Hope & Healing for Transcending Loss. Ashley Davis Bush
Grievers frequently feel that they're going crazy, and they sometimes wish to die. This doesn't mean that they're actively suicidal; it just means that they're grieving.
3 Grief doesn't offer closure. Closure is an idea that we like because we want to tie up our emotional messes with a bow and put them in the back of a closet. But grief refuses to play this game. Grief tends toward healing, not closure. In other words, the funeral can be healing. Visiting a gravesite can be healing. Performing rituals, writing in journals, making pilgrimages to special sites—all of these things can be personally meaningful and healing, but they will not bring closure. Closure is relevant to business deals but not to the human heart.
4 Grief is lifelong. Although we all want quick fixes and short-term solutions, grief won't accommodate us. Many people want grief to be over in a few weeks or a few months, and certainly within a year. And yet, many grievers know that the second year is actually harder than the first. Why? Because the shock has worn off and the reality of the pain has truly sunk in.I let grievers know that the impact of grief is lifelong just as the influence of love is also lifelong. No matter how many years go by, there will be occasional days when grief bursts through with a certain rawness. There will be days, even a decade later, when sadness crosses over you like a storm cloud. And likely, every day going forward will involve some memory, some connection to missing your beloved.
5 You as a griever need to stay connected to the deceased. While some might find it odd or uncomfortable to keep talking about the deceased loved one, or find it disconcerting to see photographs of those who have passed on, it is healthy to keep the connection alive. My heart goes out to a generation or more of grievers who were told to cut ties with their deceased loved ones, to banish all remnants of them, to pretend as if they never existed. Such unwitting cruelty! Honor their birthdays and departure days. Know that their physical presence may be gone from this earth, but that they remain in relationship to you in a new way, beyond form, a way based on spirit and love.
6 You as a griever are changed forever. If you expect to eventually be back to your old self, you will be quite disappointed. Grief, like all major life experiences, changes a person irrevocably. Think about it for a moment. Would you expect to remain unchanged after getting an education, getting married, having a baby, getting divorced, or changing careers? Life is full of experiences that add to the compost mixture of your life, creating rich and fertile soil. Similarly, grief teaches you about life, about death, about pain, about love, and about impermanence. While some people are changed in a way that makes them bitter and shut down, it is possible to use grief as a springboard for compassion, wisdom, and openheartedness.
7 You as a griever can choose transcendence. Seeing one's grief from a larger perspective, holding pain in a larger context, allows it to be bearable and gives it meaning. Perhaps it means reaching out to others who suffer. Perhaps it means giving to a cause that will result in helping others. Grievers who choose transcendence recognize that they are not alone, that they share in the human condition, and that they are amongst all people who experience love and loss. They use their pain in a way that touches others. The pain is still there, of course, but it is transformed.I invite you to use this book, reading it every day, as a companion, as a guide, as a hand holding yours along this path called grief. May it soothe and calm you, reminding you that you are not alone. May it provide you with hope and healing.
January 1
We often think of grief closing us down as we draw inward to heal, as we withdraw from life. But to what is grief opening you up? Are you more open to dying, more open to spiritual phenomenon? Have you opened yourself to other grievers, to experiencing love in a deeper way? Are you more open to the mysteries of the universe? Look and discover how you are becoming more open to life. If you haven't experienced this yet, this year will offer opportunities to “open.” Trust the process.
Today
Close your eyes and repeat the words, “I am open to new experiences and new feelings this year.”
January 2
Recovering from grief is not a matter of “letting go” of your loved one—quite the contrary. Living with loss means that you hold on in a new way. You live every day with your loved one in your heart, woven into your soul, surrounding you with presence. And then you still choose to move forward living the life that is left to you.
Today
Know that you hold on with love.
January 3
People will admire your strength, but usually what they mean is your ability to appear “together,” to be stoic, to wear a mask that indicates, “I'm okay.” What people don't realize is that real strength comes in facing the grief, falling apart, crying, and letting yourself feel. You are strong every day you choose to be alive. But let your real strength be in facing the feelings so that you can move through the process.
Today
Say, “I am strong” as you allow yourself to grieve.
January 4
Some people are tempted to shut down their grief, put it in a box, and stuff it in the back of the closet. There is a price to pay for avoiding grief: You might get sick, both emotionally and physically. Instead, seek the balance of first letting grief in and then taking a rest from the feelings. Take grief in small doses so that the feelings are being absorbed rather than avoided. Your health depends on it.
Today
Choose to experience your grief, even in small doses.
January 5
Memories can feel double-edged. They can be painful, sharp, highlighting your loss . . . or they can remind you of wonderful times, deep love, and life lived. Be open to your many memories, a flower field of times that connect you to your loved one. Hold each memory with reverence, and let yourself savor the love.
Today
Recall a favorite moment with your loved one.
January 6
When you lose someone you love dearly, your heart simply cracks and breaks. You will likely feel truly heartbroken, almost as if there is a deep ache in your body. Some days all you will feel is this sorrow, this agony. Let yourself feel the heartbreak. You must feel in order to heal.
Today
How would you describe the condition of your heart?
January 7
What the caterpillar sees as death we know is a transition to the beautiful butterfly. We have that perspective. However, when it comes to our own death—or the death of our dear ones—we don't have such a clear perspective. Remember the butterfly and know that we don't have the whole picture. Breathe. Trust.
Today
Can you open yourself to mystery?
January 8
In the old days of grief counseling, grievers were advised to cut their emotional attachment to the deceased, to forget and move on. Can you imagine? Now we understand that deep love and strong attachments never end. It's never a matter of ending a relationship. Grief is a matter of integrating a different