Finding Our Happiness Flow. Dr. Robert Ph.D. Puff PhD
of people all over the world and how some of them haven’t turned out very well. These newspapers and magazines usually pick on famous people who have done some misdeed or who’ve had something go wrong in their lives, and the tabloid is trying to exploit it to sell papers. I don’t think I’ve ever purchased one of those magazines because I think every person matters, even the rich and famous, and in their lives I’d love for them to be happy too; we all deserve to be happy. However, I do think these newspapers and magazines have something to teach us.
What almost everyone, and I do mean almost everyone, thinks in the pursuit of happiness is “When I obtain this, then I’ll be happy.” Often, this goal is in pursuit of a relationship, a new job, a certain amount of money, or great fame. Yet the lesson of the tabloids is that the famous people who have many of the things we say we want aren’t happy themselves. But why? What’s going on here?
We see this on a lesser level among our friends. For instance, when someone does well in business and now is very wealthy, we wonder, “But is he happy?” Or even with a classmate who fell in love and married his high school sweetheart, we ask, “But is he happy?” Are these people who got what they wanted happy? We wonder and in asking the question, we tend to lessen what they achieved by thinking they didn’t find happiness. They reached an empty goal. This reasoning reinforces for us that these different things people achieve don’t bring them happiness. Fame, money, success, love—friends as well as the famous may have these things, but it doesn’t mean they’re happy.
Interestingly, the reverse is also true. When we know someone is happy, it never occurs to us to ask, “Are they wealthy? Are they at the top of their field? Are they famous? Do they live in a beautiful home? Is their spouse gorgeous? Did their kids get into an ivy league school?” A person could be poor, uneducated, living alone, and not be very attractive, but still be happy. We all know people that are like that. And we envy them.
In my book, Living a Peaceful Life, I talk about a woman I know named Betty, who was physically in pain and very poor, her only child lived in a foreign country, and yet she was clearly one of the happiest people you could ever meet. She even described herself that way, as a very happy person.
What is going on here?
This is very simple: We don’t need anything to be happy.
Nothing has to happen to make us happy. There are people out there who don’t have anything and are extremely happy. Happiness stands alone. However, anything else doesn’t.
The tabloids keep teaching us that people who are wealthy sometimes aren’t happy. People that are famous sometimes aren’t happy. Even people who are smart aren’t necessarily happy. A doctor friend of mine told me his son got into Harvard and that Harvard students have a problem with depression. I think what happens there is that a student finally reaches the top of the academic world and then finds out that being there doesn’t bring him the happiness he expected; so he struggles with depression.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not at all suggesting we should stop pursuing our goals. We just need to understand that reaching our goals may not, in and of itself, make us happy. When I work with young professionals, they sometimes tell me, “Well, when I get there, I’ll feel differently. I’ll be happy.” But it’s always the same: it doesn’t work. Just reaching our goals isn’t what is going to bring us happiness.
So what IS going to bring us happiness? What can we do instead? It’s actually very simple. If happiness is what we pursue and only what we pursue and we have good direction, then we’ll end up being happy. Other things won’t get us to our happiness. So, we have to be careful about how much time and energy we give to these other pursuits.
Let me give you a clear example of how this works. In my work, I meet many professional people: medical doctors, psychologists, professors, researchers, lawyers, and others. What I’ve found along the way is that they spend a lot of time working on their goals of being a professional and reaching the top of their field. But, they don’t spend much time enjoying themselves and being happy right now.
In my own case, I love sunsets. I live in southern California, and we have beautiful sunsets. Now, you’re not likely to ask me if I’m happy because I’m watching a sunset. You’re just going to see that I’m watching a sunset and that’s making me happy. But when I talk to my professional colleagues, it’s amazing how hard it is to get them to stop and watch sunsets. I often encourage them, but they resist. You know what the problem is? They know sunsets are awesome, but they’re too busy pursuing their goals so that some later day they can watch sunsets. Really, that’s basically what they do. They think, “Someday I’ll be happy.” I think, instead, “Why not be happy now?”
Life is replete with things we can do that will encourage us to be happy—spending time in nature, smelling a rose, watching an animal in the wild. These are things that, in and of themselves, are so astounding that it’s hard for us not to be happy while we’re enjoying and participating in them.
So, what we need to decide is, “I’m going to spend time just working on being happy.” When that’s our goal, because happiness stands alone and it doesn’t need anything else, then guess what will happen? We’ll end up being happy, right here, right now.
Chapter Nine
Living Today vs. “Someday I’ll . . .”
The person who normally cuts my hair got sick, so I had to get a new hair stylist. I found Lisa, and her salon was right next to my office, so I went there and we started talking. It was quickly apparent that this woman loves what she does. The longer we talked, the more this was confirmed. Even as a young child, she wanted to cut hair. That’s all she ever wanted to do—cut hair and eventually open her own salon, which she obviously did. She is absolutely passionate about what she does.
As she snipped and cut, she told me her mom had once told her that about 90 percent of people who go to work hate what they do, and they do it just because it’s a job and what they have to do to make money. Lisa decided then and there, as a child, that she didn’t want to be a part of that 90 percent. She chose to cut hair because she just really loves doing it.
Lisa’s story is a good story for us to focus on because we hear so many people often say the opposite, “Someday I’ll . . . live” or “Someday I’ll . . . enjoy life.” So many say things like, “I’ll work hard right now, make lots of money, have lots of prestige, lots of fame [or whatever it may be], and then someday I’ll enjoy life, someday I’ll start living.” Many people do this, and it’s very sad because they’re missing out on living life right here, right now.
This “someday” way of life doesn’t bring us happiness mainly because we can never be sure that reaching our goal will bring us the happiness we assume it will. It might not. However, if we do what we love and we’re passionate about it, whether we reach our goals or not, we’re going to be happy all along the journey. Life and happiness are about enjoying the journey.
I’m not sure if Lisa’s mom was right about the percentages. But I do think many people go to work just because they have to, or they’re working hard right now so that someday they’ll reap the rewards of all of their labor. The thing is, though, there just aren’t any guarantees in life. We don’t know how long we’re going to live—we might never see that “someday.” And even if we reach our goals, we don’t know whether getting there will indeed make us happy. But if we do find happiness only after working hard to reach our goal, we still will have sacrificed having all that joy along the way—including time with those we love. That can have dire consequences on the relationships in our lives. Plus, chasing after tomorrow can cause a lot of health problems.
Let me share another story that illustrates my point. The person who normally cuts my hair, Ingrid, once told me about a couple who was so wealthy that they did everything to the nth degree. Ingrid knew them through her husband, who is a successful photographer. He took pictures for this couple’s wedding, and they asked Ingrid and her husband to come along on the cruise afterward to photograph their honeymoon. While they were on this elaborate cruise, the newly married woman ordered Beluga caviar. She became so upset when