Congreve's Comedy of Manners. William Congreve
as, as a poet. (she assumes a very melancholy pose) Well, Val, if you ever would win me, woo me now. (Valentine remains furiously silent) Ah, if you are so tedious, fare you well— (starts to leave)
Valentine
Can you not find in the variety of your disposition even one moment?
Angelica
To hear you tell me that your father proposes to disinherit you?
Valentine
But, how came you to know of it?
Angelica
I will leave you to consider. When you have done thinking of that, think of me.
(Angelica sails out, leaving Valentine perplexed and cursing under his breath.)
Valentine (exploding)
INCONSTANT CREATURE!
(That stops Angelica and she returns.)
Angelica
You can’t accuse me of inconstancy; I never told you that I love you.
Valentine
Then I accuse you of not telling me whether you do or not.
Angelica
I have never troubled myself to make up my mind on the question.
Valentine
Nor good nature enough to do so—
Angelica
What, are you setting up for good nature?
Valentine
As women do for virtue, for the affectation of it. (desperately) Why won’t you hear me with patience?
Angelica
I’m tired of being pestered with flames and stuff. I think I shan’t endure the sight of a fire this twelvemonth.
Valentine
Even fire cannot melt that cruel, frozen heart.
Angelica
God, how I hate your hideous fancy; if you must talk of love, for heaven’s sake, do it with variety; don’t always come like the devil wrapped up in flames. I’ll not hear another sentence that begins: “I burn....”
Valentine
Tell me how you would be adored. I am very tractable.
Angelica
In silence.
Valentine
Humph, I thought so, that you might have all the talk to yourself—you had better let me speak, or I’ll make villainous signs—
Angelica
What would you get by that? I won’t understand signs.
Valentine
If I am to be tongue-tied, my actions will quicken your apprehensions and—egad—let me tell you my most prevailing argument is expressed in dumb show.
Angelica
Foh! An ape is a more troublesome thing than a parrot.
Valentine
There are few men but do more silly things than they say. Faith, I could be well pleased to drive a bargain in silence—it would save a man a world of swearing and lying. When wit and reason both have failed to move, Kind looks and actions from success do prove.
Angelica
Your father is coming, and I’m leaving.
(Angelica exits; Sir Sampson Plyant, Valentine’s father, enters with Foresight.)
Valentine
Your blessing, sir.
Sampson
You’ve had it already today, sir. I think I sent it to you in a bill for four thousand pounds. If there was too much, refund the superfluity, dost hear, Boy?
Valentine
Superfluity! Sir, it will scarcely pay my debts.
Sampson
Indeed. Then you should have less of them.
Valentine
I hope you will not hold me to the hard conditions I agreed to—
Sampson
Here’s a rogue, Brother Foresight, makes a bargain in the morning and would be released in the afternoon. Here’s honesty; here’s conscience.
Valentine
The bargain was made under duress.
Sampson
I shall hold you to it to the letter. Do you deny it?
Valentine
I don’t deny it, Father.
Sampson
Dog, you’ll be hanged. I shall live to see you go to Tyburn. Has he not a rogue’s face? Speak, Brother, you understand physiognomy—a hanging look to me.
Foresight (not unkindly)
Hmmm—truly, I don’t care to discourage a young man—he has madness in his face—but, I see no danger of hanging—
Valentine (aside)
Madness. There’s a lucky thought. (aloud) Sir, this usage to your Son will drive me mad.
Sampson
Why, who are you, sir?
Valentine
Your son, sir.
Sampson
That’s more than I know, sir, and I believe not.
Valentine
Indeed. Then, I hope I am not.
Sampson
What, would you make your mother a whore! (to Foresight) Did you ever hear the like?
Valentine
I was merely offering an excuse for your barbarity.
Sampson
Excuse! Why, may I not do as I please? Did you come a volunteer into this world or did I press you into service, eh?
Valentine
I know no more why I came than you do. But I came with all the appetites and senses that you begot along with me.
Sampson
Oons, what had I to do to get children? He must have appetites! Why, you’d rather eat pheasant than mutton and drink wine rather than beer. And smell. I warrant he can smell and loves perfumes above a stench. Why, there it is. And music. Don’t you love music, scoundrel?
Valentine
I’m told I have a good ear—
Sampson
A good ear! If this rogue were dissected, I’ll warrant he has vessels of digestion large enough for a Cardinal. Oons, if I had that four thousand pounds again I would not give you one shilling. ’Sheart, you were always fond of wit. Now, let’s see if you can live by your wit. Your brother will be in town today, then look to your covenant—you must renounce all title to your estate in his favor.
Valentine
I have agreed to it, Father. But I think it very harsh. Good day, sir.
(Valentine bows and goes out.)
Sampson
No more to be said, Old Merlin, that’s plain. Here it is. (brandishing a paper) I have it in my hand, Old Ptolemy. He thought if he danced until doomsday, I was to pay the piper. Well, here it is, under seal.
Foresight
What is it, anyway?