Step by Step. Группа авторов
1965
“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
When I first encountered this Step, I took offense at the word sanity. If the Step had said, “Power greater than ourselves could put us back on our feet,” or “back on the right path,” I could have understood. Sanity, with all that the word implies, seemed too strong.
I felt I couldn't be crazy or I wouldn't have sought help. Truthfully, I very nearly quit the program, all over the word insanity.
It was not until the Fourth Step (after stumbling and skipping over the Third) that I began to see the light. But it wasn't until the autopsy had gotten well underway and I found out that though I appeared normal to see and talk to, I was extremely selfish, thoughtless, heartless, inconsiderate and resentful of the very air I breathed. Was this the moral make-up of a normal person? I decided not. I had lost all true perspective in daily living. I couldn't plan and carry out one full day without confusing my hours with a lot of unrelated side issues and off-the-track thinking. Yes, I finally agreed that I needed the restoration of my sanity.
Then fear set in. Cold, unreasoning fear. What to do? Where to begin? Suddenly I became angry. Angry with myself. Angry with AA. “I might have known,” I thought. “I get myself involved with some offbeat outfit and here I am, more confused and upset than ever.” I recall wondering, “What's wrong with these people anyway? Why can't they handle their own affairs and let me handle my life as I see fit?” At that point I marched back to Step Two.
Another snag! I knew that somehow if I were to have any semblance of success with the program, I had to believe in a Power greater than myself. I didn't kid myself there. I knew that the answer to that was God and God alone. How to contact Him? I didn't know. I knew about prayer and the universally accepted benefits to be derived from it. I also remembered such phrases as “in God's own time” and “all things cometh to him who waits”—but I wanted my request for restoration of sanity to be stamped “To God for immediate action.” With that thought in mind, I really believe I sat back and waited for the flash of lightning and the peal of thunder heralding a spiritual awakening.
Up to this time, my prayers had consisted of half-hearted attempts for relief from my hangovers, from financial strain due to drinking and from marital difficulties brought on by my folly. However, I began to pray in earnest. At first, haltingly, ill-worded and selfishly, but ever so earnestly and sincerely, I laid bare my sins and misspent life. I gave vent to my fears and frustrations, my trials and tribulations, praying that if there ever was a stupid fool who needed help, I was that fool.
Still, I could see or feel no change in myself or my attitudes. I kept coming to AA. Each time I went to a meeting, I insisted to myself that this would be the last time. Later, as each “last one” went by, I finally found myself looking forward to the next “last meeting.” And so I have come to accept the Second Step, and to see that through staying in AA, sanity has been restored. I think I'm a better man for the struggle to understand.
J.S.
Walla Walla, Washington
Sanity
March 1981
Around the tables, Step Two cannot be emphasized too much, not only to newcomers, but to all AAs. Clearly, the chief mark of restoration to sanity is our not taking the first drink. No matter what else happens to us, as long as we refrain from the first drink, our lives will get better.
I realize the problems and solutions in my present life may well appear to be madcap, but I know a Power greater than myself is aiding me to carve out a better life. The change from the absolute madness in those tormented years of active alcoholism has been gradual, rather than sudden. When an inventory is taken, I perceive definite transformations—but in reality, they have been slowly coming all along.
I try now to explain frankly that I have problems with my thinking. (And I suspect most AAs have and will continue to have such problems.) But there is a difference: Today, I recognize the unreasonableness of much of my thinking or, more accurately, my responses to others. For me, there is a direct coupling of the Tenth Step and Step Two. The more sanity, the quicker the admission that I am wrong. It is much easier today to get rid of overreaction at the thought level before it becomes a spoken word and then a physical act.
Now, I can see that sanity is steadily being restored to me so that I can use the other Steps to greater advantage.
Sanity Clause
February 1982
The “sanity clause” in my “contract” with AA simply tells me that if I want to maintain my sobriety, I must go to any length to keep my mental attitude constantly aimed toward sound, rational thinking in all my affairs, one day at a time.
If anyone had told me thirty years ago that AA would come to mean basically that to me, I would have thrown up my hands and said, “What an order! I can't go through with it.” As it has turned out, however, from the day—November 16, 1950—when I first came into contact with AA, it has been my privilege to be an active member. For this, I am truly grateful.
The word sanity had very little meaning to me during my early years in AA. When the occasion arose to discuss Step Two, we would talk about the word insanity, but little time was spent on sanity. Someone usually set the theme by telling about his or her insane escapades, and then each of us in turn would follow by recalling our own insane acts. Sometimes, it would take on the appearance of a contest, the object being to see who could out-insane the other members.
Then, one night after a Step Two meeting, I decided to find out what those courageous early members who put our Twelve Steps together really meant by sanity. I was a little surprised to find that my dictionary defined it as the quality of being sound of mind, sound of judgment, reasonable and rational in one's thoughts. I was further surprised to find that the definition of sanity did not even mention insanity. As I sat there mulling over the definition, an idea occurred to me: “This is what I'm to be restored to—sound, reasonable, rational thinking.”
Since that time, I have used my dictionary to check on the meaning of other words in our Twelve Steps, our Traditions, and the first part of the fifth chapter of the Big Book. I find that this gives clearer meaning to my program as a whole. This habit of checking the meanings of words has caught on with other members. One of our women members even donated a fine dictionary to our group, to be used along with our Big Book and other AA material.
W.H.
Shenandoah, Iowa
An Indescribable Benevolence
August 1992
“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” What does this Step mean to me, a woman with just nine months of sobriety in AA behind her? What was my process of “coming to believe,” and in what way do I feel I am being “restored”?
At first I had to take this Step on faith alone. I knew I believed; but I did not begin to understand. Why would God bother with someone who had misused her energies, squandered opportunities, bruised the hearts of loved ones and ridden alcohol like a runaway horse to the gates of insanity and the brink of death?
Slowly I began to realize that “why” was the wrong question. One day when I was about three months sober, a quiet gentleman spoke up at my noon meeting and delivered a message which seemed to have my name written all over it. He said that we need only ask ourselves “how”—and that this question could be answered by three simple words: “honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness.”
I was desperate enough to try anything—even follow directions. I began to share at meetings as honestly as I was able. The pain and ugliness that poured forth from those dark recesses within appalled me, but to my amazement, no one judged. My worst confessions were received with tenderness and even a certain reassuring humor. I began to see that all of us had suffered in many different ways, and that I was hardly unique in experiencing that terrible sense of being "in disgrace.”
But wasn't “dis-grace” the opposite of God's grace, God's