60 Plays: The George Bernard Shaw Edition (Illustrated). GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
of business. I take the wider view of a public man. We live in a progressive age; and humanitarian ideas are advancing and must be taken into account. But my practical conclusion is the same as his. I should hardly feel justified in making a large claim for compensation under existing circumstances.
LICKCHEESE Of course not; and you wouldnt get it if you did. You see, it’s like this, Dr Trench. Theres no doubt that the Vestries has legal powers to play old Harry with slum properties, and spoil the houseknacking game if they please. That didnt matter in the good old times, because the Vestries used to be us ourselves. Nobody ever knew a word about the election; and we used to get ten of us into a room and elect one another, and do what we liked. Well, that cock wont fight any longer; and, to put it short, the game is up for men in the position of you and Mr Sartorius. My advice to you is, take the present chance of getting out of it. Spend a little money on the block at the Cribbs Market end enough to make it look like a model dwelling; and let the other block to me on fair terms for a depot of the North Thames Iced Mutton Company. Theyll be knocked down inside of two year to make room for the new north and south main thoroughfare; and youll be compensated to the tune of double the present valuation, with the cost of the improvements thrown in. Leave things as they are; and you stand a good chance of being fined, or condemned, or pulled down before long. Now’s your time.
COKANE Hear, hear! Hear, hear! Hear, hear! Admirably put from the business point of view! I recognize the uselessness of putting the moral point of view to you, Trench; but even you must feel the cogency of Mr Lickcheese’s business statement.
TRENCH But why cant you act without me? What have I got to do with it? I’m only a mortgagee.
SARTORIUS There is a certain risk in this compensation investment, Dr Trench. The County Council may alter the line of the new street. If that happens, the money spent in improving the houses will be thrown away, simply thrown away. Worse than thrown away, in fact; for the new buildings may stand unlet, or half let, for years. But you will expect your seven per cent as usual.
TRENCH A man must live.
COCKANE Je n’en vois pas la necessite.
TRENCH Shut up, Billy; or else speak some language you understand. No, Mr Sartorius: I should be very glad to stand in with you if I could afford it; but I cant; so theres an end of that.
LICKCHEESE Well, all I can say is that youre a very foolish young man.
COKANE What did I tell you, Harry?
TRENCH I dont see that it’s any business of yours, Mr Lickcheese.
LICKCHEESE It’s a free country: Every man has a right to his opinion. [Cokane cries “Hear, hear!”] Come: wheres your feelins for them poor people, Dr Trench? Remember how it went to your heart when I first told you about them. What! Are you going to turn hard?
TRENCH No: It wont do: You cant get over me that way. You proved to me before that there was no use in being sentimental over that slum shop of ours; and it’s no good your turning round on the philanthropic tack now that you want me to put my capital into your speculation. Ive had my lesson; and I’m going to stick to my present income. It’s little enough for me as it is.
SARTORIUS It really matters nothing to me, Dr Trench, how you decide. I can easily raise the money elsewhere and pay you off. Then, since you are resolved to run no risks, you can invest your £10,000 in Consols and get 250 a year for it instead of 700. [Trench, completely outwitted, stares at them in consternation. Cokane breaks the silence.]
COKANE This is what comes of being avaricious, Harry. Two thirds of your income gone at one blow. And I must say it serves you right.
TRENCH Thats all very fine; but I dont understand it. If you can do this to me, why didnt you do it long ago?
SARTORIUS Because, as I should probably have had to borrow at the same rate, I should have saved nothing; whereas you would have lost over £400 a very serious matter for you. I had no desire to be unfriendly; and even now I should be glad to let the mortgage stand, were it not that the circumstances mentioned by Mr Lickcheese force my hand. Besides, Dr Trench, I hoped for some time that our interests might be joined by closer ties even than those of friendship.
LICKCHEESE [jumping up, relieved] There! Now the murder’s out. Excuse me, Dr Trench. Excuse me, Mr Sartorius: excuse my freedom. Why not Dr Trench marry Miss Blanche, and settle the whole affair that way? [Sensation. Lickcheese sits down triumphant.]
COKANE You forget, Mr Lickcheese, that the young lady, whose taste has to be considered, decisively objected to him.
TRENCH Oh! Perhaps you think she was struck with you.
COKANE I do not say so, Trench. No man of any delicacy would suggest such a thing. You have an untutored mind, Trench, an untutored mind.
TRENCH Well, Cokane : Ive told you my opinion of you already.
COKANE {rising wildly] And I have told you my opinion of you. I will repeat it if you wish. I am ready to repeat it.
LICKCHEESE Come, Mr Sekketerry: You and me, as married men, is out of the ‘unt as far as young ladies is concerned. I know Miss Blanche: She has her father’s eye for business. Explain this job to her; and she’ll make it up with Dr Trench. Why not have a bit of romance in business when it costs nothing? We all have our feelins: We aint mere calculatin machines.
SARTORIUS [revolted] Do you think, Lickcheese, that my daughter is to be made part of a money bargain between you and these gentlemen?
LICKCHEESE Oh come, Sartorius: Dont talk as if you was the only father in the world. I have a daughter too; and my feelins in that matter is just as fine as yours. I propose nothing but what is for Miss Blanche’s advantage and Dr Trench’s.
COKANE Lickcheese expresses himself roughly, Mr Sartorius; but his is a sterling nature; and what he says is to the point. If Miss Sartorius can really bring herself to care for Harry, I am far from desiring to stand in the way of such an arrangement.
TRENCH Why, what have you got to do with it?
LICKCHEESE Easy, Dr Trench, easy. We want your opinion. Are you still on for marrying Miss Blanche if she’s agreeable?
TRENCH [shortly] I dont know that I am. [Sartorius rises indignantly.]
LICKCHEESE Easy one moment, Mr Sartorius. [To Trench:] Come, Dr Trench: You say you dont know that you are. But do you know that you aint? Thats what we want to know.
TRENCH [sulkily] I wont have the relations between Miss Sartorius and myself made part of a bargain. [He rises to leave the table.]
LICKCHEESE [rising] Thats enough: A gentleman could say no less. [Insinuatingly] Now, would you mind me and Cokane and the guvnor steppin into the study to arrange about the lease to the North Thames Iced Mutton Company?
TRENCH Oh, I dont mind. I’m going home. Theres nothing else to say.
LICKCHEESE No, dont go. Only just a minute: me and Cokane will be back in no time to see you home. Youll wait for us, wont you? theres a good fellow!
TRENCH Well, if you wish, yes.
LICKCHEESE [cheerily] Didnt I know you would!
SARTORIUS [at the study door, to Cokane] After you, sir. [Cokane bows formally and goes into the study.]
LICKCHEESE [at the door, aside to Sartorius] You never ad such a managin man as me, Sartorius. [He goes into the study chuckling, followed by Sartorius.]
[Trench, left alone, looks round carefully and listens a moment. Then he goes on tiptoe to the piano and leans upon it with folded arms, gazing at Blanche’s portrait. Blanche herself appears presently at the study door. When she sees how he is occupied, she closes it softly and steals over to him, watching him intently. He rises from his leaning attitude, and takes the portrait from the easel, holding it out before him at arms length; then, taking a second look round to reassure himself that nobcdy is watching him, finds Blanche close upon him. He drops the portrait and stares at her without the least presence of mind.]
BLANCHE [shrewishly] Well? So you have