I'll Be There For You. Kerry Barrett
cousin’s baby group. It was fine. Nice. But I still found it difficult. Do you ever have trouble holding a conversation? I never used to be short of things to say, but now just making small talk is proving really tricky for me. I can’t think of what I want to say, or I go over and over it in my head trying to make it sound right, and then the moment’s passed and I realise I’ve said nothing at all. It sort of feels like I’m watching things through a window or from behind a screen. It’s odd and it’s upsetting. This isn’t me. It’s not how I am. Am I rambling? I just want to feel normal again.
Jx
To: Jasmine55
From MildredHubble
Dear Jasmine,
Obviously I didn’t know you before – I’ve never seen the ‘real you’ ‒ but it sounds to me like you’re really struggling. And what I want to say to you is that you have to be kind to yourself. My friend’s powers came back when she accepted she couldn’t mend that bit of her life, but she could mend other bits. I think that’s the way to approach it.
Mx
To: MildredHubble
From: Jasmine55
What do you mean, mend other bits?
Jx
To: Jasmine55
From: MildredHubble
Dear Jasmine,
I don’t want to ‘speak’ out of turn, and forgive me if I’ve taken this too far, but I think you might be depressed. From what I remember, loss of powers is a way depression shows itself in witches. My friend was under a lot of stress, she had a lot on her plate and things just got a bit too much for her. So she tackled it like you’d tackle depression. She had a stressful job, so she took a sabbatical. She wanted to use her energy in another way so she took up running. She started eating healthily and ditched junk food. She nurtured herself. And she asked for help. I know you’re telling me, but can you tell your partner? Or someone else?
Love Mildred x
From: Jasmine55
To: MildredHubble
Hi Mildred,
I told my cousin today. I was so scared of telling anyone, but she was great. She thinks I should tell my partner. It’s hard though, isn’t it? I don’t want to seem weak.
Jx
From: MildredHubble
To: Jasmine55
Do it. Can you tell your partner today? Are you married? Sickness and health, remember? I’m sure he’ll be supportive.
Mx
From Jasmine55
To: MildredHubble
Ah. We are married, yes. But he’s not a he. He’s a she. And she’s great. Amazing. Supportive. Caring. Kind. And I’m still nervous about telling her.
Jx
From: MildredHubble
To: Jasmine55
Jasmine,
She sounds wonderful. Tell her today. Promise? And will you think about going to the doctor too? I think it might be worth finding out if there’s some more help you can get. Of course I’ll help you too. Do you have an unhealthy lifestyle we can work on? Are things a bit out of control? I know I’m a demon for eating rubbish when I’m stressed.
Mildred x
From: Jasmine55
To: MildredHubble
Dear Mildred
How ridiculous that I’m relieved that you’re okay with me being married to a woman. I’ve never been ashamed of my sexuality, ever. But I’m so unsure of everything right now that it was another worry. I really feel we could be good friends, so it means a lot to me that you’re fine with things.
Anyway, I don’t have an unhealthy lifestyle really. It’s more the other way if I’m honest. I do a lot of yoga but I’ve lost my appetite and I can see I’ve got a bit thin. I should probably make an effort to cook more. Perhaps order some recipe books on Amazon. I’m not great in the kitchen – I get cross that it’s something that doesn’t really respond to witchcraft! Can you cook?
Jx
From MildredHubble
To: Jasmine55
Dear Jasmine,
I can cook actually. And I agree that it doesn’t really respond to witchcraft. I remember once trying to enchant a lasagne – the mess was horrendous! Though I’ve got a few witchy shortcuts that I rely on, I must be honest. I get spoons to stir themselves, and pots to turn themselves off before they boil over. I find it all helps me be more like Nigella. And when it comes to birthday cakes, then I just bake the sponge and let the decorating do its own thing. My daughter wanted a Frozen cake for her last birthday – she was thrilled with the castle I somehow created out of two sponges and a few ice cream cones. I was thanking my lucky stars for the help of magic that day.
And of course I use witchcraft for cleaning. I’ve not Hoovered for years – I just set the old Dyson going by itself and wave a hand at the dishwasher to get all the dirty dishes inside – and then out again when it’s done. It’s pretty cushy, isn’t it? But even then I sometimes feel hard done by because I’m just an average witch. I can sort the laundry with a charm and get the washing machine going with a flutter of my fingers, but I can’t actually conjure up clean dishes or magic a whole wardrobe full of clean clothes like I know some witches can. I’m sounding like a spoiled brat now! Lord only knows what I’d be like if I had to separate out my own whites and coloureds before putting them in the washing machine, or wash up a sink of dishes, or iron! I just plug the iron in and off it goes. Thank goodness.
Mx
From: Jasmine55
To: MildredHubble
Mildred,
Imagine how I feel! I’ve gone from being this domestic goddess – because of course I don’t actually have to do anything at all – to being useless. I had to get L – that’s my wife – to show me how the washing machine works the other day. The sooner I get my powers back, the better. I’m not sure how other people manage to have a life and still keep their houses clean. Perhaps they just pay for cleaners? Actually, that’s not a bad idea…
Jx
From: MildredHubble
To: Jasmine55
I have to go. Good luck telling L.
Mx
Back home after baby group, the kids managed a quick lunch with drooping eyes. Their fun morning had worn them out. I took them upstairs and tucked them into their cots, but Fi protested so loudly when I put her down, reaching out to Finn, that I scooped her up and tucked her in next to her brother. She sighed happily, clasped his hand in hers and fell asleep, their little faces close to each other.
I pulled out my phone and took a photo to send to Lou. She replied straightaway with a heart. I smiled.
Exhausted myself, I went into our bedroom and lay down on the bed with my iPad, scrolling through my history until I found InHarmony and the messages I’d been exchanging with Mildred while the kids had eaten their lunch. She’d left our conversation a bit abruptly and I wanted to see if she was back online. There was no sign of her though.
I lay back on the bed, disappointed that she’d gone so soon, and re-reading her messages. Depression, I thought. It was definitely possible and in fact it wasn’t the first time I’d thought of it. The twins’ arrival had thrown my carefully ordered world into chaos. I adored being