Collected Works. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
or volunteering for home defence.
THE CLERK. I have volunteered.
AUGUSTUS. Then why are you not in uniform?
THE CLERK. They said they wouldn't have me if I was given away with a pound of tea. Told me to go home and not be an old silly. [A sense of unbearable wrong, till now only smouldering in him, bursts into flame.] Young Bill Knight, that I took with me, got two and sevenpence. I got nothing. Is it justice? This country is going to the dogs, if you ask me.
AUGUSTUS [rising indignantly]. I do not ask you, sir; and I will not allow you to say such things in my presence. Our statesmen are the greatest known to history. Our generals are invincible. Our army is the admiration of the world. [Furiously.] How dare you tell me that the country is going to the dogs!
THE CLERK. Why did they give young Bill Knight two and sevenpence, and not give me even my tram fare? Do you call that being great statesmen? As good as robbing me, I call it.
AUGUSTUS. That's enough. Leave the room. [He sits down and takes up his pen, settling himself to work. The clerk shuffles to the door. Augustus adds, with cold politeness] Send me the Secretary.
THE CLERK. I'M the Secretary. I can't leave the room and send myself to you at the same time, can I?
AUGUSTUS, Don't be insolent. Where is the gentleman I have been corresponding with: Mr Horatio Floyd Beamish?
THE CLERK [returning and bowing]. Here. Me.
AUGUSTUS. You! Ridiculous. What right have you to call yourself by a pretentious name of that sort?
THE CLERK. You may drop the Horatio Floyd. Beamish is good enough for me.
AUGUSTUS. Is there nobody else to take my instructions?
THE CLERK. It's me or nobody. And for two pins I'd chuck it. Don't you drive me too far. Old uns like me is up in the world now.
AUGUSTUS. If we were not at war, I should discharge you on the spot for disrespectful behavior. But England is in danger; and I cannot think of my personal dignity at such a moment. [Shouting at him.] Don't you think of yours, either, worm that you are; or I'll have you arrested under the Defence of the Realm Act, double quick.
THE CLERK. What do I care about the realm? They done me out of two and seven—
AUGUSTUS. Oh, damn your two and seven! Did you receive my letters?
THE CLERK. Yes.
AUGUSTUS. I addressed a meeting here last night—went straight to the platform from the train. I wrote to you that I should expect you to be present and report yourself. Why did you not do so?
THE CLERK. The police wouldn't let me on the platform.
AUGUSTUS. Did you tell them who you were?
THE CLERK. They knew who I was. That's why they wouldn't let me up.
AUGUSTUS. This is too silly for anything. This town wants waking up. I made the best recruiting speech I ever made in my life; and not a man joined.
THE CLERK. What did you expect? You told them our gallant fellows is falling at the rate of a thousand a day in the big push. Dying for Little Pifflington, you says. Come and take their places, you says. That ain't the way to recruit.
AUGUSTUS. But I expressly told them their widows would have pensions.
THE CLERK. I heard you. Would have been all right if it had been the widows you wanted to get round.
AUGUSTUS [rising angrily]. This town is inhabited by dastards. I say it with a full sense of responsibility, DASTARDS! They call themselves Englishmen; and they are afraid to fight.
THE CLERK. Afraid to fight! You should see them on a Saturday night.
AUGUSTUS. Yes, they fight one another; but they won't fight the Germans.
THE CLERK. They got grudges again one another: how can they have grudges again the Huns that they never saw? They've no imagination: that's what it is. Bring the Huns here; and they'll quarrel with them fast enough.
AUGUSTUS [returning to his seat with a grunt of disgust]. Mf! They'll have them here if they're not careful. [Seated.] Have you carried out my orders about the war saving?
THE CLERK. Yes.
AUGUSTUS. The allowance of petrol has been reduced by three quarters?
THE CLERK. It has.
AUGUSTUS. And you have told the motor-car people to come here and arrange to start munition work now that their motor business is stopped?
THE CLERK. It ain't stopped. They're busier than ever.
AUGUSTUS. Busy at what?
THE CLERK. Making small cars.
AUGUSTUS. NEW cars!
THE CLERK. The old cars only do twelve miles to the gallon. Everybody has to have a car that will do thirty-five now.
AUGUSTUS. Can't they take the train?
THE CLERK. There ain't no trains now. They've tore up the rails and sent them to the front.
AUGUSTUS. Psha!
THE CLERK. Well, we have to get about somehow.
AUGUSTUS. This is perfectly monstrous. Not in the least what I intended.
THE CLERK. Hell—
AUGUSTUS. Sir!
THE CLERK [explaining]. Hell, they says, is paved with good intentions.
AUGUSTUS [springing to his feet]. Do you mean to insinuate that hell is paved with MY good intentions—with the good intentions of His Majesty's Government?
THE CLERK. I don't mean to insinuate anything until the Defence of the Realm Act is repealed. It ain't safe.
AUGUSTUS. They told me that this town had set an example to all England in the matter of economy. I came down here to promise the Mayor a knighthood for his exertions.
THE CLERK. The Mayor! Where do I come in?
AUGUSTUS. You don't come in. You go out. This is a fool of a place. I'm greatly disappointed. Deeply disappointed. [Flinging himself back into his chair.] Disgusted.
THE CLERK. What more can we do? We've shut up everything. The picture gallery is shut. The museum is shut. The theatres and picture shows is shut: I haven't seen a movie picture for six months.
AUGUSTUS. Man, man: do you want to see picture shows when the Hun is at the gate?
THE CLERK [mournfully]. I don't now, though it drove me melancholy mad at first. I was on the point of taking a pennorth of rat poison—
AUGUSTUS. Why didn't you?
THE CLERK. Because a friend advised me to take to drink instead. That saved my life, though it makes me very poor company in the mornings, as [hiccuping] perhaps you've noticed.
AUGUSTUS. Well, upon my soul! You are not ashamed to stand there and confess yourself a disgusting drunkard.
THE CLERK. Well, what of it? We're at war now; and everything's changed. Besides, I should lose my job here if I stood drinking at the bar. I'm a respectable man and must buy my drink and take it home with me. And they won't serve me with less than a quart. If you'd told me before the war that I could get through a quart of whisky in a day, I shouldn't have believed you. That's the good of war: it brings out powers in a man that he never suspected himself capable of. You said so yourself in your speech last night.
AUGUSTUS. I did not know that I was talking to an imbecile. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. There must be an end of this drunken slacking. I'm going to establish a new order of things here. I shall come down every morning before breakfast until things are properly in train. Have a cup of coffee and two rolls for me here every morning at half-past ten.
THE CLERK. You can't have no rolls. The only baker that baked rolls was a Hun; and he's been interned.
AUGUSTUS.