Chloe Sims - The Only Way is Up - My Story. Chloe Sims
all dressed up and go round the bars and clubs. It was amazing – I loved it over there. The weather was boiling, the beaches were gorgeous and the bars and clubs were great.
I had such a good time and we all said we would definitely do it again – I didn’t know then that this would be my last girls’ holiday for seven years!
I missed Matthew and I had a niggling worry at the back of my mind that, because I’d come away when he was so against it, maybe he would go off with someone else. I rang him every day while we were away and, because I missed him, I decided that must have meant I liked him more than I had first thought.
When I got back from Ayia Napa, things with Matthew soon became serious, even though I still wasn’t 100 per cent sure about him. It was weird – he was good-looking, funny, had a decent job, hung around with a cool crowd – there was no reason not to like him, but there was just something missing. When I look back now, it wasn’t right from the start, but everyone else being so positive about him meant that I didn’t acknowledge it.
I was a free spirit and I enjoyed working in the pub, flirting with all the customers. It really suited me, but Matthew hated it; he didn’t like me chatting to other men and, as such, we had a volatile relationship. He had a real temper and used to shout and swear – he would kick off at the slightest thing and go mental. The first time, it really shocked me, he was swearing every other word – my dad never ever swore in front of me because he is old-fashioned like that – and I’d never heard swearing in anger like that before.
He would always apologise afterwards, saying how sorry he was, so I’d forgive him. After only a month of being together, he moved in with me and I became reliant on him. I couldn’t drive – I’d had the ten lessons my dad bought me and I was absolutely rubbish so was nowhere near passing my test – and I had hardly any money. The flat we lived in was damp and cold, and neither of us really liked it there.
Then Matthew stopped working so we were really skint and were forced to move in with his mum and dad, Joan and Brian, in Poplar. I got on really well with them and we all became close, but living with your boyfriend’s parents is never ideal. I should have been going out, enjoying myself but instead I was either at work or at home with my boyfriend’s mum and dad!
Although I liked working in the pub, the money was rubbish and if we were ever going to move out of Matthew’s mum and dad’s, I needed a better wage. As a result, I got myself a job at House of Fraser in Victoria, selling make-up and perfume. I hated it. Again, I was faced with the long commute into London and I hated doing other people’s make-up – I didn’t like touching their faces.
I felt like I was trapped – as much as I liked Matthew’s parents, it was hard all living together and we used to have almighty rows. We would literally be screaming at each other and he would shout insults at me. He was jealous of my relationship with Danny, and he used to say horrible things and call me flat-chested, which he knew really got to me.
We had an explosive relationship – I would scream and shout just as much as Matthew. I know it bothered his mum especially – it can’t have been nice for her to have us yelling at each other all the time. Things weren’t going great; I didn’t want to be living there and I knew they didn’t really want us there, but we didn’t have any money to move out.
Then, when I was still only 19, the worst thing I could have imagined happened: I fell pregnant. It was awful. I’d been a bit rubbish at remembering to take my Pill and then I started feeling really ill and missed my period. I couldn’t believe it; I was devastated. I went out in my lunch hour to buy a test because I needed to know. When I saw it was positive, I just sat in the toilets at work and cried.
I was lost; I didn’t have a clue what to do. How on earth could I even think about having a baby? I definitely didn’t want to keep it, but I didn’t dare think of getting rid of it either – I just wished I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t want to be pregnant; I wanted it all to go away. Deep down, I knew things weren’t right between Matthew and me, and having a baby was a terrible idea. I was so young, with so much left to achieve and I still dreamed of becoming a model.
I had to tell Matthew, but I was dreading it. I told him that night after work; that I’d made up my mind and I was having a termination. He told his mum and dad, but I didn’t tell anyone in my family. His mum and dad were really good about it; they respected the fact that it was our decision and they didn’t try to influence us either way. As much as they would have loved a grandchild, they knew how young I was. Matthew became really distant and the rows got even worse. He started going out more and more – he basically abandoned me and I couldn’t stand it, which meant we’d fight even more.
The day of the abortion came around quickly. Matthew took me to the place and just left me there. It was horrible, and I have tried to blank out all the details from my memory. I did my best not to think about it – I just wanted it to be over so I could try to forget it had ever happened.
When they said I was allowed to leave, I rang my Nanny Linda and told her what had happened; she told me to go back there. She was such an amazing woman I could tell her literally anything, and I knew she would never judge me. I got a taxi over there and I’ve never been so relieved to see her in all my life.
The next day, I decided I needed some company because I didn’t want to be on my own, thinking about what I’d done. So I went to meet my cousin Carly – I caught the train to Bethnal Green, where she lived. She wanted pie and mash, so we walked to Pellici’s on the Bethnal Green Road. It was quite a long walk and, looking back, I wasn’t up to it but I went anyway because I thought the fresh air would do me good. And I didn’t want to admit to myself that I didn’t feel right because I didn’t want to think about what I’d done; I needed to feel normal and pretend everything was OK.
When we got into the pie and mash place, I started feeling really unwell. I stumbled into the toilet and realised I had blood pouring out of me – there were literally clots the size of strawberries – and I didn’t know what to do. I could barely walk, I felt so weak and I remember calling out to Carly. I was saying, ‘Carly, I really don’t feel well,’ and she thought I was exaggerating. She was saying, ‘Don’t be daft, Chloe, come out of the toilet!’ I told her I couldn’t and I think then she realised something was seriously wrong. She phoned for a cab and somehow managed to get me into it and took me straight to the Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel.
I was haemorrhaging and it was horrific. They put me straight on a drip and I was really scared. I blamed myself for having the abortion and just wanted the whole thing to go away. I couldn’t get hold of Matthew so I rang his mum and dad and they came to see me. Matthew never came.
They kept me in hospital for a week; it was horrible in there. As if I hadn’t been through enough with the abortion, I had to have a scrape because they thought maybe there was something left inside me that had caused me to haemorrhage. Matthew’s mum and dad came and listened to me crying but Matthew still didn’t come, and, for that whole week I was in hospital, I didn’t hear from him. I was so upset; I really wanted him to be there. I couldn’t ring any of my family because I didn’t want them to know what had happened; I blamed myself constantly and I didn’t want other people knowing. Some days, I only had the nurses for company – luckily, they were really kind to me.
Finally, on the day I was being discharged, Matthew turned up to pick me up and take me home. He said he was really sorry. I remember him saying, ‘I know I’ve been a complete arsehole and I’m sorry. Please forgive me.’ He promised me things would be different and he’d sort himself out. We went back to his mum and dad’s for a while longer. He got himself a job then we eventually found a really lovely flat in Epping. For a while, things were good. We had money so we could go out for meals and do the stuff normal couples do. Although I wasn’t head over heels for Matthew, he was my best friend and we spent all our time together. We were really close, even though we fought all the time. Looking back now, it was more like a brother and sister relationship.
I got a job working at Chanel in the West End and I started working quite long hours. I had to keep myself busy – it was far easier to work all the time with less time to