Simple Truths of Life. Евгений Сергеевич Мешков
sit with my headphones on, listening to old music hits that I used to love to listen to on the radio, and reading something, or watching videos on my laptop.
Having become the admin in the English TV series group, I began to upload numerous seasons of various TV shows literally every day – some I watched and some I did not watch. People commented on the video and thanked me for the upload. I think that after many years of loneliness, ridicule behind my back and other negative things, all this joy, praise, and the illusion of communication with people that suddenly fell upon me intoxicated me. In addition, thanks to my new hobby, I could almost completely forget about all the problems that I had in my life.
Soon the group creator made me an administrator and in his other group for movies in English. As with the TV series, I started uploading films in English there so that other people could better learn the language as well.
Soon there were so many videos in both groups that it became hard to find them. Then I started to do navigation in both groups, so that people could find everything they needed by table of contents, genres, and other parameters. In addition to navigation, I made beautiful, in my opinion, icons for each of the TV series. To create them, I used a pirated version of one popular photo editor. I tried to use GIMP, but at that time it saved images in poorer quality than the paid counterpart.
After some time, there were so many TV shows that it became hard and time consuming to create icons in a photo editor, and then I decided to try to learn a programming language for Flash programs – ActionScript 3. The studying was easy for me, and soon I wrote a program that could do in a couple of mouse clicks exactly the same icons as the photo editor. I uploaded it to the group so that other people uploading the TV series could make their own navigational icons.
Soon after, the creator of those groups gave me the contact of his friend, for whom I eventually did my first freelance work, having received about 1200 rubles. Then it dawned on me that it was possible to work remotely without leaving home.
The groups themselves were very popular then, having several thousand members in each. In general, everything was fine, at least I thought so. From time to time I had to delete messages with obscenities and ban spammers. There were other admins in the groups, but they literally did nothing at all, and as a result I was very exhausted by this “hobby” which became almost an unpaid job for me.
The people in the groups only spoke in English, and I tried to engage in dialogue outside of the comments on the videos. I remember how one sobering incident happened when I went into a discussion where people were leaving their opinions about the photograph of a person in front of them. I left a nice message about the photo of the person who left the last comment. The following comment after mine was: – “gloomy man”. It was very unpleasant for me to read this comment. I liked the photo I took with the camera of my phone. I made it specifically so that my hair hid the balding areas of my head, but my mental state was not hidden in that black and white photograph. Before that, I had an old photograph where I was about fourteen years old, when I still had no scar on my lip, and I was still beautiful and with full, slightly curled, hair.
It is a fact that because of that photo beautiful young girls added me to the friend list and asked me if the photo was mine. And one of them, the only one with whom I was having a conversation on Myspace, openly called me beautiful. That girl was from India. She was a little older than me. She found me in a group dedicated to the TV series “The X-Files”. I do not know why, just as I do not remember how, but in the course of our different conversations she said that she was a virgin. Among other things, I told her about Thiaoouba and about many other things that I mentioned in this book. We corresponded in English, and the conversation was not always easy because we both did not speak the language perfectly. I knew that she had another friend on Myspace who did not need to use old photographs to show everyone his beauty. The girl herself never gave me any pictures of her.
From the groups English films and English TV shows on “ВКонтакте”, a girl Ira and her friend on the network who, as it turned out, lived on a nearby street from me, also added me to the friend list. In the process of correspondence with me, Ira wanted to meet with me and with her friend. Then I became uncomfortable because of my appearance and my lip. I began to think that she might not like me, or that something even more terrible would happen, and because of the fear that had formed, I began to refuse to go to the meeting and I did not go anywhere. And could I go anywhere anyway with my serious health problems? Then I almost never left my house, lying in bed almost all day.
There were times when life forced me to urgently put my attention in order. For example, the time when my recently filled front tooth started aching too much. That year I had to fill eighteen teeth at a free city clinic, and the caries in that single tooth was not completely removed. Despite the terrible constant aching pain, I was able to be fully concentrated, which allowed my body and minds to relax and I was again completely healthy. The dentist cleaned the canals and filled the tooth, which only occasionally reminded of itself since then. But I remember how dental filling crushed my sense of sexuality; I felt “damaged”, which for some time affected my self-confidence and desire to seek relationships with girls.
This was another moment when I had yet another proof that psychology, and not masturbation, affects my health – which, of course, does not make masturbation the right thing. But we are only interested in facts, and they say that it was my displeasure and indignation that overwhelmed me every time after masturbating in porn videos, were the main (but not the only) reason for my poor physical condition. I still could not help but masturbate after abstinence for several days, as thoughts about sex did not give me rest. I often motivated this by the thought that I just would not think badly of myself when I do my thing. But each time my mood fell significantly, and I blamed myself for my weakness, and my calmed heart began pounding again, which forced me to sit at home again.
There was another case that occurred in the fall of another year, when I decided to go out for a walk with a trembling heart. As it often happened at that time, I walked along the streets, but I hardly paid any attention to the environment, blaming myself in my head for all the mistakes I made. In the middle of Preobrazhenskiy Val street, not far from the Semenovskaya metro station, I felt unwell, and I began to panic greatly. I was very far from home – almost three times further than when I felt unwell on Boytsovaya Street. I stopped at the railway line and began to focus on things happening around me – the sound of car engines, the talk of passers-by, the views that surround me and the feeling of cold air blowing around my face – all that was reality around me. The result? I was completely healthy again, and instead of going back home I calmly walked on and turned onto Tkatskaya Street. I think that this was exactly the day when I was returning home along Borisovskaya Street, and along the very railway at the other passage of which I had to urgently put my mind in order, I first saw a passing train. Why am I mentioning this? I can only say that there is such thing as “synchronicity”, which more than once will play a role in my life.
Thus, I had an unusual dream in which I was killed in a shootout in some American store. Then a light appeared in the sky and in a deep male voice said something about life and work as a train driver in another life, glimpses of which were shown in the dream. It was a strange dream, but I can see a certain symbolism in it.
Returning to my experience with social networks, in the end I began to devote more time to Facebook where on May 15, 2010 I joined the group “Thiaoouba Prophecy XP”, dedicated to the book of Michel Desmarquet.
Then I gave that Indian girl a link to my page, but she was not interested in Facebook.
I do not remember exactly what happened next, whether it was some strange misunderstanding due to our not-so-good knowledge of English, or something else happened, but I wrote the Indian girl a final message where I wrote about my thoughts regarding the arising misunderstanding. The impression from her messages was that she wanted to be my girlfriend, but because of the great distances and financial situation this was impossible, even if this impression turned out to be true. I wrote her about this.
I think that in any case I was thinking of deleting my page on Myspace, since there was nothing on that former social network that would keep me there except for that girl. After my message I went to her page where it became more than clear to me that she was telling everything to her other beautiful friend,