The 'Good Enough' Parent. Andrew Wake
to find out if bullying is a problem (though don’t ask your child leading questions such as, ‘Are you being bullied?’ Make them more general: ‘Is there anything happening at school that is making you feel really angry or scared?’). Some parents find that if they give their child the benefit of the doubt and allow her to stay home but keep her confined to her bed for the day and don’t allow her to watch TV or play any electronic games (‘If you’re sick, you won’t feel like doing anything, so just rest, darling’), her ensuing boredom may ensure that she only wants to stay home when she is really sick.
Control
From birth, a human infant expects to have all his needs met, complains tremendously at any discomfort, and through attachment behaviours is able to control the parent to get his discomfort soothed. Being in control is thus associated with keeping the negative experiences of insecurity away; ‘I get what I want when I want it.’ However, as he grows, he realises that he cannot make his parent (attachment object) do whatever he wants – that there are boundaries and that some discomfort has to be tolerated. If these boundaries are repeatedly, predictably, firmly and kindly reinforced, they become a natural part of the child’s life and perspective. Thus, the child learns that although he doesn’t get everything he wants, he gets enough. With this he learns that not being in total control is okay, and he becomes stronger as he gradually experiences and tolerates increasing amounts of discomfort and suffering.
Children who don’t believe they will get enough tend to retain their attempts to control: ‘I’m only going to get my needs met if I’m in control of the other person.’ This means that their relationships will be based on power and control rather than empathy, trust, and freedom. It is the difference between the belief that good things will be given, versus the belief that I will only get what I want if I take it or make it happen.
Avoiding attachment
If your child has tried a whole range of attachment behaviours, but still believes that she is not on your mind enough, the insecurity she feels becomes unbearable. If this happens, an alternative solution to deal with the insecurity is to try to convince herself that she doesn’t care whether you are there for her or not. This is what may be happening when a child rejects what she clearly wants with statements such as, ‘I don’t care’ or ‘Whatever’, and behaviours such as rejecting attempts to comfort or help her and even destroying the thing she wanted. She is trying to cope with her unmet attachment needs by denying or avoiding those needs.
Most people have experienced wanting a relationship with someone, but when it didn’t work out, trying to convince themselves that they didn’t care about that person. Often this is done by suddenly finding in the other person a long list of faults that had not been seen previously. ‘If I don’t desire the person, I can’t be hurt by not having them.’ This approach only works for as long as the desire can be kept out of awareness, and even then it only works partially.
David’s story
David’s parents had separated when he was fourteen. He lived with his father, and his mother had moved to another country to live with her new partner. Despite the distance, his parents’ relationship was extremely toxic and David felt caught between them. He adamantly denied any problems with sadness, anger or worry (despite numerous home and school reports to the contrary) and struggled to even name emotions let alone talk about them. The only problem he could articulate was that he slept poorly and always felt tired. For two years he would cope for a while, but then explode mindlessly at his father after a phone call from his mother and then feel exhausted for a few days. He denied knowing why he got so angry, and denied caring about his parents’ separation or not seeing his mother.
The explosions and fatigue only eased when he was able to acknowledge and talk about his grief, disappointment and anger at both his parents for not being able to ‘get it together’. David’s father could tolerate his son’s attacks and was willing to put in the time to try to repair their relationship, so it gradually improved.
Unfortunately, David’s mother could not change her pattern of becoming defensive whenever he brought up the separation and could not accept his disappointment, and the last I heard their relationship was still fraught.
The attachment battery
Attachment can be thought of as a form of energy that your child needs from you in order to grow and learn. When she is ‘full’ of attachment energy – feels secure and safe enough – she can play, have fun, think, take chances and explore the world around her. But when her attachment energy is low – when she believes she is not secure or safe enough – the drive to ‘fill up’ takes over, making it hard for her to play or even to think.
Young children cannot always be plugged directly into their attachment energy sources by being with you and obviously on your mind, so they carry inside them a ‘battery’ which stores attachment energy – they are in effect taking a bit of you with them as memories and experiences. With time the energy stored in the battery eventually runs down and your child is driven to return to recharge from you directly. Once their attachment battery is recharged enough, they are able to leave you again to play, think and try new things.
Other safe adults (such as teachers and relatives) can be temporary sources of attachment energy if a parent is not available, as can a phone call, email, photo or text, but if enough time passes even those alternative energy sources will not be enough to keep the battery levels up and the child will become increasingly focused on being with you again. If the battery level gets low enough leading to them feeling unthoughtof and unsafe, a child will end up feeling seriously insecure, and high emotions and frantic attachment behaviours can ensue.
The ‘recharging the attachment battery’ analogy can help explain the commonly observed attachment behaviours of children when they reunite with their parents after a separation:
1 Touching. They run to their parents for a kiss and a hug.
2 Talking. They chatter away about their day and parents find themselves saying things like, ‘I was thinking about you today’ or, ‘I was wondering how you went.’ This gives them the clear message, ‘You were on my mind even though you weren’t with me.’
3 Sharing humour and experiences. As parent and child think and talk about the day, there can be laughter as stories are shared and made sense of. There may also be tickling and playful touch.
4 Creating conflict. They may pick on a sibling or do something that they know will annoy a parent to ensure they have their attention.
5 Provoking by nagging or deceit. They may hassle the parent for something (‘Can I have an ice cream?’ or ‘Can I go on the computer?’).
6 Being helpless or ill. They may talk about what went wrong, or show a wound to elicit sympathy.
If on seeing you again your child receives an insufficient attachment charge (because you are busy with other children, on the phone, or preoccupied with your own concerns) you would expect to see more emotions and behaviours associated with insecurity. Separating and reuniting are times when it pays to be aware of your child’s attachment needs and to work on charging up your child’s battery as much as possible.
Recharging your child’s ‘attachment battery’
If children are feeling insecure, have been away from you for a prolonged time, or are under more stress than usual, then touch, talking, humour and listening to their experiences are all positive ways of helping them to feel safe and secure again (‘reattached’ or ‘recharged’). Every time you do this, they learn that not only will they get enough of what they need, but also that they can risk leaving you because they know from experience that you will be there when they come back, ready to support and soothe them.
To give children the greatest charge, practise the following:
1 Stop whatever you are doing and focus on the child.
2 Get down to their level so that you can make good eye contact. (Don’t talk to them from another room and expect them to be happy