To Be a Family. Joan Kilby
stay in Bali back in—”
“I know what year you were there.”
He cleared his throat. Of course she did. Tuti’s birth date was on her enrollment form. Katie would have figured out her conception to the day. “Nena was a lovely person. We had a good time together, while it lasted. The baby wasn’t planned, but once Nena found out she was pregnant she wanted the child. What she hadn’t wanted was an Australian husband.”
He stopped, aware he was giving too much information, justifying himself, explaining more than necessary because of his and Katie’s past.
“Was a lovely person?” Katie said.
“Nena died in a motorcycle accident. That’s why I went to Bali, for her funeral. The women there sometimes ride sidesaddle—in sarongs. Often not wearing a helmet. Half the time hanging on to a kid or a basket of fruit or chickens. It’s—” He shook his head. “Never mind. It’s the way they do things there. It’s just lucky Tuti wasn’t with her at the time.”
Katie stared at her hands turning the red pen over and over. “You’re sure she’s yours?”
“Positive.” This had to be hard for Katie. They’d talked about having children together many times. Even got around to picking out names. Or he’d tried to. She could never agree with him on when they should start a family. Or even choose a wedding date.
“What made you decide to bring her home with you?”
“I had to.” John shifted position on the small chair with a grimace. The edge was digging into his butt. “When I went to Bali I fully intended to pay my respects, make sure she was provided for, and scram.”
“But?” Katie’s dark eyebrows rose.
“It wasn’t that simple. The day after the funeral she showed me where she went to school. It was little more than a shack, with no facilities. I asked her uncle, Wayan, to send her to school in a bigger town and I would pay. He told me she wouldn’t be going back to school. She was needed at home to look after her younger cousin.”
Katie frowned. “Aren’t there laws that say children have to attend school?”
“Yes, but they’re not always enforced. School is pretty hit-and-miss for some Balinese. Ex-pats and rich locals attend school regularly. The poor, not so much.”
“And is her family poor?”
“They weren’t too badly off when Nena was alive and contributing her paycheck. Wayan is a fisherman, but he barely catches enough to feed the family. Nena supported not only herself and Tuti, but helped support Wayan and his family. It’s not their fault. The old way of life based on farming and livestock has broken down, fish stocks are depleted and the people are dependent on tourism. But tourism has been down in recent years.”
“That’s rough.” Katie rubbed her thumb over her knuckles. “But do the monetary concerns outweigh the advantages of her living with a family she’s grown up with? Surely you could afford to plug the gap that Nena left and let Tuti stay there.”
“I’m keeping up payments to the family.” John blew out sharply through his nostrils. Katie didn’t want to know him, yet she thought she could tell him how to run his life. “I’ve made my decision. Which, I may add, is my decision to make.”
Katie tapped her pencil on the desk. “Decisions can be reversed if a mistake has been made.”
“I’m not going to chop and change the poor kid. She’s staying and that’s final.” John stopped himself from showing his frustration. Regardless of his feelings, he needed Katie on his side, for Tuti’s sake. “I hadn’t planned on bringing her back. But when I saw her—” If Katie didn’t want to know him anymore he wasn’t going to tell how Tuti had reminded him of himself as a child and of his mother. “I couldn’t leave her. She might not realize it now or for a few years, but someday she would think back and realize I’d just walked away from her. She would think she didn’t matter to me.”
Katie went still, her dark eyes simmering. “And now, after seven years, her existence does matter?”
Suddenly the air was charged with the memory of how he’d walked away from her. Didn’t Katie know that she’d been everything to him? Couldn’t she understand that he never would have left if she hadn’t pushed him away? They’d gone to the mat over her refusal to get a mastectomy, which he’d been told was the best option to ensure her long-term survival. Instead, she’d tried all sorts of crazy herbal treatments, hours of meditation, eating only raw organic food—he didn’t know what all—before finally accepting chemotherapy followed by a lumpectomy and radiation treatment.
Remembering Tuti was in the room, he glanced over his shoulder. She’d left the picture book and was playing with the class guinea pig, poking a sliver of carrot through the bars of the cage. He still didn’t know how much she understood and how much of her silence was due to her being overwhelmed by her new life. She seemed oblivious to the conversation.
“Seeing her in person tipped the scales,” he went on. “Until a few weeks ago she’s been…abstract. Nena had convinced me Tuti was better off if I wasn’t in her life at all rather than be a stranger who dropped in every once in a while.”
“Personally, I would agree with that.”
Katie sat there judging him when she had no idea. No idea. “Maybe it was better, maybe not. But once I’d met her, staying away wasn’t better for me. She’s—” He searched for the words. “She’s flesh of my flesh.”
Katie made a huffing sound.
His hands fisted on his thighs. “You wouldn’t understand, not having a child of your own.” Immediately he regretted that low blow.
Her eyes widened. White creases appeared at the sides of her mouth. “Oh, and you’ve been a parent for all of five minutes.”
“Don’t take that personally. I didn’t understand, either. I still don’t, not really.” He met Katie’s gaze. “All I know is, Tuti and I are connected. I couldn’t walk away and leave her.”
Katie dropped her gaze to the pencil in her hands. “And does Tuti feel that connection?”
“I don’t know. As I said, she doesn’t talk.”
“Which brings me to the issues I referred to earlier. Today she’s spoken not a word, not in English or Balinese. Her mother’s death must have traumatized her. Developmentally she’s taken a step backward.”
John shook his head. “No, I don’t think it’s that.” He explained the Balinese attitude to death. “You should have seen her at the funeral. She wasn’t happy but she wasn’t overcome with grief either.”
“And are you an expert in a child’s way of dealing with grief? Her mother’s death might not sink in right away. She may need time to process. You should get her counseling.”
“How is that going to work if she won’t speak English?”
“Psychologists have ways of dealing with children who are pre-language,” Katie said.
“Isn’t that a specific set of parameters for sexual abuse situations?”
“Maybe that’s the side of child counseling you see in police work but there’s more to it than that. I’ll give you a name of someone.” She paused. “You do realize I hope that you can’t carry on with your life the way you always have. Kids need a parent to be there for them, especially when they’re coping with major life transitions. I recommend you take some leave from work, spend time getting to know Tuti, let her feel safe with you.”
“I have work commitments. A major drug investigation is underway—”
“What’s more important, police work or Tuti?”
If he said police work, all the arguments he’d just made for bringing Tuti home would be meaningless.