Dancing on Coffins. Black comedy. Yan Bratovich
present moment. Money too. I suggest you to make jerk. Make jerk together with me.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
All of you perfectly well know that recently people live longer and almost never die.
They go to fitness facilities, pools, get health treatments, get massages, and so on. They love life and revel in health and happiness that it enrages me! They live forever when they should by lying in our coffins, in our eternal tombs! Original advertising and many corpses are necessary to our survival as business!
HAZONE
Wow!
HITCH
(cheerfully)
Harry, are you serious?
HAROLD HOFFMAN
I’m very serious.
HITCH
But for advertising, especially creative advertising, we need money! We need to pay for ideas, videos, and displays. And what about dead bodies… Shit! How are you going to get bodies?
HAROLD HOFFMAN
Right now we have enough to pay for basic local advertising. From there, we can think of our own advertising. It’ll be so good that people will practically start jumping into coffins.
HITCH
And bodies? Where you will get them, Harry? You can’t get those.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
I’ve thought that over too, and I need your help. By means of our imagination we will create bodies. We will raise the general death toll in the city!
HITCH
The general deaths toll Harry? And how do you propose we do that?
HAROLD HOFFMAN
Well, many funeral homes are now closed. They’ve collapsed. This fucking healthy way of life has left them without work. That leaves us room to become the leading business in this industry.
(beat)
Well? Are you with me?
HITCH
Courageous idea. But whether it will turn out or not…
HAROLD HOFFMAN
Only the courageous take the main prize. Or do you want to stretch out your pathetic beggarly existence further? Huh? Trust me. Just trust me – and you will live in own houses, buy fresh meat, and not have to cut off pieces of corpses from hunger. And you’ll have real women – the live and mobile kind.
HITCH
(nodding)
You are right. Well, I’m in.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
How about you Hazone?
HAZONE
I’m in. and Silly too.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
Great.
Hitch quickens.
HITCH
When do we get started?
HAROLD HOFFMAN
As soon as we come up with the money today.
Suddenly, the boys hear knocking on the car roof.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
(hysterically)
Shit! This bitch on the roof is knocking! Hazone!
HAZONE
What?
HAROLD HOFFMAN
You fancy this lady in the coffin?
Hazone lewdly licks his lips.
HAZONE
Yes. Very much. She’s as beautiful as plastic flowers.
Hoffman nervously finishes smoking his cigarette and throws the stub out the window.
HAROLD HOFFMAN
Well, then let’s go back to the office. To hell with her! Let Hazone have a good time with her. This home delivery isn’t doing it for me. Our new stage in life begins now and we should waste our time on trifles.
Hoffman switches car gears and takes off abruptly.
EXT. “MALL OF AMERICA” – DAY
With a microphone in one hand stands a TV reporter JULIA SHWEETNER (25), a blue-eyed girl with curly dirty blonde hair, dressed in an expensive grey coat and a fashionable green scarf wrapped around her neck.
JULIA SHWEETNER
How do I look Bobby?
In front of her, BOBBY (27) the camera operator, an unshaven guy in a red jacket stands with the camera on and strap around his shoulder.
BOBBY
Smile. Exude happiness. Be positive.
Julia smiles.
JULIA SHWEETNER
I don’t pretend to be happy Bobby, I am happy.
Julia smiles timidly and her eyes sparkle. She looks to her watch.
JULIA SHWEETNER
Okay, let’s get this show on the road. Out the text up.
Bobby lifts a sheet of paper for her to read off of, and holds it near the camera.
JULIA SHWEETNER
The new MALL OF AMERICA will be opening tonight; and it will be noted as the architectural decision of the decade. The lights, and streaming water fixtures are very beautiful and unusual to the typically mundane environment of our city – this hi-tech shopping centre certainly brings a work of art to our landscape. All profits earned from the first couple of days within the mall’s opening will go to charities for sick children.
Bobby gives her a thumbs-up.
JULIA SHWEETNER
As organizers speak, there will be no problems with parking at the opening, and many have been signed on to VIP-parking. Mall attractions include the “Big wheel” and a Falling Tower. An attraction called “The Web stealing a brain”, amongst others. There will also be a 5D cinema and skating rink.
Julia lowers her microphone.
BOBBY
Looks good Julia!
Bobby lowers the camera.
JULIA SHWEETNER
Was it really?
BOBBY
Perfect.
Julia smiles.
JULIA SHWEETNER
Don’t flatter me. I want honesty, I’m still new to this you know.
BOBBY
I told you – it’s perfect. We needed to edit the opening though.
JULIA SHWEETNER
How long till the final product?
BOBBY
(looks to his watch)
About two hours.
JULIA SHWEETNER
Let’s grab a coffee then.
BOBBY
Sounds good. I could use something hot myself.
Julia’s