Barry Loser Hates Half Term. Jim Smith
too. ‘Hi, Great
Aunt Mildred!’ I said, spluttering biscuit
crumbs all over Great Aunt Mildred’s
face, which was staring back at me.
It was at about this moment in the
history of the universe that I noticed
that Great Aunt Mildred’s nose was
about three times its usual size.
18
‘Are you OK, Aunt Mildred?’ said my mum. ‘Your nose looks a bit . . . puffy.’
‘That’s why I’m calling,’ said Great Aunt Mildred. ‘This little blighter bit me on the end of my hooter just now and the whole thing’s swollen up like an air bag!’
She held a jam jar up to the screen. Inside was a bright green beetle with six red legs and a humungaloid pair of pincers. ‘I was reaching for a banana when it jumped out of the fruit bowl!’ she warbled.
19
Bunky and Nancy slid off their bits of
the sofa and ran over to have a look
at Great Aunt Mildred’s nose. ‘She’s
right - it DOES look like an air bag!’
chuckled Bunky, as Nancy peered into
the jam jar on the screen.
‘Where are your bananas from?’ asked
Nancy.
‘Feeko’s Supermarket, of course!’ said
Great Aunt Mildred.
20
‘No, I meant what country!’ said Nancy,
and Great Aunt Mildred put the jam
jar down and wandered off, then
reappeared a millisecond later holding
a banana.
‘Sticker says “Grown in Smeldovia”,’
said Great Aunt Mildred, and Nancy
gasped.
‘I knew I recognised that insect - it’s a
Smeldovian Biting Banana Beetle,’ Nancy
said. ‘They’re extremely poisonous!’
21
I looked at Bunky and raised my favourite eyebrow.
‘Typikeel Nancy!’ I said, seeing as she
always knows stuff like that -
especially since she’d started going
along to her dad’s loserish nature club.
‘POISONOUS?’ gasped Great Aunt
Mildred, grabbing her nose. ‘What
does that mean?’ she whimpered.
‘It means I’m coming round right now!’
said my mum.
22
‘Call you when I get there!’ cried my
mum, reversing out of the driveway,
and we all waved. She’d thrown her
travel bag into the back seat of her
car, seeing as Great Aunt Mildred lived
about eight million miles away and
she’d have to stay until she was better,
which might be all week.
23
‘B-but, Maureen . . .’ warbled my dad,
bending over to pick up Desmond Loser
the Second. ‘What about my bad back?
I can’t look after Barry and Desmond
all on my own!’
‘Oh don’t be pathetic, Kenneth!’ said my
mum, honking the horn, and she was
gone. Which meant . . .
24
‘PARTY TIME!’ I shouted, running back
into the sitting room. I forward-rolled
on to the sofa and flopped my legs
over the back of it, settling down
to watch the rest of
Future Ratboy,
upside-down-stylee. ‘This half term is
gonna be AMAZEKEEL!’
‘It is NOT party time!’ shouted my dad,
marching into the room and plonking
Desmond on the carpet. ‘ARGH, MY
BACK!’ he cried, taking about three
hours to straighten up again.
25
Future Ratboy ended and I flipped myself backwards off the sofa, somersaulting through the air and landing bum-first on the coffee table.
‘I know - let’s jump up and down on
my mum and dad’s bed!’ I cried,
waggling my hands around like a tree.
‘Keelness times a millikeels!’ shouted
Bunky, and me, him and Nancy all
ran upstairs.
26
‘THAT’S ENOUGH!’ boomed my dad,
barging into the bedroom once we’d
been bouncing up and down on the
bed long enough for his bedside table
to have juddered halfway across the
room. He plonked Desmond down and
something went snap. ‘MY BACK!’ he
screamed again, waddling over to the
bed and flomping down on it, bent in
half like an L.
27
‘POOWEE, what’s that stink?’ snuffled
Bunky, jumping off the bed and
waggling his nose in the air, and we
all looked at Desmond.
Desmond’s face had turned red and
his eyes were rolling in their sockets.
28
‘Er, Da-ad? I think Desmond’s doing
another poo-oo?’ I said, sniggling to
Bunky and Nancy, and they both bent
in half like Ls too, except out of
laughter instead of pain.
‘RIGHT, THAT’S IT!’ shouted my dad
from the bed. ‘BUNKY, NANCY, YOU’RE
GOING HOME!’
29
‘Apologies for my father - I’ll call
you later,’ I said, as Bunky and Nancy
walked off down the road, and I
slammed the front door and stomped
back upstairs to my mum and dad’s
room. ‘THANK YOU VERY MUCH
INDEED!’ I shouted, once I got there.
30
My