The Courage to Be Yourself. Sue Patton Thoele
THE CO-DEPENDENT CAGE
In the decade since The Courage to Be Yourself was first published, much has been written and taught about emotional dependence, under the name “co-dependence.” While co-dependence is often linked to being in a relationship with someone who is dependent on drugs or alcohol, it is far more pervasive than that. We can be codependent with our husbands, kids, co-workers—even our dog or parakeet.
Being co-dependent means we consistently put others' needs, wants, and demands before our own—in other words, emotional dependence. Instead of gaining our self-esteem, self-motivation, and self-worth from ourselves, we rely on others to provide those feelings for us. Quite a paradox: self as defined by others. When we turn our lives over to someone or something else, we are in a co-dependent cage. In that cage we become drugged by denial and depression.
If you feel that you have even a toe caught in the “co-cage,” muster up your courage and find a friend or group of people who can help you work your way free. Recently I became aware that a dear friend was banging her head against the bars of a destructive marriage. Sadly she's been suffering in silence for several years and has gotten to the point where she fears for her mental and physical health. Although her husband isn't physically violent, his mental assaults are stripping away her emotional well-being and depleting her immune system. As a result, she is almost immobilized by depression and is plagued by illness after illness.
With encouragement from her therapist, myself, and a few friends, she has now broken her silence and is beginning to be honest about her situation. A courageous start. True freedom will be hers when she discovers the best way to escape from the very complicated co-dependent cage she is in.
Serving a life sentence as a co-dependent is tantamount to an emotional death penalty. Breaking out of the co-dependence cage is a life-giving escape. I have every confidence that you and my friend can do it. If I, who spent many years peering through the bars of co-dependence yearning for the freedom of emotional autonomy and independence, can do it, so can you.
FINDING THE WAY TO OURSELVES
We all know now that women have a tendency, in greater or lesser degrees, to be emotionally dependent in their relationships. But how do we free ourselves from the trap and enter into loving partnership instead?
I love the Irish proverb that says, “You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.” It's true. We will do our own growing eventually, so let's not let fear seduce us into inaction. An excellent way to overcome the paralysis that often accompanies fear is to join a group of women who are working on issues similar to our own. If you are unable to find the help you need among your friends and family, there are co-dependency seminars and other support groups everywhere. They can be found by inquiring at your local mental health department, checking with churches that often have lists of community services, or by asking friends.
In the seminars my partner, Bonnie, and I gave, the most important thing the women in them learned was to talk openly about their feelings. As we shared our shortcomings, secrets, fears, hostilities, joys, and disappointments, we realized we were not alone. Breaking out of isolation gives us permission to fully experience our feelings and then work through them.
Katy, a sweet, soft-spoken woman, sheepishly told me I couldn't possibly guess what she had discovered in one of our seminars. She was certain I'd be shocked and horrified to know that the main stress in her life related to her husband. Of course, I was neither shocked nor surprised. I know her husband, and he's a good man; but I also know that many women who are in relationships with good men feel stressed out. In Katy's case, the mere reassurance from another woman that she wasn't alone in her unrevealed feelings, and that she wasn't a terrible person for having them, gave her the freedom to accept what she was really feeling.
Knowing and accepting our true feelings is an essential step in moving beyond emotional dependence toward the ability to be ourselves. It takes an enormous amount of courage to be emotionally independent because we have been taught to believe that our natural role is as an adjunct to other people—a constant support, a helpmate, not an equal. However, with the advent of the partnership paradigm, the concept of inequality is obsolete. Having the courage to be who we really are is our natural birthright. If this is the case, then why is it so difficult for many of us to be ourselves, enjoy emotional independence, and have satisfying, equal relationships?
Establishing new patterns of beliefs and behaviors is always difficult. We seem to gravitate to the familiar even when it is uncomfortable. Giving ourselves permission to move into the uncharted waters of emotional independence and create new patterns for our lives takes courage and commitment.
Though it's often hard for us to give up the old habit of asking, “Mother (or Father, Husband, Boss, Child), may I?”, we're living in an age when we have unprecedented opportunities to make our own decisions to be ourselves. As we embrace an expanded vision of ourselves and unravel our emotional dependencies, we learn that no one can fill us with confidence, independence, and a sense of inner worth but ourselves, with the help of whatever we interpret as our Higher Source.
Another very important piece of the courage-to-be-yourself puzzle is the awareness that the most essential and important connection we can make is with ourselves. We have heard this so often that we know it in our heads, but it is still difficult to believe it in our hearts and guts, because we have been socialized to conclude that our commitment is to others and our job is self-sacrifice. A pervasive underlying belief women grow up carrying is that they come last. Yet, without a deep commitment to and connection with ourselves, we cannot truly relate healthily to others.
Yearning to have my inner dependent and insecure feelings match my outer independent and successful demeanor, I began to search for ways to free myself from the tyranny of fear and learn how to express who I really was. It has been a great adventure— sometimes terrifying, often exciting, but always educational. Only since I began my quest to find Sue have I felt truly alive.
EMOTIONAL WISDOM
Women naturally possess an innate sense of connectedness—to God, to others, to our world, and to our own inner lives, which I call “emotional wisdom.” Because of this wonderful emotional wisdom, we are relationship specialists. But too often we let our connection to our own inner lives languish and specialize only in keeping the peace in our outer relationships. True, their demands and needs can be loud and insistent, but our challenge is to give ourselves the same love and care we so readily lavish on others.
Being emotionally independent and connected to our authentic inner selves doesn't mean that we'll turn into selfish and selfcentered women who are unavailable to others. It does mean that we're centered in an awareness of who we are—no longer fragmented by fear or unrealistic demands from ourselves or others. In reality, an emotionally independent woman is a happier, more loving and giving woman. As we find the freedom to express who we really, uniquely are, we tap into our inherent emotional wisdom and, as a result, create a climate around ourselves in which others can also grow, heal, and become better connected to themselves. Freed from the torment of looking outside ourselves for approval, and empowered by having our own identity, we have more to give. Plus, our lives are enhanced by a spirit of lightness and spontaneity.
Although The Courage to Be Yourself has no pat answers, it is filled with ideas and exercises designed to help you become aware of your fears, learn to transform them, move from emotional dependence to strength, and enhance self-esteem. Freed from the shackles of limiting fear, you can give yourself permission to own your own excellence and live up to your highest potential.
Even as we make progress, we may long to return to the easy fantasy that it's okay to be emotionally dependent, that others will take care of us, that it's their responsibility to keep us safe and support us. To really know that the buck stops with ourselves is frightening, but it's also extremely freeing to realize that we can be strong, independent, confident, and in control of ourselves. We are all—men and