The 'Good Enough' Parent. Andrew Wake
area was responsible for a stronger relationship between a mother and its baby – a bond that lasted much longer into the young animal’s development. This enduring attachment between mother and baby was the beginning of the rise of mammals.
With these new capabilities the mother actively nurtured and protected her young, giving them a much greater chance of surviving those dangerous early years. This mammalian attachment between parent and offspring gave protection and closeness, nurturing and care, and guidance in learning about the world – advantages which, over millions of years, ensured that mammals became dominant throughout much of the earth.
About two million years ago, a new type of mammal evolved: the human. We still had the reptilian part of our brain – survival was still our first need – and we still had our mammalian brain – attachment (belonging, caring and being cared for) was still the next most important need. But our new human brain was massively expanding, literally filling up our head, and with it came our ability to think, plan, wonder, sing, talk and do all the other remarkable things that humans can do.
Yet, even as humans became smart and flexible and thoughtful, deep down the reptilian and mammalian parts of our brain were as influential as ever. Before we can think, we need to feel securely connected. And before we can feel securely connected, we need to feel safe. When it comes to your child, at times you will be parenting a thoughtful human, but at other times you will be parenting an insecure mammal or a frightened or enraged reptile. (See Chapter 3 for more on this.)
All children have a deep and overwhelming need to be attached, and attachment theory is an immensely helpful way of understanding how this need influences our child’s emotions and behaviours. Attachment theory was first developed by John Bowlby in the 1950s and continues to be a major influence in our understanding of child development. It arose from observations that a child’s early experiences seemed to be strongly associated with how they developed emotion regulation, how they related to others, and how they viewed themselves in the long term. It is now an enormous field, encompassing brain scanning, neurochemistry and evolutionary studies as well as classic longitudinal studies, and is getting bigger every year.
In explaining attachment theory to parents and clients, I summarise the following key points:
1Our child’s main motivation is to be safe. Nothing moves him like feeling unsafe, and all other needs are secondary. He must feel safe if he is to be able to adequately learn from and securely interact with others.
2Our child’s main way of experiencing safety is by feeling securely connected to her ‘attachment object’ – usually her mother – who soothes, protects and makes her feel safe and secure.
3Our child responds to feeling insecure with ‘attachment behaviours’ (crying, smiling, talking etc.) so that he becomes reattached and feels secure. And he will do whatever it takes to feel this way.
These attachment drives and behaviours are deeply ingrained patterns that are a function of a child’s specific temperament and experiences in the first three years of life (all prior to the development of logical thought). So when relating to others, children tend to follow wellworn patterns that have little to do with logic or reality, and can be very hard to change. This is why when you ask your child, ‘Why did you do that?’ you will often get the answer, ‘I don’t know’ – because they genuinely don’t know. What drove their emotional responses and behaviour came from their mammalian brain, a more unconscious part of their mind.
At times the adolescent clients I see will talk to me about their confusing, intense and mixed emotions: ‘I don’t know why I feel and behave the way I do. It doesn’t make sense.’ However, many of the parents I see also struggle with their own patterns of relating to others, which affects how they relate to their children. Logically they know they should try to be positive and supportive, but they may find themselves constantly criticising and seeing the negative in their children. ‘Why do I do this? My kids are great, yet I keep jumping down their throats over little things.’
This is where understanding comes in. Your child may not understand their intense emotions, relationship patterns and behaviours, but you can. And your understanding can help your child understand themselves.
ATTACHMENT AND SAFETY
During the nine months of pregnancy, your child was literally attached to his mother. Her body provided everything he needed: he was never cold, hungry or alone, and suffered little discomfort. He was also constantly surrounded by the music of his mother’s heartbeat and voice. This is one of the reasons why singing a lullaby and rhythmic movements such as rocking and walking (especially at 60 to 80 beats per minute, the mother’s heart rate) is so soothing to our children when they get distressed; these hark back to that time of bliss. In fact, to the most ancient part of our brain, anything that mimics the womb can be experienced as very soothing (see ‘Soothing the Reptilian Brain’ on page 74).
When your child was born, this ‘paradise’ was lost: the continuous physical attachment ended and the constant music ceased. For the first time, your baby could feel hungry, tired, cold, lonely and in pain. Of course, he did not have words for his discomfort. All he knew was that he felt awful and he wanted that feeling to go away.
So what did your infant child do when he felt the discomfort of hunger or coldness that this separation had allowed? Did he solve his own problem and fix his own distress? Of course not; he cried. And in crying he was able to make his distress your problem. You responded to his cry by going to him, trying to work out what the problem was, and then doing something to soothe him. You didn’t support him while he sorted his own problem out; you took on the responsibility for solving the problem and saved him from his distress.
This instinctive way of coping with discomfort is very powerful, and is a way of coping that never leaves your child. Though they get older and discover new and more mature ways of dealing with their difficulties, when they feel they cannot manage, and if their distress is high enough, their most basic and automatic way of coping is to do something to make their problem your problem so that you solve it and save them. This is quite understandable and helpful when your child is an infant, as they usually need to be saved; but as they grow it is much less helpful for them to continue to make you responsible for their problems, and to use you instead of themselves to solve their difficulties.
Michael’s amazing mother
Michael was a nine-week-old baby who had woken from sleep and started to cry. It began as a mild fussy whine, but over two minutes it quickly turned into a roar (his mother, Kate, was having a shower).
‘Not again! Can’t I even have a shower in peace?’ thought Kate. Though a bit annoyed, she quickly got herself ready and went to see Michael. Clearly the baby was not going to calm himself. Kate had to work out what the problem was and how to soothe him. Her first thought was that he must be hungry, but the cry sounded a bit different – more frantic, even angry.
By the time she entered the room she had gotten over her own annoyance at being dragged from the shower, and began to try to solve the puzzle. He wasn’t cold, his nappy was dry, and when he saw her his cry stopped. ‘Come on, you. I know what you need.’
Michael was picked up, kissed, playfully jiggled a bit and bounced slightly on the pillow while she got ready. Then Kate offered him the breast. Initially he was a bit frantic and sucked quickly, but he soon settled, and a rhythm was established as Kate patted him and hummed a tune. After ten minutes the sucking had stopped, and Michael looked up at Kate with an expression of contentment.
So within the space of a few minutes Michael went from whiny, distressed and angry to deeply contented and calm, and the difference was due to his becoming reattached to his mother.
Just like little Michael, your child experiences separation as being associated with discomfort; and reattaching as being associated with feeling soothed and safe.
The secure base: a place to reconnect and repair
So you are their secure base, a place