Coming Clean - Living with OCD. Hayley Leitch
because the rubber came right up to his waist and made it look as though he was wearing a skirt. Then in he’d climb, wearing his rubber ‘skirt’, wading through the water like a professional fisherman, holding a net in his hand. I watched him from the slide because secretly, I was terrified he’d topple over and fall in and the vicious fish would eat him up. They never did of course, but the fear was real. I watched from afar until one day when everything changed. I still can’t recall how it started or why I even did it, but something told me to climb up onto the raised platform and tip-toe along the edge of the pond. It was as though there was a voice inside me, a braver Hayley willing me on to see if I’d do it. Soon, the urge was so strong that I couldn’t stop myself. As I took my first tentative steps, I stole a breath. The water looked inky black and as sinister as I’d imagined. The more I looked down, the more I saw – the odd flash of silver and orange glinting like tiny torches against the beams of daylight. It was so sunny I could even make out Dad’s biggest fish, which were a strange mixture of bluish grey and black. They scared me most because they were huge, almost two feet long. They were scarier than the others because they were so dark that they were virtually invisible. The sort who’d sneak up on you when you least expected and take a bite out of you. The thought of the fish terrified me. I jumped down from the edge – I’d done enough for today.
Days later, I was at it again, only this time the voice which had told me to walk along the edge of the pond was now daring me to go one step further – this time I had to jump it. My heart was thudding as I climbed back up onto the edge. I held a hand against my mouth as I surveyed the size of it. I knew I couldn’t jump the length because it was far too long but the width was so much narrower. Even though it was wider than I was tall, I knew I was good at jumping so I told myself I could do it – I could jump the fishpond! As the idea danced around inside my head I remembered the scary fish inside.
What if they chomped at my fingers and toes?
The thought of them made me feel sick but there was something else – I couldn’t swim. It should’ve been enough to make me walk away but something kept me there. The compulsion to jump over the water had quite literally glued my feet to the spot until it was all I could think of. My mind raced with random thoughts as they whizzed and whirred inside my head.
If I jumped the fishpond then everyone would be really pleased. If I jumped the pond and made it to the other side then maybe bad things wouldn’t happen and everyone would stay safe?
I knew it was crazy, even at five years old, but somehow because it was so crazy it also seemed to make perfect sense. In order to stop awful things from happening, I’d have to put myself at risk because at least that way nothing awful would happen to my family again.
I glanced up and around me. Lauren was playing happily in the bottom corner of the garden near the slide. The pond beckoned me until I forgot all about my sister and focused on what I had to do. I wandered around the edge until I was standing at the narrowest part – the pinched-in bit of the figure of eight. If I was going to clear it then I’d have to jump that part, otherwise I’d fall in.
But what if I didn’t make it? What if the horrible sharks gobbled me up? What if I drowned?
I stole a breath. By now, panic had set in and my heart was racing as I tried to shake the negative thoughts from my head. The doubts were still there, niggling away at the back of my brain like the fish nibbling at my toes, but I could do this and I had to, to keep my family safe. I shuddered because I was too scared to jump and too scared not to. If I didn’t jump then bad things would happen, like Nanny Rose dying, and it’d all be my fault. Soon, the urge was so strong that I couldn’t contain it any longer.
Imagine how pleased everyone would be? Imagine how clever they’d think I was?
I thought back to the day on Nanny Rose’s swing, when everything was perfect and everyone was well. I wanted, no, I needed, everyone to tell me how well I’d done. I wanted them all to see, but only when I’d cleared it, then they’d all be happy.
I glanced over at Lauren. Her head was bowed as though she was in deep thought, playing in her own imaginary world yet, there I was, about to take the biggest jump of my life. My eyes darted over towards the back of the house. Mum and Nanny Linda were busy inside. I could see Nana; she was ironing in the kitchen. Mum was cleaning the house; I spotted her head as she walked inside the kitchen to pick up something. I waited until she’d moved away from the window and then I knew it was time.
I can do this, the voice inside my head urged.
It was right, I could do this and I had to do it now. Gritting my teeth, I took a few steps back, enough to take a running jump. I screwed my eyes up tight so that I wouldn’t see the water and took an extra deep breath for courage. I gulped in so much air that my lungs felt fit to burst. When I was sure I couldn’t breathe in any more I ran towards the pool at full pelt. Like a steam train – nothing, no one, could stop me. My feet lifted up and left the safety of the paving slabs. Soon I was falling against thin air, my hands, arms and legs splaying against nothingness. The cold water enveloped me almost immediately and brought me back into the moment. It choked me as it slipped up inside my nose and mouth, working its way like a snake down into my lungs, before stealing my breath. I instinctively put out my arms to stop myself from sinking deeper, but as I did thin webs of green slime slipped through my fingers. I heard the muffled and distorted sound of voices coming from above and saw dark shadows silhouetted against the sunlight. People were frantically looking down at me, watching me sink. I don’t remember who dragged me out but I do remember the almighty telling off I got from Mum.
‘Why did you do that, you silly girl? You could’ve drowned!’ she screeched, as I choked and spluttered in front of her.
The taste in my mouth was vile, even worse than the sour apple. I coughed and spat something out – putrid green water splashed against the floor by my feet. The look and taste of it made me want to retch and I started to shake.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ Mum was screaming. ‘You could’ve died! Why did you do it, tell me why you did it, Hayley?’
Three pairs of eyes looked straight at me as Nanny Linda, Mum and Lauren waited for an answer I didn’t have.
‘I fell in,’ I lied.
Mum shook her head in disbelief.
‘Well, thank God we saw you when we did, otherwise who knows what could’ve happened!’
She was so angry that she was shaking too.
‘You could’ve drowned!’
How could I tell her that I hadn’t fallen in, that it hadn’t been an accident – that the real reason I’d ended up in the water was because I needed to jump the pond?
It took a while, but eventually Mum calmed down. To be honest, I think I’d frightened her almost as much as I had myself. Thankfully, I managed to escape without any shark bites that day and, other than a sore throat from swallowing too much water and a bit of green slime which had stained my skin; it was nothing a hot bath and good scrub wouldn’t sort out. Despite my near-death experience, soon I was as good as new. It spurred me on to have another go.
The next time I tried to jump the pond it was a weekend. Dad had been in and out of the house all day doing various bits of DIY, so I waited until he’d nipped back inside before I took a running jump.
This time I’ll clear it, I just know I will, the voice inside my head convinced me. It repeated it over and over, like a mantra.
But I didn’t clear it; in fact, I didn’t come anywhere close but landed right in the middle and sank straight to the bottom like a stone. Dad saw me and ran across the garden to fish me out.
‘What are you doing, Hayley?’ he gasped, his voice rising with panic. ‘You shouldn’t go near the pond, you could’ve drowned!’
But the thought of dying didn’t deter me because I needed to do this, to keep everyone