The Dare Collection: June 2018. Lauren Hawkeye
Perhaps she should confess. Explain why she’d done such a reckless and thoughtless thing.
No. She’d never actually used any identifiers—he’d never know he was Illegally Hot. He’d never read the blog. And this wouldn’t last for ever—Ash would move on and she would chalk up this experience and believe in herself and what she had to say.
Because she was no longer Essie the downtrodden, the ignored, the inconvenient. She was part of something wonderful, respectful and mutually satisfying. And with a man as incredible as Ash.
And her relationship with Ben was also looking up. Essie hugged the memory of his thoughtful present to her chest. She’d all but sobbed over him on Saturday night.
I always wanted a sibling... I’m just glad it’s you.
That he would make such a heartfelt declaration went a long way to healing the past hurts and humiliations inflicted by their father. Ben respected her. He was starting to value her as a part of his life, as her inclusion in today’s nuptials proved.
Ash exited the A40 to Oxford and headed into the green and gold countryside. The sun glinted off fields of barley, filling Essie with a momentary sense of the contentment she’d craved her whole adult life. She was spending time with her brother and his friends, welcomed into his social circle.
An equal.
Valued.
Important.
‘What do you think of our English countryside?’ So Ash wouldn’t want to talk about Saturday night, or the wedding today, but they could still converse.
‘Very pretty.’
‘Don’t you miss New York?’ Of course she understood why working with his father at the family firm would be awkward, but why set up shop in London, why move away from your entire life?
He shrugged, non-committal. ‘The Jacobs are never absent from the business pages or the gossip columns for long.’ He concentrated on the road, his mouth a grim line. But Essie was more concerned about the growing constriction to her chest.
‘My...confrontation with my father happened in the open-plan offices of Jacob Holdings. Someone snapped a photo. The next thing I know, the whole humiliating business is splashed online, as if our sordid, fucked-up family drama is entertainment.’
Her lungs seized. He’d left New York to get away from his personal life and that of his parents’ divorce being played out like a soap opera on the internet?
He jerked his chin. ‘It was my fault. I hurt my mother. I should have spoken to Hal in private. When he confessed his...affair, I acted hot, without thinking, and I caused her pain. Humiliation.’
‘It wasn’t your fault.’ Her voice croaked past her scratchy throat.
He shook his head, nostrils flared. ‘It’s one thing to be betrayed by someone who’s supposed to love you. It’s another entirely to watch that devastation play out publicly, everyone judging, commenting, whispering.’ His lip curled.
Essie’s head spun. How could she tell him she’d used the amazing, no-strings sex between them as fodder for her blog? Poor, affection-starved, sex-starved Essie had cast aside her principles for a taste of success—the heady feeling of being taken seriously.
They’d travelled deep into the Oxfordshire countryside by now. Essie stared at the hedgerows without seeing the beauty, her mind churning in time with her stomach. Why had she been so impetuous? So irresponsible? Not only had she treated the man she’d come to know and to care for like a...like an object, she had no doubt Ash could slap her with a lawsuit that would blow her beloved blog and any future career as a clinical psychologist out of existence.
Should she tell him now about Illegally Hot?
He’d hate her. He’d call things off.
What if her poorly timed confession ruined the wedding? Harley deserved her big day. And his mother was flying in...
Hello, my name’s Essie. I shagged your son and then used the experience to flavour my online career...
What if she lost Ben and Ash in one fell swoop? She’d only have herself to blame.
As the silent miles passed, Ash lost to his thoughts, Essie to hers, she made a vow. A reckoning of her own making was heading her way. All she had to do was choose the right moment to explain to this amazing man why she’d done what she’d done.
Piece of wedding cake.
HE DESERVED A damned medal. He’d spent the entire afternoon and evening with a fake smile plastered on his face, walked his sister down the aisle and kept his opinions to himself, when all he wanted to do was drag Harley aside and beg her to reconsider her rash decision. He couldn’t deny the ceremony, under a rose-clad arbour, had been touching. And Harley looked so happy—even he’d had a lump in his throat, especially when he’d glanced sideways at a stunning Essie and seen her pretty eyes shining with emotion.
And he was man enough to accept that his feelings were about him. His issues. Nothing to do with Harley and Jack, who’d had the wedding they’d wanted today—intimate, full of laughter and in exquisite surroundings.
But he couldn’t shake his demons.
His mother, too, looked beautiful, but her face was drawn and pale. She’d lost weight in the weeks since he’d left New York. It couldn’t be easy for her being here alone at her daughter’s wedding, her brave face fooling no one. And he’d left her behind to deal with the fallout of her rotten marriage. To deal with the public speculation. To deal with his shame.
Ash looked out across the gently sloping vineyards from the terrace where he’d detoured after a trip to bathroom. He sucked in air that felt too thin and willed his stray emotions back under control.
This whole fucking wedding thing had unsettled him anew. Not because he was still hung up on the ex not worth his consideration, but because Essie’s gentle probing over the last few days and his cathartic confessions had thrown up comparisons, ones between him then and him now, and the evidence was growing increasingly hard to bury.
He’d struggled to answer Essie’s questions about love, because the truth was he could hand on heart admit that he probably hadn’t loved his fiancée. Not the way he should have. The way Essie described with her fun facts and scientific evidence. No wonder his ex had looked elsewhere.
And it wasn’t the loss of that imagined love that had hurt so much. It wasn’t even the lies, the deception. What hurt the most was that he’d handed over control of his happiness to those unworthy of it. He’d held himself back for so long after Maggie, believing the worst, something he never wanted to experience again.
All he’d done was live a half-life in between and then hurt others in his frustration with himself, his mother in particular.
Perhaps he was incapable of the kind of love Essie described. A chip off the old block. As ruthless, selfish and incapable of a meaningful, honest relationship as Hal Jacob. Genetics must count for something. But would he ever know if he refused to even consider the possibility?
Essie.
She was so open, so honest and so giving. Way too good for him with his issues and his rigid rules and his impenetrable guard.
Ash spun towards the festivities. He’d left her alone for too long. Not that he could claim her as his date, but, between him and Ben, they’d managed to keep both of their single sisters occupied on the dance floor all evening.
He re-entered the conservatory, his stare scanning for her. Her ready touch was the only thing to ease his restlessness. Her bright smile. And her dirty laugh. Even her fun facts.
The way she looked up at him. The