Scandalous Sins. Tara Pammi
him about what happened at that university party was not on the same level of having a moan about a bunch of vacuous schoolgirls at a teenage birthday bash. Telling him about the trauma of her first sexual experience would be laying herself bare. Opening old wounds that had never properly healed. But there was something about Cam that gave her new strength. Maybe it was time to get it off her chest so she could breathe without that lingering pinching feeling of shame.
‘During my first year at university, I went to a party...’ She took a short breath before continuing. ‘I was trying to fit in instead of being on the outer all the time. I had a couple of drinks—too many drinks, really...’
Violet glanced up to see him frowning so intensely his eyebrows met over his eyes. But it wasn’t a frown of disapproval or judgement, it was one of raw concern. It gave her the courage to continue. ‘Things got a little hazy and I...well, I woke up and there were three...’ She took a painful swallow. ‘At first I wasn’t sure if it was a dream—a nightmare or something. I was on a bed and there was a man, not someone I knew...’
‘Did he...rape you?’ Cam’s voice came out sounding rusty as if he had trouble getting the words through his throat.
This time Violet couldn’t quite meet his gaze but aimed it at a point just below his chin. ‘I’m not sure... I don’t remember that part. Can you call it rape if you don’t remember anything? There wasn’t just one man... I’m not sure if they were just...watching or...’
He took her by the hands and drew her close but not quite touching his body as if he was worried about making her feel uncomfortable after her confession. ‘Did you report it?’
Violet shook her head. ‘I couldn’t bear anyone knowing about it. I didn’t tell anyone, not even Mum or Rose or Lily. I felt so ashamed I’d got myself into that situation. I just locked it away and...and, well, I quit my studies. I couldn’t help feeling people were looking at me differently around the campus...you know? I just thought it best to move on and pretend it never happened.’
He drew her against him in a gentle hug, resting his head on top of hers. ‘I wish I’d been at that party because there’s no way those lowlife creeps would have got away with that.’ The deep resonance of his voice from his chest where it was pressed against hers was a strange sort of comfort. She felt safe in a way she hadn’t felt in years. If only he had been there. If only she had been able to run to him and have him hold her, protect her. He was that type of man. Honourable. Chivalrous. There was no way he would spike anyone’s drink and take advantage of a woman when she was too out of it to give proper consent. The world needed more men like Cam. Men who weren’t afraid to stand up to bullies. Men who were brave and steadfast in their values. Men who treated women as equals and not as objects to service their needs.
Violet looked up at him. ‘Thank you.’
He gently stroked her hair back from her face. ‘It wasn’t your fault, Violet. What those men did was wrong. You’re not the one who should be feeling ashamed. They committed a crime and so did anyone else at that party who witnessed it and didn’t report it.’
‘I was so worried there might be...photos...’
He winced as if someone had stabbed him in the gut. ‘Do you remember anyone taking any?’
Violet shook her head. ‘No, but there was so much I didn’t remember so I could never be sure one way or the other. It’s made the humiliation of that night go on and on. For ten years I’ve worried someone out there has photos of me...like that, and I can’t do anything about it.’
Cam’s expression was tight with rage on her behalf. There were white tips around his mouth and his jaw was locked. ‘Think of it this way. If photos were to surface they could be used as evidence in court. You could identify the perpetrators and lay charges.’
Violet hadn’t thought of it that way and it was like a weight coming off her, like taking off a heavy backpack after a long, exhausting walk. She leaned her head against his chest, breathing in the clean male scent of him. He continued to stroke her head, gentle soothing strokes that made her feel as if she was the most precious person in the world instead of someone dirty, tainted, someone to be used for sport and cast aside.
Violet didn’t know how long they stood there like that. It could have been seconds, minutes or even half an hour. All she knew was it felt as if she had come to a safe anchorage after years of tossing about in an unpredictable sea.
But finally he eased back from her, still holding her, his thumbs rhythmically stroking the backs of her hands. ‘I want you to know something, Violet. You will always be safe with me. Always.’
Violet wasn’t sure she wanted to be safe. The feelings she had for him were dangerous. Dangerous and exciting. ‘Thanks...’ I think. ‘But please, I’d rather you didn’t mention this to my family. I want to put it behind me. For good.’
‘Am I the only person you’ve told?’
Violet nodded. ‘Weird, huh? You of all people.’
His frown was still pleating his forehead. ‘Why me of all people?’
She shifted her gaze. ‘I don’t know... I never thought I’d tell you. I guess I didn’t want you to think of me...like that.’
He brought her chin up so her gaze came back to his. ‘Hey.’ His eyes were as dark as sapphires, his voice low and deep as a bass chord. ‘I could never think of you like that and nor should you think of yourself that way. You’re a beautiful person who had an ugly thing happen to her. Don’t keep punishing yourself.’
Violet had spent years berating herself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong personality. If she’d been less reserved, less trusting, more able to stand up for herself, then maybe it wouldn’t have happened. For so long she had blamed herself for allowing herself to get into such a situation. But now that she had opened up to Cam, she could see how futile that blame game was. It was time to let it go and accept that it could have happened to anyone. She had been that anyone that fateful day.
Violet looked into his dark, caring eyes. Did this mean it was still hands-off? She still wanted him to kiss her. She wanted to be free from her past and experience being in a relationship with a man who respected her and treated her as an equal. Why couldn’t Cam be that man? Cam who listened to her as if she were the only person in the world he wanted to hear talk. Cam, whom she’d trusted enough to tell her most shameful secret to, which, strangely enough, didn’t feel so shameful now that she had shared it with him.
Cam’s phone started ringing and he took it out of his pocket and grimaced when he saw the caller ID. ‘Fraser.’ He pressed the mute button. ‘I’ll call him later.’
Violet bit down on her lip. Fraser wouldn’t give up in a hurry. She had yet to talk to him and her sisters. How soon before one of her family began to suspect things weren’t quite as they seemed? What if it jeopardised Cam’s contract? She didn’t want to be responsible for ruining that for him, but nor did she want to be responsible for wrecking everyone’s Christmas. ‘This situation between us is getting awfully complicated... I’m not a very good liar. What if someone guesses this isn’t for real?’
His hand cupped one side of her face, his touch gentle fire licking at her flesh. ‘No one will guess. You’re doing a great job so far.’
That’s because I’m not sure I’m still pretending.
CAM DROVE VIOLET back to her flat half an hour later. He was still getting his head around what she’d told him earlier. He’d had trouble containing his rage at what had happened to her. The frustrated anger at the way she had been treated gnawed at him. He had the deepest respect for women and felt sickened to his gut that there were men out there who would act so unconscionably. For all these years since, Violet had lived with the shame of being in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people.