A Smart Girl's Guide: Friendship Troubles (Revised). Patti Kelley Criswell
best friends?
A best friend can be as comforting as a cup of hot cocoa on a cold
winter’s night. She listens, she keeps your secrets, and when you’re
together, it just feels right. You feel safe and secure knowing she’s
there when you need her.
But there may be times when having a best friend makes you feel tied
down. Do you always need to sit with her at the movies? Can you never
be partners with someone new? What if you want to be close with
another girl, too? Is that OK? What if your best friend feels angry or
jealous? What do you do?
Are best friends a good idea or a bad one?
It depends. For some girls, having a best friend feels like too much
pressure. For others, it’s the only way to go. If that’s you, here are two
things to remember.
One: Don’t get into a tight relationship with just anybody. If you can’t
be yourself with a girl, then proclaiming yourselves “best friends” isn’t a
good idea. It’s better to let your friendship grow for a while. If you want
to get closer, work on the little conflicts that come along. Let her know
what you enjoy about her friendship and what you would like to see
change.
Two: Even best friends aren’t best friends every single day. Friendships
are like a dance. You get close for a while, then you pull away, and then
you get close again. That’s normal. Keep talking to your friend when
you’re feeling more distant, but be sure you have other friends, too.
Never put all your energy into a single friendship. That way, if you and
your best friend aren’t doing well this week, you aren’t left out in the
cold. In the end, that means a lot less pressure on the friendship.
I like having a group of good
friends who all get along. That
way, no one is singled out as
being better than the others.
I think it’s OK to have a
best friend as long as you
have other friends, too.
I do have a best friend. I don’t
tell my other friends, though,
since I don’t want them to feel
left out.
left out
Just when you’ve found a friend you love spending time with, some other
girl comes along and—wham! Those two start hanging out all the time,
laughing at things you don’t think are funny and leaving you feeling sick
inside.
You’re left out, rejected, abandoned. It’s one of the world’s lousiest
feelings, but you’re not alone. Most girls feel left out at one
time or another. Your first impulse may be to blame the third girl
in the triangle. Don’t. Nobody ever wins the blame game—honestly. It
always does more harm than good. You may also feel like marching over
to your friend’s house and saying, “OK, pick. It’s her or me!” But what if
she doesn’t choose you? Anyway, YUCK. Is this what friendship is really
about?
Instead, talk to your friend. Let her know that you are feeling left out.
She may be able to reassure you with words or by spending more time
with you.
You should also ask yourself whether your friend is really shutting you
out or simply enjoying a new relationship. There’s no official limit on how
many friends a girl can have. Why act as if there were? There must be a
good reason your friend likes the new girl. Try to find out what it is. Give
her a chance. Maybe you can be friends with her, too. Remember that as
you grow and change, so will your friendships.
Of course, if your friend is truly ditching you, say, for the “popular”
crowd, that’s a different story. Try to play it cool. For now, spend time
with your other friends. Tell yourself that your relationship with your
good friend is changing—not ending, just changing. Her interest in the
new group may fade as she gets to know those girls better. She may end
up missing you and come back.
If she doesn’t, you’re going to hurt for a while—and sorely. But that time
will pass, and you can come out of this with your head high, knowing that
you were true to your friendship even if she wasn’t.
Prescription for “being-left-out-itis”
Your friend doesn’t call and doesn’t call. You feel pooped, the world
looks gray, and you’ve been trying to persuade your parents to move to
Tahiti. Sound familiar? You’ve got a bad case of being-left-out-itis,
and you need to do something before it gets worse. Doing something