Anger Management For Dummies. W. Doyle Gentry
behavior? Do you ever get angry and say to someone, “Hey, that’s uncalled for,” “Just stop right there – I’m not going to sit here and subject myself any longer to this abuse,” “You’re insulting my friend; stop it,” or “You may bully other people in this office, but you’re not going to bully me.” We hope so, because, otherwise, you may be well on your way to becoming a victim.
Ask yourself: How can I use my anger to defend myself in a positive way?
The secretary’s got it right
Joe loved to bully his employees. He had a daily ritual of calling someone into his office without warning, usually right as most people were leaving for the day – possibly, he did so because there’d be fewer witnesses at that time. Joe would tell his “victim” to have a seat and then immediately proceed to get red in the face with rage, come charging across the office, with his imposing figure standing over his helpless prey, at which point he’d harangue about all sorts of things he was displeased with for what seemed like an eternity. His employees dreaded the day when their name would be called.
Then one day, while several employees were preparing to leave, one of the secretaries was summoned to Joe’s office. Everyone felt badly for her, anticipating what was to come. But, before even five minutes had passed, she returned, looking unperturbed. “What happened?” they asked, “Why are you back so soon?”
“Well, it was just like everybody said it would be. As soon as I sat down, he came charging across the room and started yelling at me. So I stood up and started walking out the door, at which point he said, ‘Where do you think you’re going?’ I simply told him that no one had ever spoken to me like that in my entire life and I didn’t know how to respond, so I thought it best to leave until he calmed down. And here I am.”
Two days later, another person in that same office was called in and found himself being confronted by Joe. As soon as he started hollering, “I got mad but then immediately thought about the secretary,” the man said. “So I got up and started to walk out. He asked me where I thought I was going, and I gave him the same answer the secretary had. He stopped his ranting and calmly asked me to sit back down because he needed to talk with me about something important. I said, ‘Okay, as long as you don’t start hollering again.’” The two had a civil discussion after that.
Anger can serve as an antidote to impotence
Impotence – lacking in power and ability – feels lousy. And we’re not just talking about sexual impotence. We mean being impotent in how you deal with the world around you – your relationships, your job, your finances, your health, your weight, the loss of loved ones, and so on. You feel weak and inadequate, not up to the task at hand.
Then you get angry – and suddenly you’re infused with a sense of empowerment, a feeling of strength, confidence, and competence. You’re standing straight up to the frustrations and conflicts you’ve been avoiding. Anger, used properly, is a can-do emotion: “I can fix this problem,” “I can make a difference here,” and “I can be successful if I try.”
Constructive anger differs from destructive anger in a number of important ways, including the following:
✔ The anger has the purpose of fixing a problem or wrongdoing. For example, getting mad when a ballgame gets rained out isn’t particularly helpful, but feeling irritated then feeling motivated to come up with an alternative activity works.
✔ The anger is directed at the person responsible for the wrongdoing. If a salesperson treats you rudely when you ask for help but you ignore her rudeness and take your feelings out on the checkout person, your anger isn’t helpful.
✔ The anger response is reasonably proportional to the wrongdoing. For example, if your adolescent daughter rolls her eyes at you and makes a sarcastic remark, it’s appropriate to take away a couple of hours of her screen time. However, your response would be wildly disproportionate if you slapped her.
✔ The anger intends to stop problems and doesn’t seek revenge. This is a tough one for many people. For example, Patty’s husband revealed that he’d cheated on her off and on for almost ten years. If her anger leads her to leave the marriage and get counseling, she’s using it productively. On the other hand, if she devoted her life to harassing him and trying to turn her kids against him, she’d be seeking destructive revenge that would hurt her and her children as much as her husband. Not a good idea.
Identifying Your Anger Triggers
Knowing your anger triggers – the events and situations that make you mad – is important because you’ll respond more effectively to your anger when you feel prepared for it. Anticipating the possibility of anger increases your ability to express it more constructively. In this section, we explore common anger triggers.
Many people feel annoyed, irritated, or even enraged whenever something unfair happens to them. Unfortunately, unfair events occur to everyone and even fairly often. Here are a few common examples:
✔ Someone cuts in front of you at the movie theater line.
✔ A teacher gives you what seems clearly to be an unfair grade.
✔ Your boss gives you an inaccurate evaluation at work.
✔ A policeman gives you a ticket when you know you weren’t speeding.
Consider the example of what happened to Cameron (a 16-year-old we know):
Cameron was driving during a well-publicized traffic enforcement sweep in Albuquerque, New Mexico. The police pulled him over for allegedly failing to use his turn signal, which he insisted he had engaged properly. He was a sincere young man with high principles and a strong belief in fairness. Therefore, he argued with the policeman who promptly wrote a ticket and told him to tell it to the judge if he wanted.
Being a somewhat naïve citizen, Cameron went to court and argued strongly to the judge that he was in the right and that the policeman had unfairly targeted him for some reason. The judge sentenced him to 30 hours of community service and a $50 fine. Cameron spent the next few weekends collecting garbage in an orange vest alongside people who had committed more serious offenses.
Was Cameron’s sentence unfair? Probably. But Cameron concluded that sometimes it may just not be worth it to let his anger and desire for fairness override his common sense. Life simply isn’t always fair.
Today’s world is a busy place. People feel pressure to multitask and constantly increase their work output. But things inevitably get in the way of making progress. Examples of such interruptions include
✔ Leaving a bit late to work and running into a huge traffic snarl
✔ Running late for a plane and getting selected for extra screening by security
✔ Having family members or friends constantly text you while you’re working
✔ Having a contractor for your house project fail to show when you had set the whole morning aside to wait
✔ Being placed on hold for 45 minutes and then having your call suddenly disconnected
Are events like these frustrating? You bet. However, they happen to everyone, and they happen no matter what you do to prevent them.