Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters. Karen C.L. Anderson
of your childhood, and become willing to see how you’ve been the one keeping these hurts alive—so that you can finally begin making different choices.
This is actually good news. Because it means you now have the power to graduate forever from living the story of not being good enough, being unworthy, or whatever term you identify with as the reason that your mother couldn’t love you in the ways you needed to be loved. It means you can literally outgrow being the “you” you’ve been in relation to your sick mother. It means that you get to awaken to your authentic self, and be liberated to live a happy, healthy life, and to have happy, healthy relationships. You can have relationships that are no longer defined by the self you’ve needed to be in order to stay bonded to your mother, but which are grounded in wholesome qualities such as mutual respect, honor, trust, and true care.
We know, intellectually at least, that we’re not limited by what’s happened to us in the past. Yet, sometimes it’s hard to believe, given how often we find ourselves repeating it. We, once again, get involved with people who make us feel inadequate, devalued, lost, and alone. As if we are those young girls, thrown back to our childhood homes.
The frustration and despair you may have felt as being unable to change, has been deep. You may even be wishing, hoping, and praying that your mother will finally change and see the brilliant woman that you are—that she will validate your goodness, intelligence, bravery and value. Believing that, somehow, she’s the one who is holding the key to your liberation.
Despite this, there’s more good news. Your mother doesn’t have to change one bit for you to be free. Because the majority of your struggles today have little or nothing to do with her. If you’re still struggling to become the worthy woman that you are in life and in love, it’s most likely because you’ve been stuck with the “self” you created in consciousness in response to your mother’s behavior. You’ve somehow been stuck in the persona she projected onto you, and limited by the story that you yourself internalized—and have been sourcing your life from for decades by now.
After all, the truth is, you are not your mother’s daughter. You are you. An autonomous adult who is a creature of goodness, light, and love and made up of the magic of Life. A woman who has the ability to take what happened to her in the past, and transform it into greater wisdom, depth, and authentic love. You can now redefine who you are, and what’s possible for you to create in this life, outside of your relationship with your mother. You also get to see this poor woman for who she really is. Just another vulnerable, somewhat confused person on this planet who was just trying to find her way, as best she could.
Make this book your best friend. Sleep with it by your bedside. Read it each time you’re about to call your mother—to remind you of the power you hold to make that conversation go well. Ultimately, I encourage you to use these chapters to help awaken yourself to who you really are, and the possibilities you’re holding for great healing, health, and happiness. Not in spite of all you’ve been through, but in many ways because of it.
—Katherine Woodward Thomas, New York Times Bestselling Author of Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life and Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After
Lineage is important. I didn’t just wake up one day and know what I am about to share with you. I’ve been doing my own work for years, and I will continue.
I’ve read many books and articles. I’ve taken many classes and workshops. I’ve studied and received certifications. And most importantly, I practice.
My most treasured mentors and teachers are Brooke Castillo, Master Coach Instructor and Founder of the Life Coach School, and Randi Buckley, life coach and creator of the Healthy Boundaries for Kind People methodology.
Others whose work and art deeply influence me, whose work I read, listen to, practice, reference, and am inspired by include:
Maya Angelou
Brené Brown
Martha Beck
Byron Katie
Iyanla Vanzant
Dr. Christiane Northrup
Dr. Shefali Tsabari
Pema Chödrön
Debbie Ford
Bethany Webster
Lynn Forrest
Katherine Woodward Thomas
Additional information about these and other resources can be found in the Recommended Resources section at the end of this book.
Chapter 2 A Note to Daughters…and Their Mothers
One of the biggest patriarchal lies is that of the “perfect” woman (and it, obviously, includes mothers and daughters). This lie is the cause of so much intergenerational pain, dysfunction, and violence.
If you are a mother who is struggling, who worries that maybe you are a “difficult mother,” the good news is that your daughter cannot ease your pain with her validation or her forgiveness. Why is this good news? Because you don’t have to rely on her to feel better. What I wish most for you is the ability to validate and forgive yourself.
If you are a daughter whose mother was unwilling or unable to be who you needed her to be, my heart goes out to you. I’m guessing that deep down inside, without realizing it, she was terrified of being burnt at the stake, drowned, or stoned (whether literally—like women were centuries ago—or figuratively like they are today) for not being perfect as defined by others. This is collective trauma.
The unconscious fear and collective trauma can be what causes a mother to become abusive, addicted, or mentally ill…or to simply squash her daughter’s desires to express and be her true self. It’s not necessarily the trauma itself, but rather the belief that trauma is shameful and needs to be hidden that destroys lives.
So you may be wanting an apology or an acknowledgment that may or may not come. Or you may believe there’s nothing your mother could ever do or say to undo your pain.
The good news is that your mother cannot ease your pain with an apology. Why is this good news? Because you do not have to wait for her apology to feel better. If you believe your happiness is only possible as the result of your mother’s admission of guilt, she still has power over you. What I wish for most for you is the ability to take yourself on to your own lap and ease your own pain.
As women we have access to an infinite collective maternal energy that encompasses kindness, fierceness, compassion, and wisdom and it’s that which gives us the ability to re-mother ourselves.
Take my hand…
Chapter 3 Why I Do This, Plus FAQs and an Invitation
I wrote this book because I spent many years suffering, struggling, and hating myself, all because I had a story about my mother, myself, and our relationship. I’ve been freeing myself from that story ever since. Of all the hard things I’ve ever done, this has been the hardest—and most rewarding, powerful, and liberating.
That is my number one credential. I have been there.
So what can you expect? This book is part lessons and concepts and part real-life experience. It’s also part journal prompts and exercises that will help you apply the lessons and concepts and make them real in your own life.
I suggest you keep a journal specifically for this work. Why? Because writing is powerful and it’s good for you. Writing about stressful events helps you acknowledge, cope with, and resolve them, which has a positive impact on your health.