Be Bully Free. Catherine Thornton L.
aware of the things you’re saying to yourself and about yourself and make sure it’s as realistic as possible; be your own best friend (refer to page 135 for more information about positive self-talk).
Learn about perspective and focus on the bigger picture.
Behave in a confident manner – hold your head up high; make eye contact with people you’re talking with; smile; stand tall and upright.
#5
John – who receives negative
comments on Facebook
Type: Cyber
On the outside I was the same old John, but inside I was crumbling.
It was a crap game and I’d played crap. And that was the end of it. Or so I thought. I logged on to Facebook that afternoon and was amazed to see a couple of really negative comments from a couple of the guys from the team. I guess it was all just a bit of fun; after all, they were my mates. This was our second season together. It wasn’t as if we’d lost the game because of my mistakes. The coach had said as much after the game. Still, it hurt to be called a loser.
So I rang up Jay.
‘Mate, it’s only a joke,’ he laughed. How did I know he was going to say that? So what do I say? ‘Well, it’s not a joke to me.’ Or, ‘Yeah, fair enough.’ Or even, ‘Well I guess I am a bit of a loser. I sure played like one.’ We didn’t talk much. I spent the afternoon watching the footy on TV, ignoring my phone and computer.
But I kept on thinking about the game. I really had made a couple of clangers. And playing in defence meant it hurt us on the scoreboard. ‘Only a joke,’ Jay had said. It sure didn’t make me laugh. And so Saturday turned into Sunday and Sunday turned into Monday and still the jibes kept coming. I did my best to laugh it off, even laugh with them. I pretended it was actually funny, that it didn’t matter, it was no big deal. But inside it was cutting me up deep. I wasn’t sleeping so good, picking and prodding at my food and getting into trouble for not handing in my homework.
On the outside I was the same old John, but inside I was crumbling. The weird thing was, they were still my friends. I kicked the footy with them at lunchtime, sat with them in class; we even talked excitedly about getting some tickets for the first round of football finals.
I had to do something.
John needs to think about his friendship with the boys and how they had been hanging out for many years. He really needs to talk to them and let them know how the comments are affecting him. Although he may feel anxious, John needs to take what will appear to be a risk and directly approach them. Yes, he can acknowledge and indeed agree with his friends that he played badly, but the game is over and they need to let it go.
He needs to tell them how he felt about their comments and that he would prefer their support. It might seem like a joke to them, but actually their comments are destructive. He didn’t need them to blame him as he was already blaming himself for his bad play.
Directly approaching the people bullying you is an effective way to address the situation, especially if you trust the people and know that they will listen to you. It is quite likely that they have no idea of the effect of their teasing, so in letting them know how you feel you are also educating them about the negative effects of bullying. Sometimes bullying is not an intended outcome. It starts off as playful teasing, but it can escalate and become destructive.
Direct confrontation is best used when you believe that the situation is within your control and you have the emotional strength to address the problem.
Key points to remember
Take control by approaching people to let them know how you feel.
View your approaching them as a chance for them to learn that their behaviour is destructive, and that you might be educating them to help others in future situations.
#6
Danny – who receives untrue
emails and written messages
Type: Overt – Verbal
In the space of a couple of days my world was suddenly spinning out of control.
I didn’t actually believe Cam when he said there was a love letter written by me pinned up in the canteen. I thought he was making it up. He wasn’t. It was a copy of a fake email with my name at the bottom. I scanned the contents briefly before tearing it down, scrunching it in my fist.
Later in class, I looked at it more closely.
‘Hamish – are you okay to meet in our usual spot? Don’t tell anyone – I sure won’t… x Danny.’
My first thought was to wonder why someone would do that. How many people had seen it? How long had it been up there for? I found out walking home that night.
‘Hey, Danny, can we catch up in the usual spot too?’ I didn’t even know the guy winking at me as I walked out the school gate.
‘I didn’t write that email. As if I’d put it up in the canteen for everyone to see!’ I added, angrily. But that wasn’t the worst of it.
‘Die faggot,’ I read in the first email. I opened another one. ‘We’ll get to you. Your type is always dealt with in the end.’
I tried calling Hamish a couple of times but he didn’t pick up. Surely he wasn’t behind this. I didn’t go to school the next day. I told my parents I was sick. I must have looked sick because Mum took one look at me and said that was okay. During the day I got more emails. I couldn’t help myself. I had to open them.
‘Hey, Lover Boy. Are you at home with one of your friends?’
In the space of a couple of days my world was suddenly spinning out of control. What had suddenly caused this? There had been whisperings and the odd crude remark to stir me and bait me, but they’d been one-offs. I’d just tried to ignore them and focus on the good people in my life. Like Hamish. But even he was strangely quiet. The thought of going back to school was suddenly terrifying. But I was going to have to do something.
In this situation Danny could take a step back and gain the perspective of the bigger picture.
He could visit various self-help sites to learn more about the effect of bullying and discrimination. For instance, by visiting the Australian Human Rights Commission and Mind Health Connect (see the next page), Danny will learn that equality and freedom from discrimination are fundamental human rights belonging to all people and that people have a right to be granted freedom from discrimination based on their sexual orientation or gender identity. Another site to help understand more about the effects of bullying is ReachOut (see Further Information at the end of the book).
Although beginning to understand the bigger issues, Danny still needs to return to school and deal with his friends. Certainly he felt ‘empowered’ by what he had learned, but returning to school was a big hurdle. He didn’t think he could cope with any more emails and verbal taunts.
Other strategies Danny might find useful may include blocking the senders of the emails and learning some relaxation strategies to assist him with his feelings of anxiety about coming back to school. Refer to page 132 for more information on relaxation.
The following websites are also helpful:
