Between Friends. Debbie Macomber
believe what a disaster tonight was. I swore to myself that if Buck showed up at the school dance, I wouldn’t talk to him. Sure enough, he was there. He’s everywhere lately. Last Sunday he sat in the pew behind me during Mass. He must be leaving work early because he’s parked outside the Academy most afternoons, waiting for me. Thank goodness Jillian’s been driving me home. Apparently he had words with my dad about the job, because he hasn’t been coming over to the house much. That helps. It’s been three weeks and I’ve managed to avoid him thus far. Still, he won’t leave me alone. No one knows how awful it is to keep looking over my shoulder, worrying and wondering if he’s following me.
Then he came to the school dance and it seemed everyone there was watching us. Jillian was with Scott or she would’ve helped me. I didn’t want to create a scene and I was afraid Buck was going to pick a fight with Roy Kloster, so I agreed to dance with him. It was awful, a slow dance by The Mamas and The Papas. Buck held me close, closer than I wanted, and he kept whispering in my ear how crazy he is about me and how he can’t sleep nights because he needs me so much.
I was proud of myself because I told him I don’t think we’re good for each other. It’s true. All we do is argue. We don’t view life the same way. When he drinks it’s like seeing my dad. I told Buck that, and he got mad. He said I was playing hard to get and there were plenty of other girls interested in him. That’s when I said those other girls were welcome to him and walked off the dance floor.
Buck left the dance in a huff, but waited for me outside the gym. When I didn’t come out soon enough to suit him, he found Mikey and sent him inside to get me. Buck threatened to yell until I agreed to come out and talk to him. I should never have done it, especially alone, but I couldn’t find Jillian and I didn’t want to involve Mikey or Susan in this. I could tell Buck had fortified his courage with beer. I realize now it would’ve been better to return immediately to the dance. Instead I tried to reason with him, but Buck was angry just like Dad gets angry and in no mood to listen. He wanted what he’s always wanted from me. Before I could stop him, Buck shoved me against the side of the school and kissed me. I tried to break free, but he tore open the front of my blouse and started mauling my breasts. I don’t know what would’ve happened if Father Morris hadn’t happened upon us. He told me to straighten my clothes and get back to the dance.
I don’t know what he said to Buck afterward. I don’t want to know. Father Morris. Ye gads, how am I going to look him in the face again? When I got home from the dance, I wanted to talk to Mom, but she’d had another fight with Dad and was trying to hide that she’d been crying. I sat with her while she talked about Star Trek, this new television series she likes. Mom has troubles enough of her own without listening to mine, so I didn’t tell her anything.
My life is awful. All I want to do is graduate and get away from home.
February 5, 1966
Jillian,
Be my Valentine. Meet me behind the snack booth after the hootenanny.
Nick Murphy
February 6th
Latin Class
Jillian,
You’re not going to do it, are you? What will Scott say? And Jillian—these verbs are impossible! I might as well give up and just accept that I’m going to get a C.
Lesley
Les,
Scott’s visiting the University of Oregon this weekend. He’ll never know. I haven’t decided if I’ll go or not.
And Lesley—I’ll help you with the verbs. We’re going to be co-valedictorians, remember?
Jillian
You’ve got that look in your eyes. You’re going to meet him, I can see it. Just promise me one thing. BE CAREFUL and for heaven’s sake, don’t let your parents find out about this!
Lesley
No one else knows. I promise I’ll give you a full report afterward.
Jillian
Jillian’s Diary
February 11, 1966
Nick Murphy has never lacked nerve—that’s for certain. My dad would have a conniption if he found out I was planning to meet Nick. My stomach was in knots the entire hootenanny even though we sang all my favorite songs: “Kum ba yah,” “Where Have All the Flowers Gone” and “If I Had a Hammer.”
Everyone was there…except Nick. I kept looking around for him and after a while I realized he’d stood me up. I’d agonized for days about whether I should meet him or not, and then Nick Murphy didn’t even have the common decency to show up.
After the hootenanny Cindy wanted me to drag the boulevard with her, but I made up some excuse and headed toward the parking lot, half expecting and desperately wanting to find Nick waiting for me. He wasn’t there, either. I’d been torn about meeting him behind Scott’s back, but Nick made the decision easy.
I was furious when I left the football field. Then I thought I might’ve gotten the day wrong or the time or something. Mostly I was disappointed and angry. How dare he! Just to be on the safe side, though, I decided to double back.
Sure enough, there he was, leaning against the snack booth, confident as anything. He had his motorcycle and looked so cool in his leather jacket. He smiled that sexy smile of his when I pulled into the parking lot. It was almost as if he knew I’d come back looking for him.
One thing I can’t tolerate is arrogance, and Nick’s got so much it’s practically coming out his ears. I almost drove away right then and there, but thank goodness I didn’t. Before I could tell him how mad I was, he reached for my hand, kissed it and asked if I’d be his Valentine. I must’ve looked terribly silly—I know I was confused. Somehow I managed to stutter that I wasn’t sure yet. He laughed. I should’ve told him Scott’s already given me a box of chocolates, but just then my steady was the last person on my mind.
We sat in the bleachers and Nick said he’d ended up having to close the station and that was why he’d been late. He said he was glad I’d come back. Then he talked about his family. He mentioned his dad some, but mostly he talked about his mother who died of cancer when he was ten and Jimmy was five. I wasn’t sure what I expected when he asked to meet me, but I didn’t think all we’d do was talk. That was exactly what we did. It was as though we’d been waiting all these months and we both had all this information stored up inside us that we had to get out first.
Later he gave me a ride around the field on the back of his motorcycle and I slid my arms around his waist and held on. I loved the feel of the wind in my hair and the smell of his leather jacket. Afterward, I was so hoping he’d kiss me, but he didn’t. He wanted to. I could tell by the way he kept looking at my lips. When we left, he followed me most of the way home to make sure I got there safely, which made me feel really good. Cherished. He didn’t ask to see me again, and that disappointed me.
Now that I’m home and in my room, I can’t sleep. This excited, happy feeling is keeping me awake. I knew I had to write it all down. I want to remember every last detail. I told Lesley I’d report back everything that happened, but I don’t know if I will. This is the first time I’ve kept anything from her. I know something’s happening in her life that she hasn’t told me about, and I understand that now. I like Nick so much I can hardly think of anything without him popping into my mind. My New Year’s resolution hasn’t been fulfilled yet, but I’m positive it’s going to happen. The only thing that remains a mystery is when Nick will kiss me. It’s no longer an if—he wants to kiss me as much as I want him to. I just hope it’s soon.
March 10th
Latin Class
Verb conjugations are so boring. Isn’t it great that the Beatles are coming to Seattle? I’d love to go to the movies with you on Saturday, but I can’t. My mom needs me to help around the house with spring-cleaning. What’s Charade about, anyway? I think Cary Grant is so handsome! If Sister Angelica finds this note, we’re both