Manners and Rules of Good Society; or, Solecisms to be Avoided. Anonymous
house-party does or does not mingle with other house-parties, according to standing or inclination.
If three large house-parties join forces at a ball they form a very imposing majority; but there are other sets in the same ball-room, dancing to the same band and adjourning to the same supper-room, equally apart and equally distinct.
At balls held at watering-places, although the residents do not take large house-parties, yet they join forces with those residents with whom they are acquainted, reinforced by friends who come down purposely to be present at the ball. Thus, on the face of it, a steward's introductions cannot fail to be ill-received, in whatever set he may be coerced into making them; and it is well understood that introductions, to prove acceptable, should only be made through friends and acquaintances, and even then with tact and judgment.
As the stewards of a ball are usually the most influential gentlemen in the place, it naturally follows that they are acquainted with many, if not with all, of the principal people present, therefore when they make introductions it is not by virtue of their office, but simply as a matter of friendship, and through being personally acquainted with those introduced by them.
Introductions out of doors are rather a matter of inclination than not, as, for instance, when a lady is walking with another lady to whom she is on a visit she should introduce any friends to her hostess she might happen to meet, and her hostess should do likewise if time and opportunity offer for so doing; should any reason exist for not making an introduction on the part of either lady, it should be explained when they are again alone, as were either of the ladies to exclude the other from the conversation it would be considered discourteous towards the one excluded. When two ladies accidentally meet when out walking, and are subsequently joined by two or more ladies, introductions should not be made by either of the ladies, unless some special reason exists for so doing. A lady, as a rule, should not introduce gentlemen to each other unless one of them is her host, when it would be correct to do so.
How to act on the Occasion of an Introduction is determined almost entirely upon the reason for its being made, and by whom and to whom the person is introduced. Even the locale has something to do with it, and thus a variety of issues are raised, upon which an instantaneous judgment has to be given. The mind has to travel with lightning rapidity over the ground to arrive at a correct course of action; but the mind does not always respond to the call made upon it: it hesitates, and acts not upon the outcome of reflection, but upon the spur of the moment.
The Received Rule is not to shake hands, but merely to bow on being introduced; but this rule under certain circumstances would not meet the case; it would disappoint the one introducing and the one introduced. For instance if a relative of the former is the person introduced a bow would be a very chilling response to the introduction made; to shake hands, on the contrary, would be the correct thing to do, and both persons should offer at the same moment this cordial recognition. On the other hand, if a casual introduction is made without any premeditation, and those introduced are totally unknown to each other, an exchange of bows is all that is required of them.
Amongst the Exceptions for not merely bowing on being introduced are the introductions made between young ladies and elderly ones, and between young ladies themselves. An elderly lady, as a general rule, shakes hands with a girl introduced to her with the idea of being cordial and kind, not to say condescending, and girls generally shake hands with each other in place of bowing, as acquaintanceships formed by them have not the importance that attaches to those of older ladies; besides, a greater readiness to make friends is the privilege and characteristic of youth.
Men take very much the Same View as regards introductions as do women—that is to say, if an introduction is made by a relative of the man introduced, the men would shake hands and not merely bow. This holds equally good where intimate friends are concerned: they almost rank on the footing of relations, and a cordial reception is given to an introduction thus made. When casual introductions are made of necessity rather than of intention men do not shake hands. When "I think you have met A." or "I think you know Mr. A." is said—the one by a host and the other by a hostess—nothing further is required from either than a bow and a smile of acquiescence accepting the introduction and a disclaimer is not expected if "Mr. A." is not actually known. The uncertainty is an excuse for making the introduction.
Ladies do not rise from their Seats on being introduced either at an "At Home" or before dinner is announced, or after dinner, or when calling when people are introduced to them, or when they themselves are introduced. Half an exception occurs, it is true, at crowded "at homes," when to rise and talk to the lady introduced is almost a necessity: there is no vacant seat for her to take, and, therefore, if both do not stand, conversation is at a deadlock, as the few first conventional remarks made by either are lost in the general buzz going on around; also, it is awkward and ungraceful for a lady to bend over one seated for the purpose of saying a few platitudes. "Introductory remarks," or remarks following upon introductions, have too often a melancholy ring of commonplaceness about them and are distinctly trite. How can they be otherwise? To venture out of the commonplace into originality would be suspicious of eccentricity, and no one wishes to be considered a little odd.
Before and after Dinner, when Introductions are made between ladies it is to those seated near to each other, and, therefore, there would be no occasion to rise, as there might be at an "at home." There is no question of a lady rising from her seat when a man is introduced to her, unless that man is her host, when she should rise and shake hands with him, or a clerical dignity—a bishop for instance, if opportunity allows of it, and on a semi-official occasion. This question does not trouble men, as they are usually found standing, or they are brought up to a person to be introduced, and even if a man ventures upon sitting down at an "at home," or before dinner is announced, he springs to his feet with alacrity when any approach is made in the matter of introducing him to a fellow guest.
Introductions often have to be made at Afternoon Calls, supposing that two or three callers only are present and the hostess feels that she must render the talk general by making some kind of introduction, direct or indirect, as she thinks best. The ladies thus introduced remain seated and bow. They do not shake hands even under the exceptional conditions previously referred to, but they would at once join in the talk that passes for conversation, and on departure would shake hands with the relative in question after having shaken hands with the hostess and having expressed pleasure at meeting this near relative—mother or sister, or whoever she may happen to be.
Introductions between Callers made under enforced circumstances have not much bearing on future acquaintance. Those introduced pass so short a time in each other's company, and know practically nothing of each other's surroundings, that they are uncertain whether at future meetings they ought to recollect that such introductions have taken place, and whether they should bow or forget. Actually it would be correct to bow if the opportunity is given so to do, but unless the wish to bestow recognition is mutual it is of little avail if grudgingly given, and it would be worse still were it withheld. Some people have short memories for faces, and others are short-sighted, and both these drawbacks have to be reckoned with when expecting recognition from a person to whom one has been thus introduced.
CHAPTER III
LEAVING CARDS
The etiquette of card-leaving is a privilege which society places in the hands of ladies to govern and determine their acquaintanceships and intimacies, to regulate and decide whom they will, and whom they will not visit, whom they will admit into their friendship, and whom they will keep on the most distant footing, whose acquaintance they wish further to cultivate and whose to discontinue.
It would seem that the act of leaving cards is but imperfectly understood, and that many erroneous impressions