Leashes and Lovers - What Your Dog Can Teach You About Love, Life, and Happiness. Sheryl Matthys
helped her throughout her spiritual journey. She acknowledges she sometimes has to push herself to do it, but says that when she doesn’t meditate her heart longs for it. Here then, inspired by dogs, are Three Steps for Communicating More Effectively – Without Ever Saying a Word:
1. Use body language: What if you couldn’t speak? How would you communicate? It would be a challenge, to be sure. But think about how much more open and expressive interactions might be if we spoke (with our mouths) less and communicated (with our bodies) more. As an example from pop culture, take a look at the Pixar animated movie, Wall-E. This animated love story about two robots is told primarily through beeps, squeaks, sounds and, most importantly, gestures – yet everyone loved it, and more importantly, got it. Said Roger Ebert upon reviewing the film, “That it works largely without spoken dialogue is all the more astonishing; it can easily cross language barriers, which is all the better, considering that it tells a planetary story.” Try incorporating and being aware of what body language is saying in all your interpersonal relationships.
2. Make eye contact: We know how our dogs give us that look with their big brown eyes when we’re eating, as if we owe them a favor, and how strong we have to be to not give in to those eyes! It’s so powerful – just a look. I taught communications at the University of Notre Dame, St. Mary’s, and Indiana University at South Bend, and my curriculum always emphasized the importance of relating to your audience with eye contact. You don’t hear so much about eye contact anymore, perhaps because of the impersonal nature of human interaction these days. Think about it... most people would rather start and end a relationship via a dating site or a “Dear John” email or even a text message than live and in person.
I often think of the Sex and the City episode in which a guy broke up with Carrie on a Post-it® note, and how distraught she was over this method! Yet the impersonality of emails, text messaging, and voicemail leaves us aching for that eye contact, that directness that can mean so much with so little. Try to be more aware of making eye contact and encouraging others to do the same in your day-to-day interactions.
3. Don’t ignore the human touch: I have a friend who’s very touchy-feely, to the point that strangers often comment on it. I marvel at her ability to open up new doors of communication merely by placing a hand on someone’s shoulder or embracing a total stranger who’s just made a revealing comment. I used to wonder which came first, the touch or the response, but now I know they are simultaneous. Dogs are the same way. They use touch as an active, important, and effective means of communication. When a dog is relaxed and playful, he may even offer his forepaw to you – reaching out to you. When I’m petting my Greyhound, Shiraz, she just lies there. But the moment I stop, she touches my hand with her paw, as if to say, “Don’t leave! Please continue!” Your dog responds to your touch when you need to distract him from something he shouldn’t be focusing on. While I am not suggesting you stretch too far out of your comfort zone, see for yourself how a simple handshake, pat on the back, tap on the shoulder, or especially a hugging embrace can open up lines of communication that a simple word or phrase cannot.
You are constantly sending messages about your true thoughts and feelings, regardless of whether you are using words.
CHAPTER 4
Know Thy Dog, Know Thyself
Many relationships sour not because we can’t connect with the other person, but because we can’t quite trust ourselves to be good enough, wanted enough, special enough to warrant a long-lasting relationship in the first place. This insecurity can be a relationship killer, but it doesn’t have to be. By seeing yourself through your dog’s eyes, you can find the confidence you need to feel worthy of any relationship – starting with the one with yourself.
Affirmations: I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough, and Doggone It, At Least My Dog Likes Me
You’ll recall the Saturday Night Live skits starring the character Stuart Smalley, who spoofed the 12-step program and ended each bit with the above positive affirmation.
Ok, he said “people” instead of “my dog,” but our dogs are great guides in this respect. So how do we come to know ourselves the way we know our dogs do? How do we see what our dogs see, believe what they believe, live in the present, and trust as they trust? Your dog thinks the world of you, and it’s time you stand tall like the person your dog believes you are.
Allow me to explain. The first step in adopting this philosophy of learning from your dog is to pay attention to how your dog acts toward you and how he appreciates you. So often we see ourselves in only negative ways. “I’m not smart enough, not witty enough, not energetic enough, not funny enough, not at my ideal weight, not attractive enough, not rich enough... for anybody to want to be in a relationship with me.”
We wouldn’t say those things about our enemies, and yet we say them about ourselves –and to ourselves – all day long, every day. Scientists have estimated that humans have thousands of thoughts per day, but do we need them all? If you’ve ever undergone training classes with your dog, you learned that consistency, repetition, and positive rewards are key to enacting a new behavior or changing a behavior to lead to a different and desired outcome. So, too, with positive thoughts. And you’d be surprised – you don’t need many of them for this to work.
Performance Coach Jim Fannin, of JimFannin.com, has helped professional athletes and corporate executives achieve unimaginable feats. How? By studying nature and animals, he’s developed his tool chest of knowledge to turn regular people into champions in sports, in business, and in life.
Fannin explains that it’s all about your thoughts, and using fewer of them to transform yourself to a higher and more positive level of thinking and achievement. He told me, “The average person has 2,000 to 3,000 thoughts a day, and a majority of those thoughts are in chaos. Whereas the superstar has 1,100 to 1,200 thoughts a day and those thoughts aren’t focused on worry, envy, jealousy, embarrassment, and anger.”
He adds, “Like dogs, athletes in this mindset evaluate swiftly, learn from it, and move on. They theoretically ‘bury it in the backyard’ – not to be dug up again. Champions only go into the future for tactics strategies.” Fannin’s Warrior mantra is a creed I believe our dogs instinctually live by. He has his clients say, “I have no past, my goal is to make the present last – I’m in the now.”
These are similar to the outlook your dog has. Your dog lives in the moment. Your dog isn’t thinking about envy or jealousy, and is actually even willing to embarrass himself for you!
Many of our thoughts are a) negative, and b) repeated, so not only are we thinking poorly of ourselves, but we’re using the same negative, hurtful thoughts to put ourselves down repeatedly every day. We’re not thinking the way our dogs do, or like a superstar! But we can learn to do so.
Stop listening to your negative emotional baggage and start using your dog as a mirror. Trust me, seeing yourself through your dog’s eyes is, to pardon the pun, an eye-opening experience.
Just imagine completely trusting yourself, relying upon yourself for your every need, or being ready to play at a moment’s notice just because you’re you – this is how your dog sees you. Your dog thinks you’re wonderful, so why is it so hard to see yourself in much the same light? Your dog always wants “you.”
I am not saying that