Anger Management For Dummies. W. Doyle Gentry
how you express it – that makes it good or bad.
When people talk about anger, you’ll hear various terms and words tossed around. Here, we clarify the meaning of some of those terms:
✔ Anger is an emotion that includes high physical arousal, thoughts about threats, unfairness, injustice, intolerance, and unacceptable frustration. The emotion of anger may or may not be acted upon.
✔ Irritability is an overly sensitive emotional and physical state. When irritable, you easily get upset yet may not be fully aware of your emotions, thoughts, or feelings. Sometimes other people detect your irritability better than you can.
✔ Aggression is the intentional infliction of hurt or harm to people or objects. Not everyone who is aggressive feels anger. Some people engage in aggression because they actually like or feel pleasure from inflicting hurt. As you may suspect, these folks aren’t ideal candidates for anger management.
✔ Hostility refers to long-standing, chronic, negative attitudes and beliefs about others or certain types of situations. For example, a gang member may feel hostility toward everyone in another gang. Generally, hostility is somewhat more diffused and less focused than anger.
✔ Rage refers to out-of-control, especially intense levels of anger. Rage is almost always accompanied by an extremely high level of physiological arousal.
If you choose to use anger constructively, you’ll join the ranks of some pretty notable folks – George Washington, Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, Jesus Christ, Gandhi, and Mother Teresa. These people admittedly felt anger – about poverty, racial injustice, or occupation of their countries by foreign powers – but channeled their anger into constructive action that changed the world for the better.
In the following sections, we cover a few reasons you should consider making anger your ally in constructing a new healthier, happier, and more productive life.
Anger can be a built-in resource
People are born with a capacity for anger. Mothers recognize anger in newborns as early as 3 months of age. Babies express anger with loud crying and red faces to tell their caregivers they’re in distress – “Change my diaper!” or “Feed me!”
Anger isn’t something that has to be learned or earned, like money or friendship. It’s yours to experience as the need arises. Think of it as your birthright.
Ask yourself: Do I want to use this inner resource to reconstruct or ruin my life?
Anger can be invigorating
The e in emotion stands for “energy.” Anger produces an instantaneous surge of adrenaline, which causes your pupils to dilate, your heart to race, your blood pressure to elevate, and your breathing to accelerate. If you’re really angry, even the hairs on the back of your neck stand up! Your liver responds by releasing sugar, and blood shifts from your internal organs to your skeletal muscles, causing a generalized state of tension. You’re energized and ready for action. Remember, though, that emotions are short-lived – they come and go. So it’s imperative that you strike while the iron is (literally) hot, and use the angry energy to your benefit before it evaporates.
I know I’m alive when …
Some years ago, W. Doyle Gentry, PhD (author of the first edition of Anger Management For Dummies), conducted a workshop on anger management for mental health professionals. He started off by asking the audience to define anger. Some folks offered the usual, easy definitions: “It’s an emotion,” “It’s a feeling,” “It’s something that feels bad.”
But then one young woman came up with the most intriguing definition of all: “Anger is one way I know I’m alive.” She went on to say how refreshing emotions are because they disrupt the otherwise humdrum nature of daily life and for brief periods leave her feeling energized, full of vitality, alive.
Anger serves as a catalyst for new behavior
The motion part of emotion has to do with motivating behavior. If you’re like us, you want to change some things in your life. But you’re afraid, right? You’re uncertain about what will happen if you let go of the status quo and move your life in some new direction – maybe a new relationship or giving up an old one, leaving a toxic job, moving to a new city, or starting a new, healthier lifestyle (such as joining a gym, starting a diet, or giving up alcohol). So you do nothing – that is, until you get mad enough about the way things are that you spring into action.
Ask yourself: How can I renew my life through constructive anger?
No you’re not … or are you?
Sometimes you just need a kick in the pants. Charlie was having lunch with a friend and was telling her about the new, exciting venture he was planning to begin shortly to turn around his failing business. “I’m going to start the new business in about two months, and I’m counting on you to send me some clients,” he said. Her reply, without a moment’s hesitation, “No, you’re not.”
Charlie felt stunned and irritated. “Why do you say that?” he asked. “Because you’ve been talking about this new business for over a year now, and every time we have lunch it’s always going to start sometime in the next few months – but it never does. I think it’s a wonderful idea and, sure, I’d send you clients, but honestly, Charlie, you’re never going to do it. It’s just talk.”
Now Charlie was mad. He paid the check, mumbled some pleasantry, and went back to work. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized his friend was right. A year of talk hadn’t translated into action. Charlie decided right then and there – while he was still angry – that he would begin his new business within the next 30 days, and he did. The rest, as they say, is history. His new venture got off to a rousing start, and over the next ten years, he made almost a million dollars working part time – all thanks to his good friend who made him angry that day.
Note that Charlie’s friend used gentle confrontation and perhaps felt a little irritation with Charlie’s continued procrastination. Charlie felt significant anger, but he used it to help him focus and increase his motivation to do something positive.
Anger communicates
Anger tells the world just how miserable you are – how unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied, unexcited, and unloved you feel. Anger speaks the unspeakable! Think about the last time you verbally expressed anger. Do you remember what you said? Was it something like, “Get off my back,” “You don’t care about me,” “I’m tired of living hand to mouth,” or “I give, give, give, and I get nothing in return”? We’re sure others heard what you said, but did you? Did you listen to your anger – listen to what it’s telling you about what’s wrong with your life and what you need to do to begin correcting it?
Ask yourself: What is my anger telling me about me?
Anger can protect you from harm
Anger is a vital part of that built-in “fight-or-flight” response that helps you adapt to and survive life’s challenges. Anger is the fight component – the part that moves you to take offensive measures to defend yourself against actual or perceived threats.
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