Anger Management For Dummies. W. Doyle Gentry
anger may express itself in negative attitudes – pessimism, cynicism, hopelessness, bitterness, and stubbornness – or some form of avoidance behavior (giving people the silent treatment), oppositional behavior (“I don’t think so!”), or passive-aggressive behavior (“I’m sorry – did you want something?”). Anger may also sour your mood and leave you feeling down or depressed. You suddenly lose the enthusiasm you had previously.
Dr. Paul Ekman developed a list of seven primary emotions seen in all cultures around the world. Table 1-1 lists these emotions and some of the ways they express themselves.
Table 1-1 The Seven Primary Emotions
Alexithymics – People without feelings
Alexithymia is a word used to describe people who appear to lack emotions – including anger. Alexithymia is thought to be a fairly stable personality trait but isn’t a formal, psychological diagnosis in and of itself. Alexithymics tend to
✔ Have difficulty identifying different types of feelings
✔ Appear stiff and wooden in relating to others
✔ Lack emotional awareness
✔ Lack enjoyment
✔ Have trouble distinguishing between emotions and bodily feelings
✔ Appear overly logical when it comes to decision making
✔ Lack sympathy for others
✔ Appear perplexed by other people’s emotions
✔ Be unmoved by art, literature, and music
✔ Have few, if any, emotional memories (for example, memories of childhood)
We don’t suggest disconnecting from your feelings to manage your anger. You want to have emotions but you want to be in control of those emotions. You want to let anger move you to write a letter to the editor in your local newspaper about some social injustice. You want your anger to move you to stand up for yourself when your talents are being exploited in the workplace.
Anger that says to your spouse, “Hey, something is not working here” is good for a marriage. But if your anger only moves you to hurt others – or yourself – then you definitely have a problem. Think of anger as a tool that can help you throughout life if you know how to use it – and think of Anger Management For Dummies as a reference on how to use that tool.
Getting the Help You Need
Support comes in many forms. To manage your anger effectively, you need all the following kinds of support:
✔ Carefully selected family and friends: You need people who are behind you 100 percent, people who know about your problems with anger and are cheering you on as you figure out how to manage it.
✔ Informational support: You can have the best of intentions, but if you don’t have the information you need about anger and how to manage it, you won’t get far. Lucky for you, you’re holding all the information you need to get a handle on your anger in your hands.
✔ Self-help: Most communities have anger-management self-help groups and classes – these are usually published in the newspaper and on the Internet. Some religious organizations also sponsor such self-help groups.
✔ Professional help: People with anger-management problems generally don’t think of themselves as needing psychotherapy. However, a trained, licensed therapist, counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist usually has important skills that can help you turn away from anger. Therapy can help you identify your personal anger triggers, teach coping skills, and support you through the process. And therapists would gladly work with you on getting the most out of this book as well.
Chapter 2
Finding Your Anger Profile
In This Chapter
▶ Understanding the adaptive possibilities of anger
▶ Spotting your anger buttons
▶ Identifying how, when, and where you express anger
▶ Seeing problems that accompany anger
How do you know when you have an anger problem? Some people say that any time you get angry, that’s a problem. Others disagree, arguing that anger is never a problem as long as it communicates that something is wrong in your life.
Cheryl, Stan, and Amber all work for an engineering firm. They have annual reviews scheduled for this week. All three experience some anger but express it very differently.
Cheryl’s boss tells her that her work is amazing but that other staff members have complained about her frequent irritability. Cheryl feels her pulse rate increase and her face redden, “I can’t understand that; I never get angry with anyone,” she insists, “I get everything done for everyone and this is the thanks I get?”
Stan often expresses his anger at work by slamming doors and yelling. His boss tells him that his emotions are out of control. He recommends that Stan attend anger-management classes. Stan slams the performance review on his desk and shouts, “How the hell do you expect me to act when everyone around me is an incompetent fool?”
Amber’s boss gives her a solid review. He asks her whether she has any concerns or complaints. She hesitates for a moment and calmly remarks, “Actually, I am upset and even a bit angry that a couple of my colleagues suffer from anger problems that distract me and hurt our workgroup’s morale.”
Perhaps you can tell that Amber manages her anger effectively, whereas Cheryl and Stan have problems with anger. In this chapter, we take the mystery out of trying to decide who does and doesn’t have too much anger. We help you determine whether you have anger that needs managing. We explain how people express anger in different ways and review a few problems that all too often accompany anger. But before reviewing the nature of anger problems, we show you how anger isn’t always a bad thing.
Discovering When Anger Works
Typically, you associate anger with aggressive behavior or some other type of destructive outcome in your life. This is true only because no one has shown you how to use anger constructively. In this section, we illustrate the positive side of anger – the side that can be harnessed to resolve problems of everyday life, understand other people’s point of view, and minimize future conflict.
Emotions aren’t inherently good or bad. People have suffered heart attacks because of a joyful event, like being promoted, and they’ve suffered strokes when surprised by the unexpected news of a loved one’s death. Does this mean that you should avoid joy