Be Bully Free. Catherine Thornton L.
Stand up tall, hold your head up high, and walk away with confidence. Turning the situation into a bit of fun can also act like taking air out of a balloon. Saying something like, ‘Probably better that you eat it rather than throw it away,’ can help to diffuse the whole situation a little. Make your point, then smile and keep walking. It might be that if the bullies see that their words and actions are actually not having that much effect they will be more likely to stop their bullying behaviour. It’s a hard one, but it’s important for the recipient of the bullying to try and not let what they are doing affect how they are feeling about themselves.
There is often no rational reason why bullies target people; the main reason is that they want power and control. It’s about them much more than it’s about the people they are bullying. But a person’s self-esteem can definitely take a hit during these times. At this point, it might be good to consider self-talk. A great first step is to get to know how you talk to yourself. Sometimes we’re unaware of the messages we give ourselves. For example, we can be our own worst enemy by telling ourselves that we’re not good enough to achieve what we want. Give yourself encouragement and support. Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to your best friend. You can find more information regarding self-talk on page 135.
When thinking about the bullying problem, think less about what’s happening and the associated feelings and focus more on what can actually be done about it. For example, a person may be feeling angry and hurt but can still act in a confident and controlled way.
Some people find exercise a really useful thing to do. It can help people feel better about themselves, reduce stress and can also improve thinking.
What’s important here is to walk tall and walk away. There are things that can be done that can alter the balance of power and give control back to the recipient of the bullying. Body language is one of these. This is the standing up tall stuff and looking super confident. Doing everything to make it appear that the power and control is not with the bullies, especially on the outside. Walking with purpose and authority, showing a carefree almost uninterested attitude is a strong response. How we look or appear is often how people will see us.
Above all, the recipient needs to demonstrate that they are not in the bullies’ power and that the bullies don’t have control over them.
Key points to remember
Avoid the bullies by walking a different route.
Keep your friends close to you when you’re having to cross paths with the bullies.
Use humour to deflect what they’re saying.
Look and behave in a confident way.
Talk to yourself as if you’re your own best friend.
#2
Trina – who experiences peer
pressure to try something
she doesn’t want to do
Type: Covert
‘Hey, Trina, we’ve got some cigarettes, are you going to try one?’
I’ve got a large group of friends, maybe too large! We’re one big group. Each weekend we go into town and hang out. It’s no big deal – well, it hadn’t been, but lately things have been changing a bit. Sometimes we’d do a bit of shopping; mostly we’d just hang out. I liked being with my friends; I liked being part of the group, though I have to admit that sometimes I was a bit uncomfortable with the stuff they talked about. It wasn’t so much what they said; it was more how they said it. The last few times the conversation was almost entirely either about cute boys or how slutty other girls looked. Sometimes they were just plain rude about girls that walked by. When they talked like this, I hung back a bit, went a bit quiet. Their talk made me feel a bit mixed up but I didn’t want to stand out. But I guess I must have because a couple of weeks ago Neve asked me why I went so quiet and never joined in with them. ‘It’s only a bit of fun,’ she’d said. Grace, sitting next to her, had rolled her eyes and muttered something under her breath. I felt myself go hot. I thought I’d heard the word ‘mummy’, but wasn’t sure. Maybe I just had to toughen up a bit. Like Neve said, it was probably all pretty harmless really. I just needed to act a bit more streetwise.
The next week though was worse. I was invited to join them but didn’t know that they had arranged to meet up with a group of guys. Had they not told me this on purpose? I tried to act cool, though I didn’t feel it.
‘Hey, Trina, we’ve got some cigarettes, are you going to try one?’ Grace asked.
I said, ‘Are you serious?’ I guess I spoke the words pretty quickly.
I added, ‘No, thanks.’
‘Yeah, well, guys, don’t worry about her,’ Grace said, smiling at the boys. ‘She’s not really part of our group. We just let her hang around cos we’re such nice girls.’
‘Do your mummy and daddy know you’re actually in town?’ one of the boys asked. He was nudging one of his mates. I could feel my face flushing with embarrassment. I muttered something about meeting up with someone and walked away, trying hard to look like I was in total control.
I managed to fight back the tears for the whole 5 km walk home.
Often the first step is the hardest. Walking away can be really difficult to do but is a strong statement of attitude and intent. It is a positive choice to remove yourself from the situation and not be involved. It might be considered as simply avoiding, but it’s really a lot more than this.
Sometimes it helps to think about friendships and what friendships really are. True friendship is so much more than hanging out with people that you have known since kindergarten or people that live in your street. True friends are people you want to be with and who inspire you to be your best. Friends think of your needs and laugh with you, not at you. What is it that makes a person a true friend?
The following activity will help you identify what it is that makes a friend a true friend.
Think of somebody you admire and are inspired by. It may be a family member, someone famous or someone you know from a local community.
Now, think about what it is you like about this person. Is it their sense of humour? The way they support other people?
Now look at the list of personal qualities below and think of five qualities your person has.
| Adventurous | Assertive | Cheerful |
| Creative | Dependable | Extroverted |
| Friendly | Generous | Genuine |
| Impulsive | Loyal | Open-minded |
| Outgoing | Patient | Positive |
| Receptive | Reserved | Resilient |
| Responsible | Sensitive | Sincere |
| Sociable | Strong | Sympathetic |
| Tolerant | Understanding |
From the five you’ve thought of select the two most important qualities that you seek in a friend.
Lastly, try and identify people of your age and who live nearby that have these qualities – the next step is to think about how you could develop a friendship with one or more of these people.
Although it may feel difficult and uncomfortable, sometimes the best decision in these situations is to leave the friendship group. Of course, there may well be temporary feelings of isolation and loneliness, but the bigger picture is that it won’t be necessary to keep putting up with the bullying that is happening at the moment.
This could also be a time to look at your level of confidence. Writing down a list of achievements and accomplishments provides you with an opportunity to focus on the positive things you have done and will encourage feelings of pride. Maybe it’s success at dancing or acting on stage that’s occurred at some point in your life? Perhaps it’s time to revisit those passions and rekindle the spark that can bring like-minded people together who all share a love and passion, as well as broaden your network of potential friends.