Coming Clean - Living with OCD. Hayley Leitch
most upsetting of all. That afternoon, I’d been invited to a boy’s party in the neighbourhood. Mum had been out and bought me a brand new dress. I loved my party dress; it was all white with a big swishy skirt and lots of girly frills. It was absolutely perfect. Mum had spent ages styling my hair until it was curled at the sides and pinned up on top with a big bow. Even my socks had lace and frills and my shoes were black and shiny. I was all ready for my party. As I stood inside the kitchen waiting for Mum, I twisted my feet so that I could admire my shoes. As I did, I noticed the fishpond out of the corner of my eye. It was still there, calling to me through the window, urging me to give it just one more try. I was lovely and clean and all ready to go but something told me to open up the backdoor and wander over towards the pond.
Maybe my smart new clothes would help? Maybe they’d give me extra power?
I needed to find out. I’d never cleared it before but today, something told me it would be different. This time, I’d jump it in one go.
Mum hadn’t noticed me slip out into the garden because she was busy talking to Nanny Linda. As I stood at the edge of the pond, I glanced back at the house. The coast was clear.
The crazy paving felt uneven beneath my feet and the water in the pond was as dark and unwelcoming as I remembered. It was a hot day and the stench rising from it made me recoil but the sun was shining high in a virtually cloud-free sky and today felt better and full of hope. Today would be different because today I’d jump the pond.
This time I’ll clear it. This time I’ll make it across, I just know it. The voice convinced me.
I closed my eyes and took the deepest breath I could. Then I began to run. The faster I ran the more I imagined the happy faces, cheers and applause as I landed safely on the other side. My party dress would still be immaculate and I’d be hailed a hero – Hayley the hero. Mum and Dad would be so pleased because they wouldn’t have to worry about me not being able to swim anymore. Once I’d jumped the pond everything would be great. As I ran I felt my feet leave the earth as they sailed and then scrambled through the air.
Almost there, the voice told me, I was almost at the other side. This time I’d make it. This time everything would be better.
The coldness of the water slapped me sharply like a hand across my face. A huge blanket of water whooshed over the top of my head swallowing me whole. Coldness froze against my skin making it numb, as my arms tangled against watery cobwebs. Suddenly, the whip of something against my back caused me to panic.
It was them; the fish were coming to get me!
My heart pounded as I struggled to untangle both my fingers and hair from the weeds. But the more I struggled, the more they seemed to pull me under like swirling green hands dragging me to my death. I was simply terrified.
What if no one had seen? What if no one came to my rescue? What if I drowned and died at the bottom of the pond?
My fingers fumbled around, trying to hold onto something, anything. I realised I didn’t want to die. I was only five. I just wanted everything to be back how it was. I imagined myself standing above, at the side of the water, dressed in my pristine party dress.
What if I never saw my parents or Nanny Linda ever again?
My stomach lurched.
What if I landed at the bottom of the pond and the fish ate me, chewing me up into small pieces? No one would ever find me.
My heart pounded with fear. Suddenly, a distant voice sounded above. My eyes felt fuzzy as I tried to look through the dirty water. It was hard but I looked up towards the light and that’s when I saw a blurred and horrified face peering straight down at me. She was mostly shadow but I knew immediately who it was – my sister Lauren.
‘Mum, quick! Hayley’s in the pond again!’ Her voice sounded muffled and distorted through the thickness of the water.
Another figure appeared and then a hand reached down. It grabbed the front of my dress and I felt a frantic tug and then relief at the sensation of being pulled upwards, towards the light. As soon as I reached the surface I gasped for air. The hand had belonged to Mum and now she was standing there and she was absolutely furious.
‘For God’s sake Hayley!’ she screamed. ‘Look at the state of you, your dress is ruined!’
I looked down; it was stained green from the slime and dirty water. Mum was right, everything was ruined. I’d ruined everything.
‘In fact, forget it; you can’t go to the party.’
The rescue, the fresh air, but more importantly, the impact of what I’d just done hit me and I promptly burst into tears. Mum was trembling with both fear and anger as I dripped in front of her. Nanny Linda always tried her best to keep the peace but even she couldn’t hold her tongue when she saw me and came running over.
‘Oh balls! Has she been in the bloody fishpond again?’ she asked, clamping her hand over her mouth in horror.
It seemed to make Mum even worse.
‘Your dress is ruined! You’ll never be able to wear it ever again.’ She shouted. ‘I may as well put it all straight in the bin. Why did you do it? You could have drowned, you silly girl. You can’t swim! Tell me, tell me why you did it?’
But the problem was I didn’t know. Instead, I wept because I’d frightened myself. I was upset because my pretty party dress was ruined but most of all, I cried because I knew I’d worried Mum. But she saw how distraught I was and softened a little.
‘It’s okay,’ she said looking over at Nanny Linda. ‘You can go to the party. But,’ she said raising a finger as if to make a point, ‘you never, ever go near the pond again. Agreed?’
I nodded my head.
‘Go on then,’ she said pointing towards the house. ‘You’ll have to get washed and, as for your dress, well, that’ll have to go straight in the bin.’
I didn’t look at Mum or Nanny Linda because I felt ashamed. Ashamed of what I’d done. The worst part was I didn’t even know why I’d done it. I turned and walked sadly back towards the house. I’d ruined everything. My dress, socks and shoes were soaked and my hair was a tangled mess of knotted, wet curls and blanket weed. I shivered with shock and cold as I lifted my shoulder and sniffed it – I stunk to high heaven and it was my fault. I was devastated about my party dress because it’d been the prettiest one in the shop and now I’d never get the chance to wear it again.
Nanny Linda helped scrub me clean in the bath but as much as she loved me, I could see her wondering exactly the same thing as Mum.
What was wrong with Hayley?
‘You’re a bloody mare, you are!’ she said, shaking her head in despair as she scrubbed my neck and back with the soapy sponge.
I was a little late getting to the party and, in the end, I wore an older and much less ‘swingy’ dress. I was upset because I’d felt so lovely before but now I looked dull and dowdy. Sure enough, Mum threw the dress in the bin. I don’t know if she told Dad because nothing else was said but when I returned home I was so distressed that I cried myself to sleep.
Why did I have to keep jumping the pond and why did I have to keep upsetting them all so much?
But I didn’t know the answer. In my own mind, I was doing it to protect them but how could I tell them that? Just saying it sounded wrong. My urge to jump was so strong that I knew it wouldn’t go away until I had.
The next time I jumped the pond, both my parents were at work. Nanny Linda was sitting watching us in the garden. It was a red hot day in the middle of the school holidays. Lauren and I had been messing about with the hosepipe all morning, looping it down the slide so we could slide along a little faster. Nanny Linda was resting in a chair reading a book. She was dressed in a swimsuit and