There Once Was a Prophet from Judah. Jeff Carter
11:13–19
Moses wasn’t a chiropterologist, either for that matter.
Four Legged Insects?
Now, let’s not set off the powder kegs;
keep the conversation calm, I begs,
but let’s question the text
for how many insects
do you know that have only four legs?
Leviticus 11:20
Unclean
A man lies with his woman, and then
he has an emission of semen.
Now they are both unclean,
if you know what I mean,
that’s the word. Can I get an amen?
Leviticus 15:18
Yom Kippur
Now don’t be so silly or flip or
profane, but today we must skip o’er
food, sex, and leather shoes,
for this is how we Jews
keep and commemorate Yom Kippur.
Leviticus 16:29; 23:27
Two Different Materials
I am sorry to say this, my friend,
but our friendship must come to an end;
I must from you withdraw
for you’ve broken God’s law:
your shirt is a poly-cotton blend.
Leviticus 19:19
Does This Apply to Women as Well?
Though it is a book truly revered,
there are parts that are just a bit weird.
Read it; you’ll find hidden
among things forbidden
Leviticus bans trimming your beard.
Leviticus 19:27
We Won’t Follow this One
Though our Bibles are thumbed and well-worn
we treat this verse with sneers and with scorn.
We may read it, but we
will refuse to agree
to treat foreigners as native born.
Leviticus 19:33–34
No Dwarves!
What in this instruction is unclear?
No one with a defect may come near.
So you should stay at home
if you’re a hunch-backed gnome,
God doesn’t want you to worship here.
Leviticus 21:18–20
Sorry Lance Armstrong
Though it might make you feel insecure,
if you’ve had cancer testicular
and your testes were cut
the chapel doors are shut.
On this scripture’s quite particular.
Leviticus 21:20; Deuteronomy 23:1
Lex Talionis
The Lex Talionis law was good,
for when correctly applied it would
put limits on revenge,
so that no one could binge
on the gouging of eyes, which is rude.
Leviticus 24:20
The Obvious Meaning Can’t Be Right
Oh, everyone’s a literalist,
that is, at least, until you insist
the Year of Jubilee
is good for you and me,
then that method is quickly dismissed.
Leviticus 25
Private Property
Those who defend private property
as a right giv’n by divinity
truly don’t understand
the biblical command
that calls for the Year of Jubilee.
Leviticus 25
It’s Okay if They’re from Canada
Say I want to buy a slave, okay,
what does scripture on that topic say?
“Your slaves you should accrue
from nations around you.”
So I’ll get mine from Canada, eh?
Leviticus 25:44
Numbers
Curses!
The Lord said, “If your wife goes astray
bring her to the priest without delay.
He will give her a drink
made of curses in ink
and her sex organs will waste away.”
Numbers 5:11–31
Won’t That Be Neat!
The Israelites complained, “We want meat.”
God was annoyed, so he said, “Fine! Eat!
To your groans I’ll submit;
I’ll feed you meat till it
leaks out your nostrils. Won’t that be neat?!”
Numbers 11:18–20
Don’t Ignore This
His story is found in the Torah.
It’s something you should not ignora:
he rebelled ‘gainst Moses,
and that was atrocious,
so the ground devoured old Korah.
Numbers 16:32
Poor Balaam
I should like to point out that Balaam
never, not once, did he regale ‘em
except with the true word
that he from Yahweh heard.
Why do we constantly assail ‘im?
Numbers 22:2–24:25
Unicorns
So I find myself somewhat forlorn
by Bible translations which are shorn
of that mythical beast
found in the Middle East,
for I believe in the unicorn.
Numbers 23:22; 24:8; Deuteronomy 33:17; Job 39:9–10; Psalm 22:21; 29:6; 92:10; Isaiah 34:7 in the KJV.
That’s Certainly Coitus Interrupted
Now Phinehas was zealous of course,
but may have used a bit too much force.
In a moment of zeal
with his spear of firm steel
he skewered the two mid-intercourse.
Numbers 25:6–8