Sex After Grief. Joan Price

      A Griever Shares

      “I learned that you can find anything you can think of to masturbate to on the Internet. I found beautiful women with soft voices, both dominant and sensual, who seemed glad to guide me through masturbation. Phone sex lines helped when I was feeling truly lonely.”

      When You’ve Been Taught That Masturbation Is Wrong

      Younger readers may find this hard to believe, but many people of my generation were taught that masturbation was wrong. Even today, this belief persists among religions that censure sexual pleasure outside of marriage. I hear from readers all the time who are trying to unravel the influence of their early teachings. My therapist friend, the late David Pittle, PhD, MDiv, said this:

      “Most of us over sixty grew up with a pile of bad teaching about masturbation: ‘It will make you go blind;’ ‘It is prohibited by our religion;’ ‘Nice girls don’t.’ Our parents, pastors, priests and imams were wrong. Not only is masturbation not sinful, it is very healthy and contributes to our physical and mental well-being. If you are not masturbating, then you would do well to begin. Spell the word as ‘Loving yourself.’

      “In my practice, I find a different perspective on life between those who practice self-love and those who don’t. It is certainly not an ‘approved’ therapy tool, but when I see someone who exhibits depression, I often ask the question, ‘When was the last time you had an orgasm, either with a partner or solo?’ The answer is almost always a version of ‘It has been a long time.’ ”

      How does this relate to grief? Please understand that you are a sexual being. Nurturing this part of you will help you find a release, however temporary, and will help you stay healthier physically and psychologically. You may or may not want a sex partner right now, but this self-nurturing is, if you don’t mind the pun, within arm’s reach.

      Some Quotes to Inspire You

      Here are some of my favorite quotes about solo sex:

      •“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”

      —Lily Tomlin

      •“Among all types of sexual activity, masturbation is, however, the one in which the female most frequently reaches orgasm.”

      —Alfred Charles Kinsey, Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, 1953

      •“We know that more than 70 to 80 percent of women masturbate, and 90 percent of men masturbate, and the rest lie.”

      —Joycelyn Elders, former US Surgeon General

      •“How to have sex with friends, lovers, wives, husbands all begins and ends with masturbation.”

      —Betty Dodson (dubbed “the Mother of Masturbation”), at age eighty-eight

      •“If God didn’t want us to masturbate, we wouldn’t have been given these long arms.”

      —Dan Savage in a Savage Lovecast episode

      •“Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm. I really hope no one misinterprets this quote as being about masturbation.” —Audrey Hepburn

      And here’s something to make you smile: