Oscar Wilde: The Complete Works. Knowledge house
more like you. It would make life so much easier. Do you know, Mr. Hopper, dear Agatha and I are so much interested in Australia. It must be so pretty with all the dear little kangaroos flying about. Agatha has found it on the map. What a curious shape it is! Just like a large packing case. However, it is a very young country, isn’t it?
hopper
Wasn’t it made at the same time as the others, Duchess?
duchess of berwick
How clever you are, Mr. Hopper. You have a cleverness quite of your own. Now I mustn’t keep you.
hopper
But I should like to dance with Lady Agatha, Duchess.
duchess of berwick
Well, I hope she has a dance left. Have you a dance left, Agatha?
lady agatha
Yes, mamma.
duchess of berwick
The next one?
·41· lady agatha
Yes, mamma.
hopper
May I have the pleasure? [Lady Agatha bows.]
duchess of berwick
Mind you take great care of my little chatterbox, Mr. Hopper.
[Lady Agatha and Mr. Hopper pass into ball-room.]
[Enter Lord Windermere L.
lord windermere
Margaret, I want to speak to you.
lady windermere
In a moment. [The music stops.]
parker
Lord Augustus Lorton.
[Enter Lord Augustus.
lord augustus
Good evening, Lady Windermere.
duchess of berwick
Sir James, will you take me into the ball-room? Augustus has been dining with us to-night. I really have had quite enough of dear Augustus for the moment.
[Sir James Royston gives the Duchess his arm and escorts her into the ball-room.]
·42· parker
Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Bowden. Lord and Lady Paisley. Lord Darlington.
[These people enter as announced.
lord augustus
[Coming up to Lord Windermere.] Want to speak to you particularly, dear boy. I’m worn to a shadow. Know I don’t look it. None of us men do look what we really are. Demmed good thing, too. What I want to know is this. Who is she? Where does she come from? Why hasn’t she got any demmed relations? Demmed nuisance, relations! But they make one so demmed respectable.
lord windermere
You are talking of Mrs. Erlynne, I suppose? I only met her six months ago. Till then, I never knew of her existence.
lord augustus
You have seen a good deal of her since then.
lord windermere
[Coldly.] Yes, I have seen a good deal of her since then. I have just seen her.
lord augustus
Egad! the women are very down on her. I have been dining with Arabella this evening! By ·43· Jove! you should have heard what she said about Mrs. Erlynne. She didn’t leave a rag on her…. [Aside.] Berwick and I told her that didn’t matter much, as the lady in question must have an extremely fine figure. You should have seen Arabella’s expression! … But, look here, dear boy. I don’t know what to do about Mrs. Erlynne. Egad! I might be married to her; she treats me with such demmed indifference. She’s deuced clever, too! She explains everything. Egad! she explains you. She has got any amount of explanations for you—and all of them different.
lord windermere
No explanations are necessary about my friendship with Mrs. Erlynne.
lord augustus
Hem! Well, look here, dear old fellow. Do you think she will ever get into this demmed thing called Society? Would you introduce her to your wife? No use beating about the confounded bush. Would you do that?
lord windermere
Mrs. Erlynne is coming here to-night.
lord augustus
Your wife has sent her a card?
lord windermere
Mrs. Erlynne has received a card.
·44· lord augustus
Then she’s all right, dear boy. But why didn’t you tell me that before. [E: before?] It would have saved me a heap of worry and demmed misunderstandings!
[Lady Agatha and Mr. Hopper cross and exit on terrace L.U.E.
parker
Mr. Cecil Graham!
[Enter Mr. Cecil Graham.
cecil graham
[Bows to Lady Windermere, passes over and shakes hands with Lord Windermere.] Good evening, Arthur. Why don’t you ask me how I am? I like people to ask me how I am. It shows a wide-spread interest in my health. Now, to-night I am not at all well. Been dining with my people. Wonder why it is one’s people are always so tedious? My father would talk morality after dinner. I told him he was old enough to know better. But my experience is that as soon as people are old enough to know better, they don’t know anything at all. Hullo, Tuppy! Hear you’re going to be married again; thought you were tired of that game.
lord augustus
You’re excessively trivial, my dear boy, excessively trivial!
·45· cecil graham
By the way, Tuppy, which is it? Have you been twice married and once divorced, or twice divorced and once married? I say you’ve been twice divorced and once married. It seems so much more probable.
lord augustus
I have a very bad memory. I really don’t remember which. [Moves away R.]
lady plymdale
Lord Windermere, I’ve something most particular to ask you.
lord windermere
I am afraid—if you will excuse me—I must join my wife.
lady plymdale
Oh, you mustn’t dream of such a thing. It’s most dangerous now-a-days for a husband to pay any attention to his wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when they’re alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks like a happy married life. But I’ll tell you what it is at supper. [Moves towards door of ball-room.]
lord windermere
[C.] Margaret! I must speak to you.
·46· lady windermere
Will you hold my fan for me, Lord Darlington? Thanks. [Comes down to him.]
lord windermere
[Crossing to her.] Margaret, what you said before dinner was, of course, impossible?
lady windermere
That woman is not coming here to-night!
lord windermere
[R.C.] Mrs. Erlynne is coming here, and if you in any way annoy or wound her, you will bring shame