The Zombie and his Existential Crisis. Chantal Spies
believe that we find ourselves in this predicament because we have unfinished business on this side.” George said. “What unfinished business exactly? If I knew then I could take care of the matter and leave. Too bad this whole living-death nonsense doesn’t come with an instruction manual.” Frederick was growing frustrated. “That is what we must find out my prince.” George felt a gush of determination.
“Do you hear that?” a noise startled Frederick. “My prince your hearing is incredibly good, because I hear noth-- no wait! I do hear a buzzing sound. Almost like giant--” George shrieked. They looked up. A swarm of giant wasps with glowing red eyes bulleted straight at them. “Run!” Frederick shouted.
They sprinted at superhuman speed. Finally, a perk to being not-human. The wasps’ buzzing made the earth shiver under Frederick’s feet. They ran faster and faster, but the vicious wasps attacked. Their massive stingers stabbing madly in every direction.
Thankfully, most of those shots were misses. Frederick was impressed by his excellent zombie reflexes. But he was more impressed by the speed at which George was running. Lord George was never the sporty type during their pre-dead life.
Swoosh-swoosh. Stab- stab! The stingers came down again and again. Every time missing Frederick’s neck by a fraction of an inch. “If I wasn’t ectothermic… and… if I had gluteus maximus muscles, I’d be sweating my butt off right now!” Lord George said. “We need a plan otherwise we’re gonna get our butts kicked! Anything?” Frederick shouted back.
“In here!” George shouted and ran towards a rundown stable. He slipped underneath the door, ran up to the handle and opened it for Frederick. The zombie ran inside and slammed the door right against a giant stinger. The wasp kept trying to shove the door open and Frederick pushed right back. Finally, he managed to shut the door. But the wasp’s stubborn sword came closer and closer to his face.
Just then George slipped underneath the door again ran up to the belly of the wasp and tickled it. The wasp giggled and Frederick managed to shut the door. George slipped back inside through a tiny crack. Just when they thought they were safe another stinger pierced through the roof. Then came dozens more.
“We need a plan!” Frederick shouted again. “I might have a plan, but I don’t like the plan.” George said. “What and why?” he asked. “My plan involves someone I’m not really fond of.” The roach’s quirks came at the worst possible time. “Don’t be picky Lord George. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re about to die here! Again.”
“Alright! Alright!” he shouted and slipped through the door again. “Where are you going?!” The stingers persisted through the thatched roof. Frederick grabbed a rusty shovel and tried to beat them away. But more and more came through until the entire roof caved in.
Even though Frederick was dead and his body didn’t produce adrenaline his knees still shook under the red eyes of a hundred bad-ass-looking wasps. He placed his arms in front of his face ready for the worst. Suddenly, he heard the sound of off-key trumpets. The wasps became covered in a light green fog that smelled like cheese and feet. One by one the flying wasps fell to the ground. The zombie couldn’t believe what he saw. The green murky gas started to lift, revealing an army of farting ghosts.
“My prince! My prince!” Frederick turned around and saw George running towards him. “Lord George, what on earth are these creatures?” he asked. “It’s an army of flatulating phantoms my prince.”
“Farting ghosts? This is madness!” the zombie looked as though he was about to be sick.
“Well this madness saved your life!” George huffed.
“Thank you farting ghosts!” he called out. One of them, Gaston, flew down towards them and bowed, “At your service, my prince” Frederick bowed back, “Thank you so much for saving my life. Not that I have a life to save. But thank you any way.” Gaston smiled, “It is our pleasure to help. That evil sea-witch, Goga, is also an enemy of ours.”
“Huh, what sea-witch? Who or what is a sea-witch?” Fred feared the answer would be as ridiculous as everything else he encountered that night. “My prince, only the sea-witch has the power to turn peace loving wasps into monsters.” Gaston said. “Peace loving wasps? Have you gone mad?” George said.
“Excuse me, but wasps provide extremely important ecological services, including pollination, predation and parasitism. And, most importantly, without wasps the future would’ve had no Fig Newtons!” Gaston said.
“Alright, alright guys! I know it’s a lot to ask, but can you please be a little less extra right now?” Frederick asked. “I cannot promise anything, but I will try my best.” Gaston said. “And you, Lord George?” he asked. “Alright. I will try, but not very hard.” Frederick rolled his eyes at the little bug and turned to Gaston again, “You were about to explain what exactly a sea-witch is.”
“Ah, yes. Goga, the sea-witch. She has incredibly strong, dark magical powers. Also, she seems to dislike you two very much from the looks of things.” Gaston scratched his beard and surveyed the unconscious wasps littered all over the ground. “So, she is an actual crow? As in a bird?” Fred was puzzled. “Well, there are rumors that she used to be human before she traded part of her human form for dark powers. Now she’s a bird.” Gaston replied. Frederick scratched his head and said: “But why would she want to harm me? Maybe I did something to anger her while I was still alive. I wish I could just remember.”
Chapter 5: Where is my essence?
“I really wish I knew what happened to us.” Frederick, Lord George and Gaston were laying on the grass back in the old cemetery. Lord George looked up at the ghost, “Gaston, can you travel to the day and time of Prince Frederick’s death and find out what happened to him?”
“Pardon, but there are rules in the spiritual realm. I cannot travel to the near past or future of the present time I find myself in, nor can I look into the past or future of another creature upon their request. I am only allowed to travel and observe for educational purposes.” Gaston informed them. The prince sighed and looked down at his feet. Gaston couldn’t stand to see the guy looking so miserable, “But what about the Princess? Surely, she knows how you died.”
“Yes, you’re right! We should go to the palace immediately.” Lord George shouted. But the heartbroken zombie had his own doubts about this, “I don’t know about that. I don’t know if I want to go back there.” he said. “What? Why?” Lord George asked.
“I just don’t know if I want to see her again. I mean, she’s beautiful, smart, perfect and well – just look at me. I’m scruffy, insecure and—” “Dead.” The roach wasn’t helping. “Thanks Lord George, you do know how just how to boost my self-esteem” Frederick said sarcastically.
“My Prince, you may be dead, but you still have an excellent personality, and you’re funny an charming too rigor mortis can’t rob you of that.” Lord George tried to convince the prince. “Alright. Off to the palace. Gaston you can teleport us through, don’t feel like swimming this time” The zombie said, not because Lord George convinced him, but because he didn’t have another choice.
Princess Minna paced around her garden. Nurse Melinda was busy hunting snails in the rose bushes. “He should be here by now. What if – what if something happened?” Minna couldn’t help but worry. “Maybe his legs rotted off, dear.” Nurse Melinda said in her matter of fact way as she tossed another snail into the bucket. Minna tried to ignore her, but she was scared, “I hope he’s okay. Maybe it’s just that he changed his mind at the last minute. Maybe he doesn’t want to see me anymore. He probably met some corpse bride and they’ve run off together.” the princess’s imagination ran off with her.
Suddenly, Nurse Melinda screamed in terror, “GHOST!” Minna ran towards the nurse. She stopped in her tracks when she saw Frederick, Lord George and indeed a ghost standing in front of her. “Minna!” Frederick shouted in her direction. Please don’t be afraid ladies. This is just our friend Gaston.”