Weddings from the Heart. Daphne Rose Kingma

      FINDING AN OFFICIANT

      As you begin the decision-making process, you will want to enlist the counsel of the person who will be officiating at your ceremony, first, to make sure that he or she is comfortable with the kind of ceremony you are envisioning, and, second, to find out if he or she has any suggestions for you. It's also important to choose your officiant early, for he or she is an invaluable resource in planning your ceremony and in answering any questions you might have. In choosing this person, you will want to be sure that he or she is not only willing but able to reflect accurately what you want your ceremony to convey.

      In the past, the officiant at a wedding was just that—an official of the church or state. His duty—and it was usually a he—was to make sure that a given relationship would fulfill the standards for marriage as delineated by the church and state. More than finding a proper “official,” however, you will want to be looking for someone who can be a spokesperson for you, your values, and your relationship. You will want to find someone who can reflect the quality of your love and speak meaningfully to you and your partner.

      Your own minister, priest, or rabbi is, of course, the conventional choice, but if you don't have a strong, personal, or long-standing relationship with this person, you may want to look elsewhere. Following are some ideas for how to “connect” with someone who will be able to express the ideas and emotions you want to convey in your wedding ceremony:

      Check in your phone book for churches of different denominations which may appeal to you. Such spiritual orientations as those of the Unitarian Church, Unity Church, Humanist Society, Theosophical Society, and Buddhist centers may reflect a view of life more consistent with your own.

      Or try asking a dear or long-standing friend. Sometimes a person who knows you well is the best spokesperson for what you want to say. If this person is not a licensed officiant, you may want to encourage him or her to obtain a license for the occasion. (The Universal Life Church, 601 Third Street, Modesto, CA 95351, licenses individuals to perform legal wedding ceremonies). If your friend doesn't want to go through the process of becoming licensed, consider having this special person deliver the “address”; then a judge, justice of the peace, minister, or rabbi can officiate the formal (and legally binding) parts of the ceremony. In this regard you should know that for legal purposes, it is a person licensed to perform marriages who must make the proclamation of marriage and sign your marriage license. All other parts of the ceremony may be conducted by any person of your choice.

      Whomever you consider, be sure to think about the following questions:

      To fall in love is easy, even to remain in it is not difficult; our human loneliness is cause enough. But it is a hard quest worth making to find a comrade through whose steady presence one becomes steadily the person one desires to be.

       —Anna Louise Strong

      Does he or she reflect or embody the spirit you want to create at your wedding?

      Do you feel comfortable with him or her? Will you be able to express your preferences about content; speak up about matters of concern in the preparation of the ceremony; voice objections you might have or ask for silly, even seemingly trivial things (like certain pet phrases of yours, for example) to be included in the ceremony?

      Do you like the sound of his or her voice? Remember that this is the person whose voice will inspire, instruct, challenge, or out-andout delight you about the undertaking of marriage, and whose lead you will follow in saying your vows.

      Do you have a personal relationship with him or her, a connection that allows you to trust that what he or she will say will be appropriate for the two of you? Or, if this is someone whom you do not know, do you trust that this person has “a sense” of you and understands the uniqueness of your relationship?

      What is the fee for his or her services? Judges and justices of the peace normally charge a flat fee, whereas clergy members' fees vary widely. Often they're based on your income, the time involved, and the size of the ceremony. Some fees cover everything—the use of the church, candles, organist, janitorial services—while others do not. And fees aren't uniform—ranging from as little as $50 to as much as $400. Other officiants may charge even more, up to or exceeding $1,000, so be sure to find out beforehand.

      Seemingly trivial, but also important (aesthetics, after all, are one of the great joys—and great concerns—at any wedding), will you like what he or she chooses to wear to perform your ceremony? Will it be complementary to the ambiance you want to create? Do you trust his or her taste?

      Above all, will you value what this person has to say? Will he or she have delightful, meaningful, moving reflections that will elevate the ceremony from ordinary, generic, and formal to personal, beautiful, and unforgettable? Do you trust that his or her words will provide the inspiration, the message you want to guide you graciously from your past and into this exciting new chapter—married life?