Coming Clean - Living with OCD. Hayley Leitch
oil. Her family were from Greece, and her dark skin never seemed to burn. She was a petite woman with long, dark hair. At one point it was so long that it almost touched her bum but, as she got older, she cut it until eventually, it ended up in a neat tight perm on the top of her head.
By the afternoon, I felt a little chilled so I changed back into my clothes and I wandered back out into the garden. Nana was sitting with Zara, who was still in her pushchair. The hood was up and she had a hat on to shield her against the sun. I looked across at the pond. It was calling to me again, daring me to jump it. I sat down and tried to think of something else. I needed to forget about the pond. But, try as I might, I just couldn’t. The urge was so strong that I rose to my feet. Nana momentarily turned away to fuss over Zara, who was holding a bunch of baby keys in her hands. Nana was rattling them and was so engrossed that she didn’t notice me slip away and walk over towards the water. Once again, I shut my eyes and took an almighty jump.
‘You bloody mare!’ I heard Nana’s voice screech from across the garden just as I hit the water.
Once again, I was right at the bottom but as I looked up all I could see was her tiny silhouette against the light above. A hand plunged in and down towards me as Nanny Linda fished me out, choking and stinking. To be honest, I don’t think her eyes left me even for a second because she was at the side of the pool as quick as a flash. Everyone knew I couldn’t be trusted near water. Everyone knew what I was like, even if they didn’t know why I did it. As I stood there dripping wet, I steeled myself for another almighty telling off so I was a little confused when I didn’t get one. Instead, Nanny Linda was kind, concerned even.
‘What are you like? Well, we better get you cleaned up before your mum sees you. Here,’ she said taking my hand, ‘Let’s pop you in the bath before she gets home.’
My shoes made a horrible squelching sound as I walked along the grass and back towards the house. Dirty green water rose and spilled over the sides of them with every step I took. I was cold but relieved that Nana wasn’t cross with me. I even caught her smiling which baffled me.
‘You’re a bloody mare, you are!’ she chuckled.
I didn’t know what the word ‘mare’ was but it stuck inside my head. For the rest of the day, I wondered what it meant. It wasn’t until I was older that I realised she’d meant I was a nightmare. She was right, I was.
‘Are you going to tell Mum?’ I asked my eyes wide with worry.
‘No,’ she replied. ‘I’m not. Now take those wet clothes off and hop in the bath.’
As I stepped into the bath I turned to face her.
‘Whatever you do, don’t tell your mum you fell in the fishpond,’ she whispered.
I shook my head. I wouldn’t tell Mum or anyone else. Lauren had seen of course, but Nana told me not to worry because she’d speak to her. She put a finger to her lips as if it was our secret.
‘I won’t tell anyone,’ she insisted.
And she didn’t. Even though I jumped the pond another five times after that day, true to her word, Nanny Linda never told a soul.
IT HAD BEEN Dad’s idea to take us all out for a meal.
‘That’ll be nice,’ Mum agreed as she sent us upstairs to get changed.
It was a large, traditional family pub which looked just like a country cottage from the outside. It was nice and homely inside with plush red velvet seats, a dark red carpet and lines of neat wooden tables. Pretend candle-style lampshades hung from the walls gently lighting each table booth. The place was packed because it was a Saturday night, but Dad had insisted we go because he wanted to treat us, even Nanny Linda. As soon as we walked in we were herded over to a special rope barrier until a waitress showed us to our table. I was really excited because back then going out for a meal was a pretty expensive thing to do. Moments later, we sat down. The laminated menu felt huge in my hands as my eyes scanned it, trying to read all the stuff. There were lots of things to choose from but I was a typical kid and all I wanted was something plain and simple, so I chose burger and chips. Dad placed our order adding a huge starter platter for everyone to share. As soon as it arrived my eyes widened because it was crammed with everything from chicken wings to potato skins and sour cream – I’d never seen so much food. Mum leaned across the table, picked up mine and Lauren’s plates and placed a few things on each. I’d always had a small appetite and the starter filled me up quickly so, when I saw the waitress approach with my main meal I was worried how I’d manage it all.
‘Ooh, yours looks good,’ Lauren commented as the waitress placed the plate in front of me.
As I stared at it, my stomach cramped and knotted. There were too many chips and the burger was so massive I wondered how I’d eat it all. Just the thought of it inside my mouth made me feel queasy. Picking up a bottle of tomato ketchup, I poured some on my plate but as soon as I picked up my fork, I started to feel really self-conscious, as though everyone inside the pub was watching. I glanced down at my plate. The burger looked nice enough but I was worried how I’d fit it in inside my mouth.
What if all the insides come spurting out across my chin? I thought randomly. My body shuddered as the image whirred around inside my head.
It’d look horrible and disgusting. I’d look disgusting and everyone would see.
Suddenly, I’d lost my appetite – now I felt sick with nerves. I put my fork down and stole a quick glance.
Was anyone watching?
Of course, no one was but it wasn’t enough to calm my fear.
They’ll all watch me try to eat this and I’ll look really ugly. Everyone here will think how ugly I look.
I was thankful there wasn’t a mirror nearby because I didn’t want to catch a glimpse of myself trying to eat. My stomach felt all knotted up inside and my mouth was bone dry. The burger didn’t even feel like food anymore, just a huge mountain I’d have to climb. I looked at it but I didn’t feel hungry, I just felt frightened.
The burger is so big that if I put in my mouth, it’ll just spill out everywhere.
My throat seized up as if something was slowly squeezing the life out of me. Panic set in as my pulse began to race. I wiped my hands against my dress, they felt clammy too. I tried not to imagine myself eating but I couldn’t help it. I’d look horrible – with my face contorted and greedy – even the thought of it made me feel sick. My breath became shallow and laboured as the room started to swim. The sudden dizziness combined with hot smells from other people’s food hit my nostrils and made my stomach turn but I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to spoil the big night out. Mum looked up, she realised I wasn’t eating and asked if something was wrong.
‘No,’ I lied, straightening up in my seat.
But everything was wrong. I tried to act normal. I picked up my fork and stabbed randomly at a chip but it took all the strength I had just to lift it up towards my mouth. I had to take a bite but something was stopping me, like an invisible force. My eyes anxiously darted around to check if anyone was watching. I expected to find the whole restaurant staring straight back at me, but no one was because they were far too busy chatting and eating. Even though I knew it was crazy, the fear refused to go away. Seconds later, my heart quickened and started to race as I tried my best to take a bite. I had to do it – I had to eat something before someone noticed. I saw Lauren tucking into her dinner and felt envious.