Dancing on Coffins. Black comedy. Yan Bratovich
n Coffins
Black comedy
Yan Bratovich
© Yan Bratovich, 2017
ISBN 978-5-4483-8889-7
Created with Ridero smart publishing system
EXT. MINNEAPOLIS – CITY ROAD – DAY
An old black JEEP with a coffin strapped to the roof makes its way down the road, following a stream of cars.
EXT. BANK – DAY
Coming out of the bank, a fat rat runs out onto the road, the Jeep closing in on it, running it over.
INT. JEEP – DAY
Four people sit. At the wheel, HAROLD HOFFMAN (31), tall and thin dressed in a long black overcoat; head of funeral home “HON”. On his neck hangs a thick silver chain with a tiny silver coffin pendant.
On the passenger side sits HITCH (22), an albino with a bitter face, dressed in a black shirt and a black suit.
In the back we see HAZONE (36) and HUMPBACKED SILLY (38). HAZONE, a typical skin headed goon in a black polo neck and jacket holding a shovel, ready to dig a grave. HUMPBACKED SILLY, is literally a humpbacked man with a silly look on his face, disheveled hair, dressed in a black vest and old grey sweater.
HITCH
We squashed that rat!
HAROLD HOFFMAN
(One bank rat is more, one has is less. What’s the odd? These bank rats are bloodsuckers and they will be worse than us. Believe me.)
HOFFMAN lights a up a brown cigarette.
HITCH
(to Hoffman)
Harry, what are we carrying this woman in the coffin for?
HAROLD HOFFMAN
The client hasn’t paid. He came, threw his dead wife in the coffin, and took off.
Hitch laughs loudly and hysterically. HOFFMAN smiles.
HITCH
And now it’s on our head?
HAROLD HOFFMAN
Yes.
HITCH
So why are we dragging it around? We could have left it at the office!
HAROLD HOFFMAN
Because his time has run up, and I’ve used the last number he’s called me from to track him down. We’re going to his house to return her.
HITCH
(Laughing)
I can’t wait to see the look on his face!
HAROLD HOFFMAN
(Oh yes. So… deathburger for everyone.
(Laughs)
Do not twitch and listen to me.)
HITCH
Can we stop for some smokes first?
HAROLD HOFFMAN
Sure. There’s a shop near the bus stop. I’ll pull over.
EXT. BUS STOP – DAY
Hoffman brakes sharply near the stop and the coffin goes flying off the roof of the Jeep and rams into the people standing at the stop. As inertia would have it; the dead woman goes flying out of the coffin too, people start screaming frantically.
THE ELDERLY WOMAN
A mummy!
INT. THE BLACK JEEP – DAY
Hoffman and Hitch look to one another.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
Looks like our dead lady has jumped out to touch someone. Hitch, get out and calm people down!
HITCH
Oh shit!
Hitch exits the car.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
Hazone, Silly, get out and get that coffin back on the roof!
HAZONE
Yes Sir.
(looks to Silly)
Let’s go!
EXT. BUS STOP – DAY
Hitch is helping people get up after the coffin has knocked them over.
HITCH
Forgive us, please, we are so sorry. The madam has been trying to escape her death it seems. We’ll just collect her and be on our way. So sorry everyone.
THE ELDERLY WOMAN
You are not Christians! What the hell are you doing you gangsters! Do you have no conscience?
HAZONE and Silly push people out of the way, scoop up the dead woman and place her back in the coffin, and strap the coffin back onto the roof while Hitch keeps trying to keep people calm while taking out a black trinket in the form of a coffin out of his jacket pocket.
HITCH
Ladies and gentlemen, excuse us for the inconvenience. Here… take our business card.
(hands the old woman a business card)
We’ve got fresh cedar coffins at a great price.
THE ELDERLY WOMAN
(rips the business card)
Damn you and your Cedar Coffins!
Hitch turns around and looks on the Hazone and Silly.
HITCH
Let’s get out of here before they tear us to pieces!
Hitch, Hazone and Silly get back in the car. Hoffman presses on the gas, and the car quickly darts off.
INT. THE BLACK JEEP – DAY
Hoffman gains speed. Hitch scratches his forehead nervously.
HITCH
Bad shit…
HAROLD HOFFMAN
Who made this poorly constructed coffin?
Silence. Hoffman turns around and looks at Silly.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
Silly, was it you?
Humpbacked Silly nods. Hoffman turns away from see a sign on the road, and begins to laugh like a madman. Hitch follows.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
Has correctly made, Sily. Though had a good time. And that they there stood, like a sleepy flies. But next time do not do. We create bad advertising to ourselves.
Hoffman laughs, gets from a pack a brown cigarette and lights.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
By the way, let talk about advertising. What about advertising?
HITCH
We have billboard and business cards. So there’s something…
HAROLD HOFFMAN
But that’s not present enough.
HITCH
No, it’s not.
HOFFMAN tightens up and places a finger over his chin in deep thought.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
I wanted to talk to you guys for a while. All of you perfectly well know what