Three Plays by Granville-Barker. Granville-Barker Harley
lord arthur. Health and happiness to you both, Mr. Abud.
lord arthur goes out, followed by carnaby, followed by dimmuck. At that moment mr. smallpeice skips excitedly out of the dining-room. A ferret-like little lawyer.
mr. smallpeice. Oh . . where is Mr. Leete?
Not seeing him mr. smallpeice skips as excitedly back into the dining-room. dimmuck returns and hangs up his cloak then goes towards abud, whom he surveys.
dimmuck. Sir!
With which insult he starts for the dining-room reaching the door just in time to hold it open for sir george leete who comes out. He surveys abud for a moment, then explodes.
sir george leete. Damn you . . stand in the presence of your grandfather-in-law.
abud stands up. carnaby returns coughing, and sir george looks him up and down.
sir george leete. I shall attend your funeral.
carnaby. My daughter Sarah still needs me.
sir george leete. I wonder at you, my son.
carnaby. Have you any money to spare?
sir george leete. No.
carnaby. For Sarah, my housekeeper; I foresee a busy session.
abud is now gingerly walking up the stairs.
sir george leete. Carnaby . . look at that.
carnaby. Sound in wind and limb. Tread boldly, son-in-law.
abud turns, stands awkwardly for a moment and then goes into the dining-room.
sir george leete. [Relapsing into a pinch of snuff.] I'm calm.
carnaby. Regard this marriage with a wise eye . . as an amusing little episode.
sir george leete. Do you?
carnaby. And forget its oddity. Now that the humiliation is irrevocable, is it a personal grievance to you?
sir george leete. Give me a dinner a day for the rest of my life and I'll be content.
carnaby. Lately, one by one, opinions and desires have been failing me . . a flicker and then extinction. I shall shortly attain to being a most able critic upon life.
sir george leete. Shall I tell you again? You came into this world without a conscience. That explains you and it's all that does. That such a damnable coupling as this should be permitted by God Almighty . . or that the law shouldn't interfere! I've said my say.
mr. smallpeice again comes out of the dining-room.
mr. smallpeice. Mr. Leete.
carnaby. [Ironically polite.] Mr. Smallpeice.
mr. smallpeice. Mr. Crowe is proposing your health.
mr. crowe comes out. A crop-headed beefy-looking farmer of sixty.
mr. crowe. Was.
carnaby. There's a good enemy!
mr. crowe. Get out of my road . . lawyer Smallpeice.
carnaby. Leave enough of him living to attend to my business.
mr. smallpeice. [wriggling a bow at carnaby.] Oh . . dear sir!
sir george leete. [Disgustedly to mr. smallpeice.] You!
mr. smallpeice. Employed in a small matter . . as yet.
carnaby. [To crowe.] I hope you spoke your mind of me.
mr. crowe. Not behind your back, sir.
mrs. george leete leads lady leete from the dining-room. lady leete is a very old, blind and decrepit woman. dolly is a buxom young mother; whose attire borders on the gaudy.
carnaby. [With some tenderness.] Well . . Mother . . dear?
mr. crowe. [Bumptiously to sir george leete.] Did my speech offend you, my lord?
sir george leete. [Sulkily.] I'm a baronet.
lady leete. Who's this here?
carnaby. Carnaby.
dolly. Step down . . grandmother.
lady leete. Who did ye say you were?
dolly. Mrs. George Leete.
lady leete. Take me to the fire-side.
So carnaby and dolly lead her slowly to a chair by the fire where they carefully bestow her.
mr. smallpeice. [To farmer crowe.] He's leaving Markswayde, you know . . and me agent.
lady leete. [Suddenly bethinking her.] Grace was not said. Fetch my chaplain . . at once.
mr. smallpeice. I will run.
He runs into the dining-room.
dolly. [Calling after with her country accent.] Not parson Remnant . . t'other one.
lady leete. [Demanding.] Snuff.
carnaby. [To his father.] Sir . . my hand is a little unsteady.
sir george and carnaby between them give lady leete her snuff.
mr. crowe. Dolly . . ought those children to be left so long?
dolly. All right, father . . I have a maid.
lady leete sneezes.
sir george leete. She'll do that once too often altogether.
lady leete. I'm cold.
dolly. I'm cold . . I lack my shawl.
crowe. Call out to your man for it.
dolly. [Going to the dining-room door.] Will a gentleman please ask Mr. George Leete for my Cache-y-mire shawl?
mr. crowe. [To carnaby.] And I drank to the health of our grandson.
carnaby. Now suppose George were to assume your name, Mr. Crowe?
mr. tozer comes out of the dining-room. Of the worst type of eighteenth century parson, for which one may see Hogarth's 'Harlot's Progress.' He is very drunk.
sir george leete. [In his wife's ear.] Tozer!
lady leete. When . . why!
sir george leete. To say grace.
lady leete folds her withered hands.
mr. tozer. [through his hiccoughs.] Damn you all.
lady leete. [Reverently, thinking it is said.] Amen.
mr. tozer. Only my joke.
carnaby. [Rising to the height of the occasion.] Mr. Tozer, I am indeed glad to see you, upon this occasion so delightfully drunk.
mr. tozer. Always a gen'elman . . by nature.
sir george leete. Lie down . . you dog.
george comes out carrying the cashmere shawl.
george. [To his father.] Dolly wants her father to rent Markswayde, sir.
mr. crowe. Not me, my son. You're to be a farmer-baronet.
sir george. Curse your impudence!
carnaby. My one regret in dying would be to miss seeing him so.
george goes back into the dining-room.
mr. crowe. I am tickled to think that the man marrying