Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon:not So Straight Answers From America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Colum. Michael Alvear
Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon:not So Straight Answers From America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Colum
off. When I finally break my “fast” I get an awful cramp-like feeling when I cum. It sort of feels like it’s coming from the bottom of my ass. It goes away after a few minutes but I’m concerned.
—Getting off but getting worried
Dear Worried:
It’s probably just a muscle cramp. The bulbocoxygeous muscles control ejaculation and are closely related to the genital and lower rectum muscles.
Which reminds me, are all scientists drunk when they name body parts?
Anyway, during ejaculation, these muscles pulse and contract like your eyes do at a college wrestling meet—you know, involuntarily. This helps propel semen out through the urethra.
The bulbocoxygeous muscles are likely to cramp up when their hibernation is suddenly and forcefully terminated. When you don’t cum for a long time, your load would strain the fittest UPS delivery man, so what do you think it’s doing to your “bulbo” muscles? Your question calls for the answer I love to give: “Have more sex.”
Hey, Woody!
The good news is that I got us into the soccer play-offs by blocking the opposing team’s penalty kick. The bad news is I blocked it with my crotch. I’m still limping from it. My question: Why did my stomach hurt so much if it was my balls that took the hit?
—Ballsy
Dear Ballsy:
The reason your stomach hurt so much is that the testes are connected to the abdomen by nerves and blood vessels. Testes form in the abdominal cavity and then they descend into the scrotum sack before birth.
Warning—tangent coming up: “Undescended” testicles are fairly common in premature babies and occur in about 4 percent of all full-term babies. If they can’t “find” your testes (funny, my boyfriend never has that problem), an abdominal ultrasound may help figure out where the suckers went.
Okay—back from the tangent. Getting a soccer ball kicked into your groin is no laughing matter. I’m wincing even as I type. The recommendation: Ice packs for the first 24 hours, followed by sitz baths, and then by prayer. A blow like that could result in “testicular torsion,” a serious emergency where the testicle becomes twisted in the scrotum and loses its blood supply. You’ve got about two hours from the time it happens for a doc to relieve the twisting or you can literally kiss your testicle goodbye.
Hey, Woody!
When I woke up from penis enlargement surgery, my penis was way swollen and covered in a kind of maroonish purple color. Injecting fat into my dick was part of the procedure and there were stitches all over the place. My stomach was bandaged and so were my thighs where the fat had been suctioned out (I didn’t have enough fat in my stomach so they took it from my legs).
Seven months later I’m still bruised from the liposuction and my dick hurts like hell. My new enlarged penis has a marble-like lump close to the head with two smaller bumps around the base. I’m headed for surgery again, to undo the mutilation. I don’t have a question for you, what I have is a warning for all your readers and I can sum it up in one word: DON’T.
—Did and regretted it
Dear Did:
Oh, come on, you big crybaby. The 98 percent of you guys who suffer the anatomical abominations of penis enlargement surgery ruin it for the 2 percent who walk away satisfied.
I refuse to discourage people from experiencing crooked, lumpy, and deformed shafts, erections that point downward, raw nerves caught in scar tissue, and fluid that chronically collects around the testicles.
So what if every major medical association in this country considers penis augmentation to be experimental surgery? So what if the surgery is so controversial and yields such poor results that it’s considered unacceptable by both plastic surgeons and urologists (unless you fall into the 2 percent of people identified as having a “micro-phallus”)?
I say go for it. Don’t let facts and common sense over-rule your vanity. I say plunk down $7,000 to $10,000 for penile augmentation surgery, especially if you have an averaged-sized dick. You wouldn’t be alone. Most of the guys requesting the surgery are average-sized.
There is a cheaper, alternative form of penis enlargement, though. The procedure is simple: You put your penis on my desk, I whack it with a hammer, and it swells for about six months. It gives you the same results as the surgery at a fraction of the cost.
Dude, you needed help between the ears, not between your legs. Good luck. You’re going to need it.
Hey, Woody!
Maybe it’s my imagination but it seems guys with bigger dicks have a tougher time achieving full erections than guys with smaller dicks.
—Am I right or wrong?
Dear Wrong:
See my greeting for the answer. Most urologists don’t report a connection between big dicks and a rougher time getting a full erection.
However, researchers believe it may be easier to treat erectile dysfunction in men with shorter dicks. Because so many treatments rely on partially increasing blood flow to the penis, they believe treatment for erectile dysfunction is more effective in men with smaller dicks (because they require less blood to fill them up).
My ex-boyfriend would have made a great treatment for erectile dysfunction. Small dicks, big dicks, it wouldn’t matter. He understood the concept of blood flowing to the penis like no one else. Too bad he doesn’t come in pill form.
Hey, Woody!
I’ve gone on a date with this guy three times. We mash and do everything but cum, because he won’t let me (or himself). Something about “Let’s wait.” It’s like dating a girl. But my question is this: My testicles are sore after our sessions. Why?
—All balled up
Dear Ball:
You, my friend, are experiencing blue-balls, or technically-speaking, “prostatic congestion.” It’s caused by a build-up of semen in the prostate and seminal vesicles, the two glands that produce most of the semen your date refuses to unleash. Sperm can literally build up, creating pressure and pain around the testicles.
Here’s what happens: You’re on the couch mashing with a hottie but, for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to give you what you deserve. Your sperm get trapped in the highway traffic jam because Mr. You Won’t Respect Me In The Morning refuses to grant you an exit lane. When blood stays in the genitals for a long enough time, it can cause achiness (blue-balls).
You’ve got three options when it happens: Take an aspirin, a warm shower, or do the job yourself. Orgasm really does relieve “blue-balls.”
Hey, Woody!
Sometimes I get a hard-on so hard it hurts and the problem is that it won’t go away for hours. Should I be worried?
—Hurtin’ when it’s hard
Dear Hurtin':
Sounds to my experts like you may have a condition called priapism. It’s a prolonged and painful erection that can last from several hours up to a few days. The blood flows into the penis, but it won’t drain normally.
When the blood in the penis becomes stagnant it can acidify and lose oxygen—like your friends on the dance floor at 6 a.m. Without oxygen, the red blood cells become stiff—again like your friends—and even less able to squeeze their way out of the penis. Wait, that sounds more like MY friends.
Priapism can be caused by