.
both been waiting to see it for weeks. Now she has some hokey excuse about why she can’t go. I’m worried about her and I wish she’d talk to me.
Things aren’t right with Scott, either. Someone must have told him about Nick and me, because he’s been acting possessive and unreasonable lately. It all started when I told him I didn’t want to go to the Junior/Senior prom. He seems to think it’s a foregone conclusion that I’ll be his date. I probably should attend the dance with him, but I don’t think I can pretend to be his girl when my heart belongs to Nick.
Everything is so much worse since Scott’s been nominated for Prom King. I’m pleased for him, I really am. He deserves it and is a wonderful athlete, but now there’s all this pressure on me because I’m supposed to be his girlfriend. Scott can’t believe I’m turning down the opportunity to be Prom Queen.
I haven’t heard from Nick, either. It seems he took my suggestion that we not meet again seriously. I got tired of waiting for him to contact me and went to his dad’s gas station. As luck would have it, Nick was working the pumps. Other than asking if I wanted him to fill up my tank, he didn’t say one word.
Everyone’s treating me like I have the plague. First Lesley, then Scott. Even Nick’s mad at me. And I don’t know what I’ve done!
April 20, 1966
Dear Jillian,
I was your first fool and I sincerely doubt I’ll be your last. If you want to break up right before prom and graduation, then that’s just fine. There are plenty of other girls interested in going to the biggest dance of the year with me.
Since you weren’t inclined to explain this sudden change of heart, all I can say is goodbye. Thanks for the prompt return of my class ring.
Scott
May 1, 1966
My dearest Lesley,
It seems odd to be writing my own daughter a letter, but I know if I try to talk to you I’ll never get through this without crying. To say that your news was a surprise would be an understatement. How I wish you’d come to me months ago so we could’ve talked things out and decided what to do before dragging Buck and your father into it.
If you’d prepared me, I might’ve been able to break the news to your father more carefully. If you remember anything from tonight, please don’t let it be the terrible names he called you. He didn’t mean them. Not a one. He was upset and angry…you know how he gets after a few beers.
What I’m about to tell you now may come as a shock. Years ago your father and I found ourselves in exactly the same predicament. Yes, Lesley, I was pregnant with you when your dad and I married. You were born six months after the wedding. (One day, you would’ve checked the dates and figured it out on your own.) My father said those same hateful things to me. He threw me out of the house and said I was never to come back. I didn’t speak to either of my parents again until after you were born.
I didn’t want to get married—like you, I had my own dreams—but at the time it seemed best for all concerned. So often in the years since, I’ve wondered what my life would’ve been like had I taken a different path. I’ve worked hard to be a good wife and mother to you kids, but every now and then I look back on the girl I once was and remember the precious dreams I held so dear. I married so young, barely sixteen, and it seemed those dreams went up in smoke the minute your father slipped the wedding band on my finger. Little did I realize then that along with everything else you inherited from me—your blue eyes and blond hair—you’d be stuck with repeating my mistakes, too.
Look at my life, Lesley. Is this what you want for your future? Six kids and a husband who has a hard time holding down a job? A husband who has a harder time refusing a bottle. I look at Buck and I see your father all over again. It seems so clear to me now. You’re smart, just like I was back in high school. Don’t you know how proud I felt when you were invited to join the National Honor Society? Don’t throw away your dreams the same way I did!
Lesley, despite what your father insists, the thought of you marrying Buck leaves me shaking with fear. Look at me, sweetheart, because I’m terribly afraid that your future is my past. I’m pleading with you not to make the same mistakes I did. Think hard and long before you decide to marry Buck. I’ll deal with your father and do whatever I can to help you.
Love,
Mom
May 1st
Nick,
Meet me behind the snack booth on prom night.
Jillian
Lesley’s Diary
May 5, 1966
I felt my baby move for the first time and it surprised me so much that I stopped ironing and pressed my hand to my stomach. In the last few weeks, I thought that light fluttering might have been the baby, but there was no mistaking it this time.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. Mom wrote me a letter and said she was afraid I was making the same mistakes she did and urged me not to marry Buck. I wish I was stronger. Not physically but emotionally. Everyone’s pressuring me. Dad and Buck are adamant that marriage is the right thing. More and more, Buck acts like we’re already married. Just when I thought I could go away and have the baby in a home, I learned that Buck had enlisted in the Army—without any of the guarantees that will keep him out of Vietnam. He did it for the baby and me. He loves me, I know he does. I’m so afraid he’s going to end up fighting in that horrible war and all on my account.
So many people are against the war. There’s talk of a huge rally at the Washington Monument protesting our involvement. Now that Buck’s enlisted, I can’t turn my back on him. Even if I found the strength to go away to one of those homes, I’d never have the courage to give up my baby for adoption. But I can’t raise a child all by myself. Even though Mom would help me, there’s only so much she can do. I already know my dad’s thoughts on the subject. I feel like there’s no solution to this. Whatever I decide will bitterly disappoint one of my parents.
I finally told Jillian about the baby and she burst into tears. I wept, too, although I’ve long recovered from the shock. She’s sworn to secrecy. She knows if anyone at school ever found out, I wouldn’t be allowed to graduate. Like everyone else, Jillian wants to know what I plan to do, as though I had a limitless number of options. Dear God in heaven, how I wish I did! She broke up with Scott and although she didn’t say why, I knew it was over Nick Murphy. He’s all she thinks about.
Lately I’ve been listening to the radio, just lying on my bed and staring up at the ceiling. The Beatles have a song, “Eleanor Rigby.” I’m beginning to feel like the girl in that song. Susan comes in and talks to me and we cry together. If this was happening to her, she wouldn’t listen to either Buck or Dad. She’s always been stronger than me. I told her that, and she stunned me by crying. She said she’d drop out of school and get a job and support me and the baby if I asked her to. I couldn’t, but I love her all the more for offering. The other kids don’t know yet, although I’m sure Mike suspects. We don’t talk about it. We can’t.
I saw Mom talking to Father Morris on Friday. I think she was talking about Buck and me. If we do marry, I want it to be in the Church. If I have anything to be grateful for, it’s that my parents didn’t kick me out of the house the way Mom’s parents did to her.
Jillian’s Diary
May 15, 1966
Prom Night
This had to be one of the most incredibly romantic nights of my life. Nick was waiting for me when I arrived at the football field and he was dressed in a suit, complete with tie and shiny new shoes. I was in my prom dress.
I lied to Mom and Dad about meeting Scott at the prom. They seemed a little suspicious