Modern Romance January Books 5-8. Heidi Rice
Finally.’
‘Wow. Lucky me,’ he said dryly. ‘Be more honest. Say the rest. If you trust me enough to tell me you want to give your virginity to me, then go all the way and tell me why.’
Trust him to challenge her, the guy wasn’t just sharp looking. She drew in a breath and braved up enough to talk. ‘I’ve been running for a long time. Like, a long time. Now I’m finally in a place I want to stay and I’m happy and what I thought I wanted all that time is no longer the same. Before I didn’t want to give it up easily. I thought I wanted it to mean something.’
‘Mean something like what?’ His expression froze. ‘True love?’
She giggled. ‘I really wish you could see the look on your face right now.’
‘Are you having me on?’
‘No, I’m actually telling you the truth, you’re just not listening to the important part. I am honest.’ She shrugged. ‘I lied about everything when I was younger and it’s not something I want to do any more. Who I was. Where I was from. What my name was.’
‘Just the little things.’ His gaze narrowed. ‘Why?’
Maybe it was the post-orgasmic high. Maybe it was the cocoon of his arms. Maybe it was because she’d already crossed so many lines, what did another matter? Maybe it was because she fully believed that the truth would set her free.
‘My parents split up when I was seven,’ she said softly. ‘They had custody issues and it got really bitter. In the end my mother kidnapped me and we spent twelve years moving every few months to escape him.’
Rafe’s jaw dropped and his arms tightened.
‘She was terrified an extraction team would get me.’ She rushed to explain it quickly. ‘So I was educated at our various homes on and off for years. For short bursts I went to actual schools. We went as far away as possible and we were never in one place for long.’
The expression in his eyes had softened. ‘You must have been terrified.’
‘All the time. My mother did what she thought was best. My father kept fighting to find me.’
‘So what happened? Did you ever see your dad? Did your mother get charged? How is it now?’
‘Complicated.’ She threw him a little smile. ‘I grew up—old enough to make my own decisions. I told Mum I wanted to go back. So I did, alone, and I convinced my father not to press charges against her.’
Rafe’s gaze narrowed. ‘He agreed to that?’
She nodded. She’d lived with him for over a year. She’d tried to fit in with his new family. She’d tried to please them all.
‘Look, it happened and I can’t go back and change it,’ she said firmly. ‘I can only move forward and make sure I get what I want now.’
‘And what’s that?’
She hesitated, afraid her talking too much was just putting him off. But he was still very close, his gaze very direct. So she caved.
‘To be secure,’ she answered. ‘I just want a home.’
‘And you’ve chosen Bellezzo?’
‘Why not?’ She shrugged. ‘It’s beautiful, it’s warm. The food is amazing and the people are nice.’
‘But you have no family here.’
‘I have friends. I’m building my career. I have permanency.’
He shook his head. ‘There’s no such thing as permanency. Certainly not in relationships.’
‘This is just you warning me again, right? Or trying to scare me off so I’ll retract my offer.’ She laughed weakly. ‘You don’t have to. I want marriage one day and I’m not going to apologise for that, but—’
‘You want to get married?’ he interrupted, looking at her like she was a lunatic. ‘Kids? After what your parents put you through?’
‘Don’t panic,’ she said softly. ‘I’m not asking you. Not kids. Not marriage. This—right here, right now—with you is an experience and it’s not one I want to deny myself.’
He didn’t reply. She saw the conflicting emotions in his eyes and felt the opportunity sliding from her. She suddenly chilled and wrapped her arms across her bare chest.
‘Don’t you think I can handle it?’ she asked in a small voice.
‘No, I don’t know that you can.’
‘But you shouldn’t get to make that choice,’ she argued fiercely. ‘I should. This is my body and I know what I can handle. You’d be surprised at what I’ve already handled.’
He gazed down at her. ‘Don’t think I underestimate you.’
‘Then don’t doubt my ability to make this decision.’
‘And it’s not a rash decision in the heat of the moment?’
‘Of course it is.’ She couldn’t help but laugh. ‘But what’s wrong with that? I’m actually feeling a moment and that’s a good thing and, no, I’m not going to regret it.’
She shifted a little beneath him, unable to resist the urge to move. He was still with her. Still touching her. She could feel the tension within him—he was so very strong, so very skilled. And she had nothing left to lose.
‘You’re a good kisser,’ she said dreamily. I think you’ll make it good for me. I deserve good when I’ve waited so long.’
He rubbed his hand across his jaw but failed to hide his smile. ‘I’m a good kisser?’
‘Really good.’ She nodded.
Despite his obvious arousal, he was still resisting. Her frustration rose.
‘It’s just lust, right? And doesn’t lust fade once you’ve done it?’ she asked. ‘Isn’t it all in the anticipation? The unknown? And once you’ve had it, you know, and so it’s less of a need. Like my most indulgent pastries. People don’t come back for seconds. They’re a treat you try just the once.’
He shook his head slowly, not lifting his gaze from hers. ‘I saw the queue in your shop today. People do come back for seconds.’
‘Okay, maybe seconds.’ She giggled. ‘But not tenths.’
‘You’re saying I’m your treat?’
‘Yes,’ she admitted. ‘Life is precious, right? It’s quick. You can lose whole chunks without realising. It should have moments of wild amazingness. Isn’t this one of those moments?’
‘Wild amazingness?’
‘And freedom.’ She nodded defiantly. ‘Yes. Why don’t you be honest about why you’re hesitating? If you don’t want to, you don’t want to. Don’t soften the blow, just say no.’ She pushed him but he didn’t move.
He ground closer and she inhaled sharply.
‘Isn’t the virgin thing every man’s fantasy?’ She grumbled her last-ditch argument.
‘You are absolutely every man’s fantasy, “virgin thing” or not. And I do want to,’ he growled back. ‘Just you. Just now.’
‘Why?’ She suddenly challenged him, her heart thudding. ‘You wanted honesty from me, I demand the same.’
He looked her in the eye. ‘You make me laugh.’
‘Really?’ She tried to wriggle away from under him. ‘I’m your jester?’
To her annoyance he actually laughed, but then rolled and held her tightly so she couldn’t escape. ‘I enjoy spending time with you. I enjoy looking at