Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon:not So Straight Answers From America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Colum. Michael Alvear
Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon:not So Straight Answers From America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Colum
Grace.“”
The third Catholic lady says smugly, “My son is a cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Eminence.“”
The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask, “Well?”
She replies, “My son is a 6’ 2", hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone says, ‘Oh, my God.“”
The point is … wait, I’m looking for it … oh, here it is, right where I left it. The point is that our obsession with size is a joke and we’re the butt of it.
Here’s the set-up: We act like the totality of sexual pleasure can be reduced to a hash mark on a ruler. Here’s the punch line: It’s not true.
Here’s the proof: Ask yourself if the hottest sex you ever had involved a big dick. If you’re honest, the answer is no. The answer is much more likely to have involved an electrifying chemistry with the other guy, because he kissed so well, because you were flat-out in love with him, because his smell had a pheromonish effect on you, because Fill In The Blank But It Probably Had Nothing To Do With The Size Of His Dick.
Don’t get me wrong, size matters. Visually, but not sexually. When I think of the worst sex I’ve ever had, many of the sessions involved men with baseball bats between their legs.
Mutual desire, energy, love, lust, smell, sight, and a million other things in combination are more important than size. Alas, I know you’re going to obsess about size no matter what I say. But if you’re going to obsess do it with facts, not fear. And these are the facts: The largest study to date of “erect penile dimensions”—the Kinsey study—showed that the average erect dick size was 6.1 inches.
But the Kinsey study has a deal-breaking flaw: Kinsey’s subjects measured themselves. What was Kinsey thinking? Asking men to measure their penis size in private and then report it truthfully? That kind of optimism should be bottled.
The most reliable study of penis size to date appears to be out of the University of California, San Francisco (where else?). In 1996, researchers let 80 men measure themselves with an observer present (don’t ask, I’m just reporting it). And guess what? The average erect penis size dropped a whole inch from Kinsey’s study, to 5.1 inches.
In other words, left to their own devices, men lie. Shocking isn’t it? The study proved that lying about your dick-size is the most common male deception, second only to lying about your trick’s dick size.
Here are some other stats from the groundbreaking study: Average erect girth, 4.8 inches. Average flaccid length, 3.5 inches, average flaccid girth, 3.8 inches.
There have only been three penis size studies that urologists consider reliable. The interesting thing is that each time a reliable study is done, it shows shorter and shorter erect penis sizes. Why? Because we’re men. We lie, therefore we are.
Each successive study has had tighter and tighter controls to eliminate the, ahm, more creative mathematical interpretations of the ruler. Sadly, urologists are faced with the dilemma of men with normal-sized dicks wanting penile augmentation surgery because their sense of inadequacy is as big as the lies we tell ourselves.
Instead of fretting over how big we are, we should be concentrating on the real reasons that make sex with a man so great—the way he moves, the way he smells, the way he looks, the way he shtuups. And don’t forget the greatest thing of all: The physical and emotional energy he brings out in you.
Hey, Woody!
I’m getting penis envy from hanging around the online chat rooms. Amazingly, the average dick size in these chat rooms is eight inches! Yes, eight inches! I know because people tell me so. Of course, they’re measuring from the crack of their ass to the tip of their lies, but maybe I’m being a sore sport. My question: For those of us who want to know how big our dicks REALLY are, what’s the best way of measuring them?
—Digging deep for one last inch
Dear Digger:
There are three great lies in gay life:
1.“I’m bisexual”
2.“I go to bars for the music”
3.“I have an eight inch dick”
You can’t really prove the first two, but there’s no hiding the third, unless you’re online.
Penile size can be measured in a lot of ways. Obviously, the differences will impact the results. There are two widely recognized ways to measure the treasure. The most common is the “You Wish” method first popularized by America Online’s chat rooms. It involves looking at your pinky and describing it as a thigh.
The more accurate method, preferred by urologists unconcerned with scoring potential, involves the following:
1. Using a paper tape measure, not a ruler
2. Measuring to the nearest half-centimeter, not the nearest half-foot
3. Measuring flaccid length as soon as you undress (room temperature and other factors will affect length and girth)
4. Boy, are you guys going to scream at this one: Forget about starting the measurement from where your balls meet your dick. The proper measurement starts at the junction of skin between your pubic hair area and the base of your dick. In other words, when you’re erect, measure the side of the penis facing your stomach. I know. It sucks. But that’s how all studies do it.
Actually, there’s a much faster and easier way to measure your cock. You don’t even need to get hard to do it. All you have to do is stretch your flaccid flogger and measure it from the penopubic region to the tip. Believe it or not, every major study shows a high correlation between erectile and flaccid-stretched length.
To measure girth, use your partner’s mouth and … wait. No, that’s later. Place the edge of the tape measure on your erectness right under the glans (you know, the edge of the “helmet”). When all is said and done, the majority of us will fall somewhere near 5.1 inches in length and 4.8 inches in girth.
Skip the weepy letters about how awful it is to have an average-sized dick. Studies show that men with larger than average penises do not report greater sexual satisfaction than men with average-sized dicks.
I know you didn’t hear me so I’m going to say it again: Having a bigger dick doesn’t mean you’ll have a more satisfying sex life.
Hey, Woody!
I like it when guys play with my balls but one overly ambitious squeeze and it hurts like a mother. My dick may be sensitive but I’m never afraid of guys hurting it. I am afraid, though, of having my balls hurt. Why does sensitivity in my dick mean pleasure but in my balls it means pain?
—Scrotum-scratcher
Dear Scrotum-scratcher:
Why are our balls so sensitive? Survival of the species. Mother Nature made our testicles sensitive so we’d stand guard over her precious jewels. The more we guard, the more likely we’re able to impregnate women. Some of us, anyway.
Of course, what nobody tells you is that Mother Nature is a post-op transsexual. What else could explain the fact that she made testicles the genetic equivalent of female ovaries? The same sack of cells that become testicles in men become ovaries in women. The testes actually rest inside the pelvis during fetal development and descend before birth.
Testicles are home to seminiferous tubules where sperm is produced. “Seminiferous” means to contain or convey semen. It’s just another way of saying “My Boyfriend’s Mouth,” really.
The testes (another word for testicles) also rent out space to interstitial cells which produce a majority of your testosterone, which as you know, is the reason you’re such a pig.
Testes