The Essential Plays of George Bernard Shaw (Illustrated Edition). GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
He has requested me, as a friend of the family, to write to them on a subject that concerns you.
SARTORIUS Indeed, Mr Cokane. Well, the communication could not be in better hands.
COKANE [with an air of modesty] Ah, that is going too far, my dear sir, too far. Still, you see what Trench is. A capital fellow in his way, Mr Sartorius, an excellent young fellow. But family communications like these require good manners. They require tact; and tact is Trench’s weak point. He has an excellent heart, but no tact — none whatever. Everything depends on the way the matter is put to Lady Roxdale. But as to that, you may rely on me. I understand the sex.
SARTORIUS Well, however she may receive it and I care as little as any man, Mr Cokane, how people may choose to receive me, I trust I may at least have the pleasure of seeing you sometimes at my house when we return to England.
COKANE [overwhelmed] My dear sir! You express yourself in the true spirit of an English gentleman.
SARTORIUS Not at all. You will always be most welcome. But I fear I have disturbed you in the composition of your letter. Pray resume it. I shall leave you to yourself. [He pretends to rise, but checks himself to add:] Unless indeed I can assist you in any way? By clearing up any point on which you are not informed, for instance; or even, if I may so far presume on my years, giving you the benefit of my experience as to the best way of wording the matter. [Cokane looks a little surprised at this. Sartorius looks hard at him, and continues deliberately and meaningly:] I shall always be happy to help any friend of Dr Trench’s, in any way, to the best of my ability and of my means.
COKANE My dear sir : you are really very good. Trench and I were putting our heads together over the letter just now; and there certainly were one or two points on which we were a little in the dark. [Scrupulously] But I would not permit Harry to question you. No. I pointed out to him that, as a matter of taste, it would be more delicate to wait until you volunteered the necessary information.
SARTORIUS Hm! May I ask what you have said, so far?
COKANE “My dear Aunt Maria.” That is, Trench’s dear Aunt Maria, my friend Lady Roxdale. You understand that I am only drafting a letter for Trench to copy.
SARTORIUS Quite so. Will you proceed; or would it help you if I were to suggest a word or two?
COKANE [effusively] Your suggestions will be most valuable, my dear sir, most welcome.
‘SARTORIUS I think I should begin in some such way as this: “In travelling with my friend Mr Cokane up the Rhine—”
COKANE [murmuring as he -writes] Invaluable, invaluable. The very thing. “ — my friend Mr Cokane up the Rhine—”
SARTORIUS “I have made the acquaintance of” or you may say “picked up,” or “come across,” if you think that would suit your friend’s style better. We must not be too formal.
COKANE “ Picked up “! oh no : too dégagé, Mr Sartorius, too dégagé. I should say “had the privilege of becoming acquainted with—”
SARTORIUS [quickly] By no means: Lady Roxdale must judge of that for herself. Let it stand as I said. “I have made the acquaintance of a young lady, the daughter of—” [He hesitates]
COKANE [writing] “ — acquaintance of a young lady, the daughter of—” yes?
SARTORIUS “of — you had better say — a gentleman.”
COKANE [surprised] Of course.
SARTORIUS [with sudden passion] It is not of course, sir. [Cokane, startled, looks at him with dawning suspicion. Sartorius recovers himself somewhat shamefacedly]. Hm! “ — of a gentleman of considerable wealth and position.”
COKANE [echoing him with a new note of coldness in his voice as he writes the last words] “ — and position—”
‘SARTORIUS “ — which, however, he has made entirely for himself.” [Cokane, now fully enlightened, stares at him instead of writing.] Have you written that?
COKANE [expanding into an attitude of patronage and encouragement] Ah, indeed. Quite so, quite so. [He writes] “ — entirely for himself.” Just so. Proceed, Mr Sartorius, proceed. Very clearly expressed.
SARTORIUS “The young lady will inherit the bulk of her father’s fortune, and will be liberally treated on her marriage. Her education has been of the most expensive and complete kind obtainable; and her surroundings have been characterized by the strictest refinement. She is in every essential particular—”
COKANE [interrupting] Excuse the remark; but dont you think this is rather too much in the style of a prospectus of the young lady? I throw out the suggestion as a matter of taste.
SARTORIUS [troubled] Perhaps you are right. I am of course not dictating the exact words-
COKANE Of course not: Of course not.
SARTORIUS — but I desire that there may be no wrong impression as to my daughter’s — er — breeding. As to myself —
COKANE Oh, it will be sufficient to mention your profession, or pursuits, or — [He pauses; and they look pretty hard at one another].
SARTORIUS [very deliberately] My income, sir, is derived from the rental of a very extensive real estate in London. Lady Roxdale is one of the head landlords; and Dr Trench holds a mortgage from which, if I mistake not, his entire income is derived. The truth is, Mr Cokane, I am quite well acquainted with Dr Trench’s position and affairs; and I have long desired to know him personally.
COKANE [again obsequious, but still inquisitive] What a remarkable coincidence! In what quarter is the estate situated, did you say?
SARTORIUS In London, sir. Its management occupies as much of my time as is not devoted to the ordinary pursuits of a gentleman. [He rises and takes out his card case]. The rest I leave to your discretion. [He leaves a card on the table]. That is my address at Surbiton. If it should unfortunately happen, Mr Cokane, that this leads to nothing but a disappointment for Blanche, probably she would rather not see you afterwards. But if all turns out as we hope, Dr Trench’s best friends will then be our best friends.
COKANE [rising and confronting Sartorius confidently, pencil and paper in hand] Rely on me, Mr Sartorius. The letter is already finished here [pointing to his brain]. In five minutes it will be finished there [He points to the paper, nods to emphasize the assertion, and begins to pace up and down the garden, writing, and tapping his forehead from time to time as he goes, with every appearance of severe intellectual exertion.]
SARTORIUS [calling through the gate after a glance at his watch] Blanche.
BLANCHE [replying in the distance] Yes?
SARTORIUS Time, my dear. [He goes into the table d’hote].
BLANCHE [nearer] Coming. [She comes back through the gate, followed by Trench.]
TRENCH [in a half whisper, as Blanche goes towards the table d’hote] Blanche: stop one moment. [She stops.] We must be careful when your father is by. I had to promise him not to regard anything as settled until I hear from my people at home.
BLANCHE [chilled] Oh, I see. Your family may object to me; and then it will be all over between us. They are almost sure to.
TRENCH [anxiously] Dont say that, Blanche: It sounds as if you didnt care. I hope you regard it as settled. You havnt made any promise, you know.
BLANCHE [earnestly] Yes, I have : / promised papa too. But I have broken my promise for your sake. I suppose I am not so conscientious as you. And if the matter is not to be regarded as settled, family or no family, promise or no promise, let us break it off here and now.
TRENCH [intoxicated with affection] Blanche: On my most sacred honor, family or no family, promise or no promise [ The waiter reappears at the table d’hote entrance, ringing his bell loudly.] Damn that noise!
COKANE [as he comes to them, flourishing