Barry Loser Hates Half Term. Jim Smith
whimpered, still bent in half like an L.
‘You look like you’re doing fine to me,’
I said, thinking how there was no way
I was EVER going to have a baby,
seeing as it’s bad enough wiping my
OWN bum, let alone someone else’s too.
31
‘That’s not what I meant,’ said my dad,
passing me a plastic bag full of poo.
‘What DID you mean, then?’ I said,
except it came out as ‘Dot DID do deen,
den?’ because I’d stuffed two of my
spare fingers up my nostrils.
‘I can’t look after you and Desmond on
my own, Barry,’ said my dad. ‘I think
you might have to go to Pirate Camp
for the rest of half term . . .’
32
‘But I don’t WANT to go to Pirate
Camp!’ I shouted for the millikeelth
time, thirteen and three quarter hours
later. It was Monday morning and
I was sitting in the back seat of my
dad’s car on the way to Mogden Pier,
which is where the ferry for Mogden
Island leaves from.
33
‘Why not?’ said my dad. ‘I thought you
LOVED Pirate Camp.’
‘I USED to love Pirate Camp, but not
any more . . . it’s for BABIES!’ I cried,
and Desmond, who was sitting next to
me in his baby seat, started giggling.
‘You should fit in there just perfectly,
then!’ said my dad, and I screwed my
face up and stared at him in the
rear-view mirror.
34
‘What in the unkeelness does THAT
mean?’ I whined.
‘You’re a big brother now, Barry,’ said
my dad. ‘You can’t go screaming round
the house acting like a kiddywinkle any
more . . .’
‘I am NOT a KIDDYWINKLE!’ I shouted,
stomping my feet on the car’s carpet
and crossing my arms.
35
‘Yes, well, until you can prove you’ve
grown up a bit, I’m afraid you’ll need
to stay on Mogden Island with all the
other little babies,’ said my dad.
‘I bet MUM wouldn’t send me to
Pirate Camp!’ I shouted.
‘As a matter of fact, I spoke to your
mum on the phone this morning and
she thinks it’s a great idea,’ said my
dad. ‘Who knows - maybe you’ll
surprise yourself and enjoy it!’
36
‘Maybe you’ll surprise YOURself!’ I
shouted, which didn’t really make
sense, but I wasn’t in the mood to
care. ‘Thanks for ruining my half
term!’ I grumbled, and I stared out
of the window at the ginormous
billboard we were driving past.
37
‘ANOTHER FANTASTIC DONALD COX
DEVELOPMENT!’ boomed the words on
the billboard, next to a mahoosive
photo of a man in a suit with
sunglasses on. That makes it sound like
the suit was wearing sunglasses - it
wasn’t, the man was.
38
The man with the sunglasses on was
Donald Cox, who’s been building buildings
all over Mogden recently. In the photo
he was standing in front of some
skyscrapers, with his hands spread
out like he was the king of Mogden.
39
Behind the billboard, half a real-life
skyscraper was sticking out of the
ground. Men in yellow plastic hats were
dotted around all over it, hammering
planks and eating sandwiches.
‘Blooming Donald Cox,’ grumbled my
dad, pressing the back-massage button
on the side of his seat, and the whole
thing started to vibrate.
40
‘You can’t go five metres without
seeing his face these days,’ he said,
and he turned left down Bunky’s road,
which everyone knows is the shortest
short cut to Mogden Pier.
I pressed my nose up against the car
window and spotted Bunky standing
outside his house talking to Nancy and
her dad, Mr Verkenwerken. Which
didn’t surprise me, seeing as they’re
next-door neighbours.
41
‘DONALD COX!’ I boomed, waving at
Bunky. I’ve started calling Bunky
‘Donald Cox’ sometimes, by the way,
because it makes him wee his pants
with laughter.
Bunky carried on standing there, chatting
to Nancy and Mr Verkenwerken
and not weeing his pants at all, and
I realised I hadn’t wound my window
down.
42
I wound my window down and took a deep breath. ‘DONALD COX!’ I boomed again, and Bunky and Nancy jumped.
‘DONALD COX!’ boomed Bunky back, because he’s started calling me ‘Donald Cox’ too.
‘Help me, Donald - my dad’s kidnapped
me!’ I shouted, imagining I was Future Ratboy, and I’d been captured by his
number one enemy, Mr X, and locked up in the back of Mr X’s giant metal scorpion.
43
‘He’s sending me to Pirate Camp,
Donald!’ I screamed, pounding my fists
against the air, miming like I hadn’t