.
to his eyes and I wanted to believe him. Then, when we got in his car, we started kissing. Before I realized what he was planning to do, he had his hand up my dress. I could see he was getting excited and I immediately put an end to our necking. Buck got mad and what he said made me feel kind of guilty. He kept saying how crazy he is about me and how much he needs me. We ended up doing it again. I could’ve stopped him, but I didn’t. At least it didn’t hurt this time. When we finished I started crying. Buck didn’t understand why. I’m not sure I do, either, but I couldn’t make myself stop. I told him it would be better if we didn’t see each other again and he said it’s because I think I’m too good for him, just the way Dad claimed. He dropped me off at the house and then took off with his tires squealing.
Murphy’s Texaco Charge Slip
November 20, 1965
| Quantity | 9 gal | |
| Per Gallon | .309 | |
| Total | $2.78 | |
| Attendant: | Nick Murphy | |
| Signed: | Jillian Lawton |
Jillian’s Diary
December 14, 1965
I stopped at the Texaco station with a fruitcake for Mr. Murphy. He seemed surprised that a customer would remember him at Christmas and gave me an entire set of matching juice glasses. Jimmy knew I’d been collecting them whenever I filled up my tank and must have told his father. I was disappointed Nick wasn’t there.
Last week I saw him riding his motorcycle in front of Holy Name Academy and wondered if he was looking for me. I hope he was. My heart beat so fast when I saw him. He pumps my gas almost every time I come to the station now. Sometimes we talk, but he’s usually too busy to say more than hello.
Lesley warned me that I’m flirting with danger. She says Nick is dangerous. I see it in his eyes and the way he looks at me, as though I’m the only girl he’s ever wanted. Whenever he focuses on me, I can actually feel it. The air between us gets hot and heavy like it does before a big storm. This shivery feeling goes all through me and doesn’t stop for a long time afterward.
I’d be a fool to break it off with Scott. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to hurt Scott’s feelings, but I’m drawn to Nick the way a moth is to a flame. Scott has been a good boyfriend and I’m the envy of every girl at school. I know if I broke up with him, he wouldn’t have any trouble getting a new girlfriend. That makes me wonder if I should stop seeing him.
Nick has never asked me out, never called me at home. For the longest time I didn’t even think he remembered my name. The most he’s done is fill up my car with gas and flirt a little. I can’t hurt Scott over that. Not when he’s been so sweet and considerate.
Speaking of breaking up, I wish Lesley would dump Buck Knowles. He treats her terribly. At first it was exciting that Buck wanted to date Lesley. He recently turned twenty-two and no one else in class is dating anyone that much older. The fact that he’s so attracted to her tells us all that we’re no longer girls; we’re women now. But I don’t care how much older and more sophisticated Buck is. He doesn’t treat Lesley the same way he did when they first started seeing each other.
I don’t know what’s wrong with her lately, but she hasn’t been herself. She tells me she’s going to break up with Buck and then she never does. When I ask her about it, she always has some excuse for why she can’t. It’s like she’s caught in a trap and doesn’t know how to break free.
The whole world seems to be in turmoil. The war in Vietnam is heating up and there was a huge protest rally in Oakland. When I asked my dad about it, he said it was vital that we wipe out Communism. He thinks it’s a good idea for the United States to be involved in the war. My father is the smartest man I know. If he believes in this war, then I’ll do whatever I can to support it.
I finally figured out what I’m getting Mom for Christmas—a book. I know that sounds boring, but she enjoys reading and The Shoes of the Fisherman by Morris West is one I know she’d enjoy. Dad subtly dropped that hint, and I was grateful.
Les and I should be able to spend time together over Christmas break, and maybe then she can tell me what’s wrong, because something definitely is. I’ve been her best friend since first grade. I know her as well as she does herself. Whatever it is has to do with Buck, I’m convinced of that.
1966
January 3rd
Latin Class
Dear Jillian,
You want to know what my New Year’s resolution is? First and foremost it’s getting that scholarship from the Soroptimists. I want to be a nurse. Secondly, I’m going to break up with Buck. I mean it this time. Meet me after class.
Lesley
Latin Class
Les,
Where have I heard that before? I’ve got a dentist appointment after Latin. Call me tonight, okay?
Jillian
Jillian’s Diary
January 3, 1966
Today was the first day back at school following Christmas break, and it was hectic. Lesley and I had lunch together and we passed notes in Latin class. Sister Angelica is half-blind and hasn’t got a clue what’s going on behind her back. I’m so happy Lesley is breaking up with Buck. This time she sounds serious about it. I hope so.
She told me her resolution for this year, but I didn’t tell her mine. I haven’t told anyone. I can’t. I want Nick Murphy to kiss me. He’s so cute and he’s got that dangerous kind of sexiness. He even looks like trouble in his black leather jacket, riding his motorcycle. He makes me go all shaky every time I’m near him.
I know Mom and Dad would never let me date him. In their view, anyone who drives a motorcycle is part of a biker gang. I think Nick might’ve gotten into some sort of trouble with the law, too. Dad mentioned that he didn’t think I should gas up at the Texaco station anymore. I asked him why and he said those Murphys were hotheads. I didn’t dare show too much curiosity about that, but I’m paying cash for my gasoline these days instead of using credit.
One kiss is all I want and then I’ll be satisfied. Then I can go on with my life and he can continue with his. My curiosity will be satisfied and Scott need never know.
January 20, 1966
Dear Lesley,
You won’t answer my phone calls so I’m forced to write you a note and bribe your little sister into giving it to you. The least you can do is talk to me! How are we going to solve our problems if you refuse to have anything to do with me? I know you’re upset about what’s happened the last few times we went out. But you’ve got to understand, baby, that kind of frustration can lead to serious physical problems.
Can’t you tell I’m crazy about you? You’re the smartest girl I ever met and you go to that fancy Catholic girls’ school. I felt like the luckiest man alive when you said you’d date a high school dropout like me. I can’t let you go. You’re the most important thing in my life.
Are you going to the school dance Friday night after the basketball game? Your brother said he could find a way to sneak me into the gym. I’ll look for you there. Whatever’s wrong, I’ll make it right. You have my word on that.
Buck
Lesley’s Diary