There Once Was a Prophet from Judah. Jeff Carter
he wed
and took his wife to bed,
but if she’s his sis, this story’s flawed!
Genesis 4:17
The Song of the Sword
Lamech said to his wives something bold,
“I am a killer, my blood is cold,
for I am better than Cain,
and if I am slain
I’ll be avenged seventy-seven fold!”
Genesis 4:23–24
The Origins of the Nephilim
Now the Sons of God were observing
Earth girls with figures that were curving;
they decided to mate,
an act that sealed their fate.
God said, “Of wrath they’re now deserving.”
Genesis 6:1–4
Noah’s Wife
It’s an old joke and very well known,
I think it’s funny, it gets a groan.
Tell me now, without strife
the name of Noah’s wife.
Here’s the punch line: his wife’s name was Joan.
Genesis 6:18
Joan of ark. . . get it? Joan of Arc. Groan.
Noah’s Ark
I wonder how Noah did build it,
that ark, and how the animals fit,
and who fed them each day
with those great bales of hay,
and who shoveled the elephant shit?
Genesis 7:1–5
Noah Was an Angry Drunk
Now may a curse be upon Canaan
for what his father, my son, has done;
he saw me passed out drunk,
naked and in full funk:
so let him be slave to everyone.
Genesis 9:20–25
A Fable
Don’t be offended by the label,
but I think the Tower of Babel,
as Genesis describes,
just can’t be made to jibe
with history. It is a fable.
Genesis 11:1–9
Blessing the Sons of Abraham
When consid’ring the Arab and Jew
it is very important that you
recall without distress
that the Lord God did bless
Abram’s sons—Isaac and Ishmael too.
Genesis 17:20; 25:11
That’s No Excuse, Lot
The people of Sodom were rotters,
committed to rape and to slaughters.
But e’en with their abuse
there is still no excuse
for Lot to offer up his daughters.
Genesis 19:1–8
Lot’s Wife
Leaving the town, she came to a halt.
Should we blame her and say it’s her fault?
For curiosity
to see atrocity
some of us should be turned into salt.
Genesis 19:24–26
Biblical Kink
Lot, after leaving Sodom and Zoar
lived in caves with his daughters, both whores.
The girls plied him with drink
then, with biblical kink,
conceived Israel’s enemies’ ancestors.
Genesis 19:30–38
Abraham Got Lucky
God said to Abraham, “kill your son,
your beloved, you know the one;
take out your bloody knife
and sacrifice his life.”
So Abe obeyed without a question.
But good God, and good grief, and God damn!
What the hell’s wrong with you, Abraham?
To follow as if blind
a request so unkind?
You’re lucky God provided a ram.
Genesis 22
Testify
It was the custom, in days gone by,
to place your hand here under my thigh
to mark a solemn vow,
but be sure to allow
that it really means cupping the guy.
Genesis 24:9; 47:29
In a related note—the English word “Testify” comes from the same root as “Testicle.”
Good for Sermons, Bad for Biology
The Bible’s good for homiletics
but it says little of genetics.
Jacob’s trick with the rods
is demonstrably flawed
and displays questionable ethics.
Genesis 30:25–43
Who Sold Joseph to Whom?
The elder sons of Father Israel,
in a moment less than filial,
sold their brother Jacob
to the first passing mob,
who were, by chance, the sons of Ishmael.
But wait a minute, that isn’t right,
there’s a slight contradiction in sight.
In one of these lines I
read he was rescued by
a caravan of Midianites.
Genesis 37:28, 36; 39:1
Seed on the Ground
T’was his duty and Onan was bound:
get Tamar pregnant, her belly round.
But Onan didn’t care
to produce any heir
and instead spilt his seed on the ground.
Genesis 38:8–9
Onan’s story is the perfect. . . seed for limericks.
Thank you, Onan
Oh, Onan, how you do amuse us.
Because of you we get to discuss
whether or not it is
a great sin to spill jizz;
thanks to your coitus interruptus.
Genesis 38:9
That’s How Mad Cow Disease Got Started, You Know. . .