Sex in a Tent. Michelle Waitzman
We all like to think that we’ve got a good balance in our relationships. But for a lot of couples, there is an imbalance of some kind that comes into play when you’re outdoors together, and it has nothing to do with a bad relationship. Maybe one of you has been camping forever, and the other is a beginner. Or one is significantly taller than the other, or stronger or more fit. All of these things can get in the way of enjoying the same trip, but there are ways to help even things out.
The previous chapter covered a number of ways to help out a beginner. Generally, it’s up to the more experienced person to make sure the less experienced person will be comfortable with what’s going on. But there are some ways to help push things forward a bit. If you have a lot of trust between you, the less experienced person may be OK with letting the more experienced one navigate a difficult route. Or on a canoe trip, the more experienced person can offer to do all of the steering, so all the beginner has to do is paddle. If you go out together often enough, the beginner’s skills will eventually catch up, and you can go on more challenging trips. It takes a bit of patience, but just keep telling yourselves that nobody stays a beginner forever.
That’s all fine, but if your partner is a foot taller than you, there’s not much chance you’re ever going to catch up. (Although, between you and me, I’m still hoping for a midlife growth spurt.) I know it’s not politically correct to say so, but size matters, particularly on hikes or backpacking trips. Taller people have a longer stride, so they generally go faster than short people. They also have an easier time climbing up or down slopes, because they can simply step over things that a smaller person has to climb or scramble over. This often leaves the smaller partner working harder, getting more tired, and struggling to keep up. Or it means the taller partner is constantly waiting.
Rock climbing also depends a lot on your build. Having a longer reach can be a huge advantage when holds are scarce. People with a heavier build find climbing much more tiring than their leaner counterparts. And your differences will be hard to ignore if you’re roped together.
There are some ways to get on more of an even pace with your partner, even if a growth spurt never materializes. For backpacking, the taller partner is also usually heavier. When you pack, most people assume that it’s fair to divide the weight of your gear evenly between your two packs. In fact, this isn’t fair at all. The weight should be divided in proportion to your body weights. Most people who backpack can carry about 25 percent of their weight in a properly fitted pack without too much difficulty. Try to use that as a guideline for how much each of your packs should weigh. For instance, a 200-pound man should be able to carry a 50-pound pack, while his 120-pound partner shouldn’t have to take on more than 30 pounds. If you can’t pack that light, you’ll have to work out who is in better shape and let that person take on the extra punishment.
The Grumpy Mountaineer
“ When I met Jay, I was really excited because he was a mountaineer. I wanted to do more outdoor stuff, and I thought, ”Now I’ve met a guy who’s into that, who will teach me.” But when we went out hiking together, he acted bored and miserable. He felt like he was wasting time doing easy stuff with me, when he could be up a mountain somewhere instead, if only I wasn’t so inexperienced. He was so hard to be around that I broke up with him after a few months.
Then I met Mike, who was outdoorsy but not so hard-core. He didn’t seem to mind “wasting” a weekend hiking with me and giving me advice. Even though he could do much harder stuff, he thought it was OK to take a break from it sometimes. I’ll probably never be a mountaineer, but I’m much more confident outdoors than I used to be—but Jay will never know that. ”
—RW
If weighting your packs by this method still leaves the smaller person trailing behind, then make the difference even greater. Carrying around extra weight will automatically slow you down, and taking weight away will speed you up. Eventually, you will find the balance between the two of you and get yourselves moving at the same pace. Remember that the weight each of you is carrying will change over the course of a multiday trip as you use up some of your food and fuel supplies. So if you are carrying a lot of the food, you might have to add other gear to your pack to keep things fair as the trip goes on.
It can be tough for us women to admit that we can’t carry as much weight as our partners, but for our own safety most of us eventually swallow our pride. Like me, Justine has had to face the harsh facts. “I’m 5’2”, he’s 5’9”, so he carries more,” she says. “I’m always staunch about us being equal, but when you’re two hours into a five-hour slog up a hill—sexual politics don’t exist!”
Terrain makes a big difference as well. I’m a lot shorter than Gerhard, but when we’re on flat ground, I can keep up with his pace if our packs are weighted correctly. But as soon as the ground is more challenging, it all goes out the window. It takes a lot more effort for me to climb up, down, or over things.
Once, when we were on a four-day trip around a volcanic area of New Zealand, we faced a long climb up a mountain trail that was littered with boulders. Gerhard was ahead of me, and about halfway up, he stopped for a break and let me catch up because some other hikers had gotten between us. “You go up first,” he suggested (probably so he could take a longer rest!). As he followed me, he noticed that for every step he took, I had to take two or three to climb over the rocks. Sometimes, I had to use my arms to pull myself up on top of the next boulder.
When we got to the top, he acknowledged that I have to work harder because of my size. “You’re at a real disadvantage,” he admitted. Now that he has seen me struggle on rough terrain, he respects the extra effort I make whenever I tackle those trails with him.
Paddling a canoe or kayak may seem to be unrelated to size, but that’s not entirely true. People with longer arms have a longer, more powerful stroke, particularly in a canoe. If you’re trying to match your stroke timing, which can be helpful in a tandem kayak, the person with shorter arms will have to resist the temptation to paddle faster because their strokes are shorter. Sometimes it helps to give the shorter person a slightly longer paddle to compensate. If you each decide to paddle your own boat, you can decide for yourselves how important it is to go the same speed.
Size also matters when selecting a kayak paddle. Women tend to have smaller hands than men, and over a long period of time, it can be very uncomfortable to kayak with a poor-fitting paddle. A paddle with a narrower shaft helps to make things more comfortable for women, or even men with small hands.
Round and Round We Go
“ My husband and I rented a canoe while we were staying at this beautiful resort in Northern Ontario. Neither of us had used a canoe in years, so we were really wobbly, and I thought for sure we’d end up tipping over. But the most frustrating part was that he has so much more arm strength than me, that with each of us paddling on one side of the canoe, we kept turning toward my side!
I’m sure there’s an easy way to make it go straighter, but, like I said, we hadn’t done this in years. So he had to keep switching sides while he paddled so we could go in something close to a straight line. I kept trying to match his power, and the next day my arms and shoulders were just killing me. There has to be a better way! ”
—OB
You should also take your weight into consideration when you pack a canoe or tandem kayak. If one person is lighter, that person should have less of the heavy gear at his or her end of the boat. Use your gear to balance out the load from front to back so the canoe or kayak is as level as possible in the water. This will help to stabilize the boat, particularly if you hit rough water or high winds.
Working as a Team
One of the great things about being in a couple is knowing that someone’s got your back. Nobody is just going to stand around while the one they love is getting swept away by a river or is slipping off a cliff. There are many occasions during hiking, camping, paddling, or engaging in other outdoor activities when couples must act as a team, whether they’re fording a river or climbing up difficult slopes. By working together, you can keep each other safe and keep an eye on each other at the same time. In fact, building your teamwork skills