Congreve's Comedy of Manners. William Congreve
return for saving that spendthrift from prison for debt, I have made him agree to renounce his inheritance in favor of his brother Ben. Body oh me, I’m so glad to be revenged on this unnatural rogue.
Foresight
Let me see—so it is. When was this signed? You should have consulted me as to the time.
Sampson
No matter for the time. It’s signed.
Foresight
But the time is all important.
Sampson
Brother Foresight, leave superstition. Pox on the time. There’s no time like the present.
Foresight
You are very ignorant.
Sampson
If the sun shine by day and the stars by night—why, we shall know one another without the help of a candle—and that’s all the stars are good for.
Foresight
How, how? Give me leave to contradict you. You are an ignorant agnostic and skeptic.
Sampson
Ignorant! Why, I have traveled the globe and seen the antipodes where the sun rises at midnight and sets at noon.
Foresight
But I can tell you that I have traveled in the celestial spheres, known the signs and the planets and their houses. Can judge of motions, direct and retrograde. Know whether life shall be long or short, happy or unhappy, if journeys shall be prosperous, undertakings successful, or stolen goods recovered. Furthermore, I know—
Sampson
And I know the length of the Emperor of China’s foot! And I have made a cuckold of a king. Body oh me, the present Majesty of Bantam is the issue of these loins!
Foresight
I know when braggarts lie or speak the truth, even when they don’t know it themselves.
Sampson
I have known an astrologer made a cuckold in the twinkling of a star; and seen a conjuror that could not keep the devil out of his wife’s circle—ha, Old Wizard. Old Galileo.
Foresight
Do you mean my wife, Sir Sampson? By the body of the sun—
Sampson
By the horns of the moon, you would say, Brother Capricorn.
Foresight
Capricorn in your teeth, Liar. Take back your inheritance and put your son Ben back to sea. I’ll wed my daughter Prue to an Egyptian mummy before she shall incorporate with the son of one who scoffs at science.
Sampson
Body oh me, I have gone too far. I must not provoke Copernicus too much. An Egyptian mummy is an illustrious creature, my trusty hieroglyphic, and may have significations about him. What, thou art not angry for a jest, my Good Kepler. I would Ben were an Egyptian mummy for your sake. I reverence the sun, the moon, and the stars with all my heart.
Foresight
Well, why didn’t you say so?
Sampson
I love to jest. Now I think on it, I have the foot of an Egyptian mummy that I purloined from one of the pyramids when I was last in Egypt having an affair with the Pasha’s wife. You shall have it.
Foresight
But, what do you know of my wife, Sir Sampson?
Sampson
Your wife is a constellation of virtues; she’s the moon and you are the man in the moon. I was but in jest. (aside) A more shameless whore never lived.
(Sir Sampson and Foresight exit. Enter Mrs. Frail and Lady Froth at another door.)
Mrs. Frail
Indeed, madame! Is it possible your ladyship was so much in love?
Lady Froth
I could not sleep; I did not sleep for three weeks together.
Mrs. Frail
Prodigious! I wonder, want of sleep and so much love, and so much wit, as your ladyship has did not turn your brain.
Lady Froth
Oh, my dear Frail, you must tease your friend. But really, I wonder too. But I had a way. For between you and I, I had whimsies and vapors but I gave them vent.
Mrs. Frail
How?
Lady Froth
Oh, I writ, writ abundantly. Do you never write?
Mrs. Frail
Write what?
Lady Froth
Songs, elegies, satires, panegyrics, lampoons, plays and heroic poems.
Mrs. Frail
Oh Lord, not I.
Lady Froth
Oh, inconsistent, in love and not write! If my lord and I had been both of your temper, we had not come together. Bless me, what a sad thing that would have been.
Mrs. Frail
Then neither of you would ever have met with your match.
Lady Froth
Very true. I think he wants nothing but a blue ribbon and a star to make him shine the very phosphorus of our hemisphere. Do you understand those hard words? If no, I’ll explain them to you.
Mrs. Frail.
Yes, yes, I’m not so ignorant. (aside) At least I won’t own it to be troubled with your instruction.
Lady Froth
But I’m amazed you don’t write. How can your amant believe you love him?
Mrs. Frail
Oh, I have a way of showing him that leaves no doubt. But, Lady Froth, you must see my new dress. I had it brought from Paris.
Lady Froth
I shall be delighted. But, you really don’t write?
(They go out. Enter Lady Foresight at another door, followed by Maskwell. Lady Foresight is an aging, but still beautiful woman. At the moment she is in a rage. Maskwell is trying to placate her.)
Lady Foresight
I’ll hear no more. You are false and ungrateful. Come, I know you are false.
Maskwell
I have been frail in your ladyship’s service—
Lady Foresight
That I should trust a man who had betrayed his friend—
Maskwell
What friend have I betrayed or to whom?
Lady Foresight
Valentine—and to me. Can you deny it?
Maskwell
I do not.
Lady Foresight
And have you not wronged my husband? And in the highest manner—in his bed?
Maskwell
With your ladyship’s help and assistance. I can’t deny that either. Anything more, madame?
Lady Foresight
More! Have you not dishonored me?
Maskwell
No, that I deny; for I never told a soul. So that accusation is answered. On to the next, for I see you have more.
Lady Foresight
Insolent