A Smart Girl's Guide: Friendship Troubles (Revised). Patti Kelley Criswell
injured his spine diving into shallow water at
a lake. He lost the use of his legs and had to learn to use a wheelchair.
Randy was two years older, and a big brother Lydia loved and admired.
His accident hit her hard—really hard.
Lydia felt so sad and scared that she hardly knew what to do. Sometimes
she shared these feelings with her parents, but she knew that they were
hurting, too. She didn’t want to add to their worries. So she carried her
grief to school and talked with her friends. Sometimes they listened,
but they didn’t say much. Lydia could see that her friends felt awkward.
It was like they just didn’t get it. After a while, she stopped talking about
her brother and pretended that everything was fine.
But it wasn’t fine. Lydia needed to feel close
to someone. She got clingy. She would try
to be involved in every conversation that
took place, be a part of everything that
was going on. She remembers, “I was totally
hyper—I was terrified of being left out!”
But that’s just what happened. Annoyed by
Lydia’s neediness, the other girls kicked her
out of the group. They even wrote a long
list of “annoying things about Lydia” and
gave it to her. So just when she thought
the situation couldn’t get any worse, it did.
What she did
Lydia was heartbroken. She spent more time at home, holding tight
to her family. She cried a lot. When she became, as she says, “mad as
all get-out,” she’d write songs and play them on the piano or the violin.
Music really helped.
After a few weeks, Lydia struck up a conversation with a girl named
Grace. Grace sat in the back of the classroom and kept mostly to her-
self. Lydia had hardly noticed her before. Now the two hit it off and
started to hang out together. Before long they were inseparable. Lydia
remembers, “Grace never got tired of me.” Lydia joked that Grace was
an “angel” sent to help. And Grace did help. She stuck it out with Lydia
during that whole awful time. When Lydia ranted and raved about
people who weren’t handicapped and who parked in the handicapped
spots, Grace listened. And when Lydia could do nothing but cry as she
watched her brother struggle, Grace was there. One day when Grace
knew Lydia was feeling really down, she showed up with two pink roses,
just to say she cared.
How it worked out
As Lydia’s family adjusted and accepted their new challenges, Lydia’s life
grew more stable. Today, Grace remains one of Lydia’s best friends. The
old group? Well, they eventually started being nice to Lydia again. She
gets along with them, but it will never be the same. She looks back now
and says, “They’re not bad people. They just had no idea what the true
meaning of friendship is, and I guess I didn’t, either.” But she does now.
She absolutely does.
respect
You’ve heard the word your whole life—at home, in school, everywhere:
respect. “Respect adults,” “Respect yourself,” “Respect the rules,” “Be
respectful,” and so on.
So what does respect have to do with friendship?
Everything.
Respect is what you offer
a friend because you
honor the friendship.
You could treat a friend rudely—nobody’s going to give you detention
or ground you if you do. But you choose not to do that. You want your
friend to know how much she means to you. Of all the things that can
bind two people together, respect may be the strongest.
Having respect for someone else means
• resisting the temptation to talk about your friend behind her back,
even when you’re angry.
• trusting that her intentions are good ones.
• believing her when she says she’s sorry.
• being happy for her even when you’re really jealous.
Showing a friend respect takes effort—but it’s worth it. With trust and
respect, you and your friend will have fewer problems, solve them more
easily, and enjoy each other a whole lot more.
The thing I look
for most in friends
is how open-minded
they are. I think it’s
important that my
friends can respect
me for who I am.
friendship
hot spots
So you’ve found a great friend. She has all the qualities you value most,
and in so many ways she’s perfect. That’s it. Right?
Uh-uh. It’s not that easy. Friendships need care every bit as much as that
flower in the garden needs water. Even the best of friends have problems
now and again. Maybe your feelings are hurt because your friend walked
home with someone else when you expected her to walk with you. Maybe
you’re annoyed because she calls ten times a night. Maybe you’re jealous
of her big success, or she’s jealous of yours. It isn’t as if your friendship is in
doubt, really, but things aren’t so wonderful, either.
You’ve hit a friendship hot spot. It’s probably not a big deal: a lot of
trouble comes from mistakes and miscommunication. But even a little
problem can rub and rub like a stone in your shoe until it makes a real
sore. The time to deal with it is now.