The Wife – Part Four: Till Death Do Us Part. ML Roberts
about you. I love you…’
‘Stop saying that. Please.’
I glance over at the bar. Ernie’s coming back with our drinks.
‘I have to go. I’ll call you later.’
I hang up and toss my phone into my bag.
‘Here we go. Gin and tonic, ice and lemon. Just how you like it.’
‘Thank you.’ I smile and take a sip of the gin, enjoying the feeling of the cold liquid hitting my throat.
‘Is there something you need to talk about, Ellie?’
I look up, his eyes meeting mine, and I’m back in control now. I’m good. ‘Before it happened – that night … Ernie, you know the kind of man Michael is.’
He raises an eyebrow, steeples his fingers together under his chin. ‘The kind of man…?’
‘Tactile. Flirtatious. Charming.’
‘There’s nothing wrong in being that kind of man, Ellie.’
‘There is if that kind of man takes advantage of his position.’
He frowns again, his eyes still fixed on mine, but he remains silent. He waits for me to expand on that.
‘Has he ever – have you ever seen him act in an inappropriate way with any of his students?’
Ernie leans forward and drops his hands, his eyes staring deep into mine. ‘What are you trying to say, Ellie?’
‘You know why she did what she did. Why she came to our home, why she attacked me, you know why she did that. She did it because she had some ridiculous notion that Michael had promised her some warped kind of happy-ever-after, and I just need to know…’ I take a second to breathe. ‘I need to know if it really was a ridiculous notion.’ I raise my head, and look back at Ernie. ‘I need to know if his behaviour is something I should’ve been worried about a lot sooner.’
Ernie’s frown deepens. ‘You think Michael may have had inappropriate relationships with students?’
‘The way he is – the way he behaves…’
‘He’s an excellent lecturer, Ellie. The kind of person who draws people in, holds their attention. It’s a very special quality, not one many possess. And it isn’t unusual for students to sometimes develop crushes on their professors…’
‘What she felt was more than a crush, Ernie.’
He throws me an apologetic look. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that to sound as flippant as it may have come across.’
I sit back, and try to ignore the anger that’s starting to kick up inside of me. All around me life continues, and I’m envious of all those people who don’t have a darkness surrounding them. They’re lucky.
‘There’s another student … Ava. I can’t remember her surname … I think he might be…’ I can’t bring myself to say it. I’ve already said too much. ‘I think he might be sleeping with her.’
I turn back to face Ernie. His expression is one of confusion, surprise; concern. For what I’ve just told him? Or for me? Has Michael told him how unstable he thinks I’ve become? No. Ernie said he hasn’t spoken to him in any detail about anything personal, but then, I’m surrounded by liars, aren’t I? Ernie could be lying too. I really don’t know who I can trust anymore.
‘What makes you think something’s going on between Michael and this student?’
I drop my gaze, look back down at that gold band on my finger. ‘I’ve seen them together. Outside of the university…’ I stop talking. I can’t let him know I’ve had Michael followed. I can’t let him know I listened in to his calls, read his texts. If I tell him that then he’s just going to think that I’m crazy. Unhinged. Paranoid. Everything my husband thinks I am, but I’m none of those things. He’s just driven me to this with his lack of concern. Lack of comfort.
‘Have you seen anything that makes you think he’s sleeping with her?’ Ernie asks, and the tone of his voice now is akin to that of someone speaking to a child. It irritates me, makes my skin prickle. I can feel that anger edging back now.
It was a mistake, coming here. I shouldn’t have done it. I stupidly thought Ernie might have been able to help me, when all this has done is make him pity me.
‘He’s changed, Ernie. He isn’t the man I used to know.’
I’m not the woman I once was either, and all I wanted to do was bring us back to those people. Be those people, again. I thought we could do that. Now I’m not so sure.
Ernie leans forward, and when he looks at me this time the pity is so clear in his eyes it makes me flinch.
‘I thought you’d both come through the other side, Ellie. Every time I saw you, either of you, together or alone, you always seemed like you’d fought what happened and won.’
‘Sometimes everything you see isn’t the truth.’
I pick up my bag and reach into it for my car keys. This was a mistake.
‘I should go now. I have a meeting in Newcastle later, I don’t want to be late.’
A lie. I have no meetings. Carmen’s looking after everything today.
‘Ellie, are you sure you’re okay?’
I try to summon up a smile, but I’m not convinced the one I give him reaches my eyes.
‘I’m fine. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here, and I shouldn’t have said what I did, I’m just being stupid. Me and Michael are going through a bit of a rough patch, that’s all. It happens. Especially when you’ve been through everything we have. We’ll be fine. We’ll work it out.’
‘I’m sure that whatever it was you thought you saw, between Michael and this student – it’s just his way, Ellie.’
Just his way… Something I’m expected to accept, right?
‘Forget I said anything, Ernie, I really am sorry. You’re right. I’m probably just reading something into a situation that doesn’t exist.’
Am I? Really?
He stands up, comes over to me, takes both my hands in his and smiles. He seems almost relieved. ‘You have nothing to apologize for, my darling. I had no idea things were still affecting you so badly.’
Nobody has any idea how badly everything is still affecting me. Nobody.
‘I’ll be fine, we’ll be fine. We just need a bit more time, that’s all.’
I lean in to kiss his cheek, but I do need to go now.
‘You take care, Ellie.’
I throw him what I hope is a more convincing smile and start to walk away, but then I stop. I turn back around.
‘You won’t tell Michael we met today, will you? Only, I don’t want to worry him. He still worries, you know?’
Ernie nods, just the slightest dip of his head, and I can only hope that he’ll respect my wishes. I just have to trust him.
As I walk out of the pub into the afternoon sunshine, I feel everything from anger and frustration at my own naivety to an overwhelming sadness at what I’ve become. What my life has become. I feel alone. Isolated, confused and scared, and I can’t have that. Those feelings can’t take over, I haven’t stopped fighting yet. I’m tired, and there’s a tiny part of me that wants to give up but I refuse to do that.
Michael loved me once.
He’ll love me again.
He’ll love me. Again…