Dancing on Coffins. Black comedy. Yan Bratovich
SHWETNER
Yes, darling?
INT. INSURANCE COMPANY – OFFICE – DAY
CHRISTIAN (27) sits at a big black table – a strong, attractive type in a blue shirt and with a tie. He holds his cell in one hand, and types on his laptop with the other.
CHRISTIAN
Julia? Greetings darling.
(smiling)
I do disturbing you?
JULIA SHWEETNER (O.S)
No, I just finished my set.
CHRISTIAN
I’ve missed you, and your voice. Are you at work?
JULIA SHWEETNER (O.S)
We’re reporting on the Mall of America now, and I have a class tonight that will probably go till late. I’m so sorry.
CHRISTIAN
Call me when you’re done, I would love to pick you up. My beautiful lady shouldn’t have to travel home alone at night.
Christian takes a swig of his juice sitting on the table.
JULIA SHWEETNER (O.S)
Oh, Christian, you’re amazing. What would I do without you?
CHRISTIAN
You know, our anniversary of when we first met is coming up – January 14th. There’s a great little Italian place I’d love to take you to; romantic music, good food.
JULIA SHWEETNER (O.S)
Oh, Christian! Of course I would love to go!
CHRISTIAN
Perfect. See you soon.
JULIA SHWEETNER (O.S)
Kisses.
CHRISTIAN
You too! Bye.
JULIA SHWEETNER (O.S)
Bye-bye.
EXT. MALL OF AMERICA – DAY
Julia hangs up and put her hair up.
BOBBY
Well, looks like he calls you everyday.
Julia looks to him with confusion.
JULIA SHWEETNER
It’s love Bobby.
BOBBY
If I were the boss of an insurance company, you would fall in love with me?
JULIA SHWEETNER
(laughing)
Bobby, you’ll always come first. You’re my best friend. Now let’s grab that coffee.
BOBBY
Ok.
Bobby collects their things and walks into the mall with Julia.
INT. MALL OF AMERICA – DAY
As they walk through the mall together…
JULIA SHWEETNER
These attractions are incredible, and so well planned out. Just about anybody can come here, couples, children. It’s really made for everyone.
BOBBY
You and Christian would have a great time here! You could spend a whole day here from dusk to dawn.
JULIA SHWEETNER
And while that would be fun, we also don’t need that many distractions. The main thing about him is that he’s a good man and we can enjoy each other just about anywhere.
BOBBY
That’s true…
Bobby and Julia reach the centre of the mall. Near a complex we see girls walking with the big bags. The girls photograph each and laugh.
Bobby and Julia show the security guards media passes go and inside.
EXT. MINNEAPOLIS – FUNERAL HOME “HON” – EVENING
The two-storied building of the funeral home sits beside a cemetery surrounded by old ugly trees.
INT. FUNERAL HOME “HON” – HAROLD’S HOFFMANS ROOM – EVENING
Harold Hoffman approaches an open window and lights up. Hitch sits at the management table. Opposite of Hitch sits Silly. Hitch writes something on a piece of paper. Hoffman looks out the window and blinks.
EXT. MINNEAPOLIS – THE BOUTIQUE OPPOSITE TO THE BUILDING OF FUNERAL HOME “HON” – EVENING
It’s twilight. Hoffman looks into the window of the boutique and sees ten dead women wander around the boutique. Some of them lean against the show-window as if trying to consider trying on the clothes on the mannequins. Hoffman takes a long fowling piece, and quickly aims and shoots at one of dead women. The dead woman twitches slightly, but remains standing.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
Do you know what differs a Zombie from a normal person?
HITCH
What?
HAROLD HOFFMAN
A normal person truly believes their actions cannot be foreseen.
HITCH
Exactly. These zombies have already got me – seriously. This is the third boutique change in a year. These zombies do this every night. I don’t know that to do with them. They should be in tombs.
Hoffman stands with a gun in the corner.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
They have only one target. During their lifetime they are materialistic, and even after their death they are the same. It’s like autopilot. Predictable, programmed.
HITCH
Robobabies.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
(squeaky)
Darling? Darling? Let’s buy a top, such a pretty top! So pretty! Let’s? Let’s buy a handbag! Let’s buy shoes, darling? Let’s? And let’s buy this, and let’s buy that!
(to the window, loudly)
Buy yourself a soul bitch!
Hoffman spits on the window with contempt. Hazone enters the room, clasping his trousers.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
So? Was the bitch good?
HAZONE
Oh yeah!
They laugh.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
I’m warning you. You can get addicted to dead bitches.
(laughing)
Silly! Hurry up and get in her before she cools down and decays.
He claps loudly, forcing Silly to think faster. Humpbacked Silly runs out from a room. The rest laugh.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
All right! Now shut up and put your thinking caps on. What about slogans?
Hitch gives to Harold a piece of paper with any literary trash on it.
HITCH
Well here… take it!
Hoffman